3 Reasons Why You Don’t Really Miss Your Ex [Transcript]
In this blog, I will talk about why you think you miss your ex in those moments of vulnerability while forgetting the reasons why the relationship ended in the first place.
Picture this: You meet someone who seems really great. They are exactly who you think you are looking for. When thinking about a future together, it does not seem like a weird alternate reality, but rather the very plausible future. Sometimes the future does not pan out the way you hoped. The relationship ends and you’re left hoping they don’t pop up on your social media feed. Then, the day comes when they do and you feel like you’re about to faint. This may be a very dramatic visual, but you get the idea.
Sometimes, after you feel enough time has passed, you can find yourself in the frustrating place of missing your ex.
Focus on the beginning
The first reason we cannot move forward from past relationship dynamics is that, subconsciously, we become too focused on the beginning and forget why the relationship ended in the first place. When we first meet a potential partner, we know nothing about them. This leaves space for our minds to fill in the blanks and romanticize who we believe this person to be. We are looking at all the great qualities that brought us to be attracted to this person. Any negative personality traits seem impossible. We put them on a pedestal so high, it seems that they can do no wrong. This beginning time leaves too much room for our minds to fantasize about all the reasons why they’re perfect. Sometimes we overlook the facts that tell us otherwise.
Love is addictive
I know at this point you may be thinking, “wow, if a relationship ends, I should just get over it and move on.” However, it’s not that simple. This brings us to the second reason why we feel like we can’t move forward from a past relationship dynamics: Love is addictive and, therefore, hard to let go of.
Research has found that, in the beginning of any romantic relationship, that there is a release of dopamine while thinking about our partner. Dopamine is “the pleasure chemical” in the brain’s reward center. This gives us the feeling of being high. Much like the effects of narcotics, it can be addictive.
When our brain is in love, there is also a drop in serotonin. This is important because serotonin in the brain provides us a layer of protection against anxiety and instability. It allows us to feel a sense of being in control. When serotonin drops, so does that feeling of being in control and we can become obsessively fixated on things that rattle this stability.
Love, for example, is so unpredictable, that it becomes the best target for this obsession. This obsession sometimes leads us to engage in unproductive behaviors such as staying in negative relationships or stalking an ex.
All of this information may be a lot to digest. So, in short, you’re not going crazy! Love can be one of the most addictive and unpredictable drugs that we encounter in our lives.
The idea of being alone is overwhelming
Even with knowing all of this, I can imagine you might be thinking, “ok, that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I don’t want to be alone.” To this I would say: of course you don’t! The third reason it can be hard to move on from a romantic relationship is that the idea of being alone is sometimes too overwhelming. We can feel it’s better to be in something negative than to go back to the dating scene.
This makes sense. Humans are social creatures. Being alone is not something we typically gravitate towards. However, being out of a relationship does not mean that you are alone. When romantic relationships fail, it leaves us room to reconnect with friends, family, or even acquaintances within our lives. This is an opportunity to reframe the negative feelings of being alone forever. Instead, we can focus on taking the time to engage in things that provide us strength and happiness.
Read more: How to Enjoy Your Own Company #Sololiving
Practice self-care and self-love
The only person who can take our sense of self worth away is ourselves. This happens when we allow our focus to shift to all the reasons we aren’t enough. Take some time to engage in self-care and, most importantly, self-love. I know for me, this means going back to writing, sketching, or grabbing a friend to go to a yoga class. We need to connect with what makes ourselves unique and reject the things that negatively change us.
In conclusion – you don’t really miss your ex. You miss the idea of who you thought they were. Science tells us that we are not losing our minds. Rather, we are getting too much dopamine or not enough serotonin. You’re not obsessive. Love is just addictive. And, last but not least, it’s okay to not want to be alone. Surround yourself with friends and family that love you. Take note of things you disliked about past relationship dynamics and know you have the power to accept the love you deserve moving forward.
How do you work through feelings of missing your ex? Join the conversation in the comments below!
- Signs You Might be Opening Your Relationship for the Wrong Reasons - March 21, 2024
- 5 Skills That Lead to Positive Parenting - October 24, 2023
- How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy [Video] - January 19, 2023
6 comments
Great blog, Alea! Getting over an ex can be so challenging. The details you presented in this blog are very helpful. One of the things that stick out for me the most is the idea that you don’t miss your ex. You actually miss the idea of who you thought they were. This can create so much clarity for people contemplating on exploring a past relationship. I imagine that some people cope with missing their ex by processing their pain in therapy or with a supportive friend.
Thanks for making this video blog, Alea! From my experience, it seems that missing an ex is a very common occurrence and can be quite confusing, so I appreciate you making sense of this. I know people often have a lot of unresolved feelings toward their ex and things they would like to say to them. Journaling or writing a letter you do not send can be a good way to process those feelings and get those thoughts out as well. Thanks again for this post!
Great blog, Alea! This is such an important topic and I appreciate how you explore it. Missing exes comes up in therapy constantly! I really like the point that sometimes when we feel we miss our ex, we really just miss the idea of them. I also notice that some people feel a pressure to act like they are “over their ex” really fast and imagine it’s a sign of weakness to say they miss them. In this case, I would encourage people to acknowledge their feelings and say that they are feeling sad or lonely etc, not to dwell, but as a means to grieve the loss and move through it. Thanks for sharing this, what a great resource.
i miss my girlfriend-shinymotvation then shinymotvation is best option for you . contact them and get your desire thing.
It is a great blog post.Helpful and informative tips. I like it thanks for sharing this information with us
I followed Dr. Hope’s method, went to NC for 10 days…this turned things over and made my lover react, that evening my lover apologized, saying he loved me and ask to get back together which I accepted. I didn’t even have to ask him back myself!! I’m so happy I order your ex-back spell and want to express my sincere thanks. For the past 13 months now, my toxic husband has been loyal and honest with me & our kid we’ve been working well together. For those who need help, to restore your marriage and with so many other deadly diseases, contacts [email protected]. or / WhatsApp +2349076934840. God bless you DR HOPE for bringing peace and harmony to my home.