“Radical Acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging” – Marsha M. Linehan
What is one way that we can reduce our suffering while also increasing our sense of personal freedom? One method, developed by Marsha M. Linehan, is through radical acceptance. The basic idea behind radical acceptance is to view the tough situations that we are currently experiencing, acknowledge the emotions these situations bring up for us in the present moment, and to accept (not deny) those emotions. This can help us make the changes we need to make in our lives.
What it is and what it isn’t
Radical acceptance is a skill taught in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It is a tool that can help you in facing painful emotions and experiences by accepting them fully without judgement. Radical acceptance is a skill used to reduce unnecessary suffering and increase our ability to navigate through difficult situations. The “radical” part of radical acceptance is the full acceptance of reality with your mind, body, and spirit. It is accepting completely and totally that reality is unfolding the way it is.
It is also important to recognize what radical acceptance is not. Radical acceptance is not putting your “stamp of approval” on injustice or a painful event, passively laying down, or throwing your hands up and “giving in.” It is not waving a white flag and surrendering. Instead, radical acceptance is acknowledging that an injustice or painful situation cannot be changed without full acceptance that the event has happened in the first place.
Read more: The Difference Between Acceptance and Resignation
“I haven’t got time for the pain” vs. working through the pain
You may remember old TV ads for Excedrin, which promised quick headache pain relief. During the commercial, a song proclaimed, “I haven’t got time for the pain.” This is a good example of a general message in our culture: when we experience pain, it should be healed quickly and largely avoided. Some of that reasoning makes sense, and nobody wants to be in pain. It’s also important to point out that radical acceptance does not ask you to stop taking pills for headaches. However, there is a helpful equation to remember when it comes to radical acceptance. Pain plus non-acceptance equals suffering.
Radical acceptance is the understanding that life involves pain and difficult events. Avoiding pain, especially in the long term, often leads to bitterness, guilt, anger, resentment, and shame. Radical acceptance gives us the opportunity to make the choices we have to make in our lives, but without the added suffering brought on by those emotions. Radical acceptance is acceptance of reality as it is, and remembering that life is still worth living even with painful experiences in it.
When to use it
Paying attention to your thoughts can help you to notice when you are fighting reality. Usually, “should” statements are a clue. Examples include: “it shouldn’t be this way,” “this shouldn’t be happening to me,” “ I shouldn’t be this way,” or “ I shouldn’t have done that.” Notice that there’s an underlying judgement in these thoughts. There is a hidden belief that things should be different. Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in bitterness, shame, anger, unhappiness, guilt, or other painful emotions. Do you know what types of sensations these emotions may elicit in your body? Practicing radical acceptance involves being in tune with your emotions.
Beginner’s steps
Radical acceptance is a technique used to reduce suffering and to accept difficult situations. Sometimes, you may experience a loss or an event that is so difficult, you do not want to even consider acceptance. One way to start adopting an attitude of acceptance is by practicing it in everyday situations. Consider these examples: you’re waiting for a long time in a checkout line, the weather ruins your plans for the day, you forgot to save changes to a computer file, someone cuts you off in traffic, a sick passenger delays the subway train, or your partner is in a bad mood. These are common inconveniences that often leave us feeling frustrated, annoyed, anxious, stressed, etc. We can practice radical acceptance by meeting these realities with acceptance rather than resistance.
Another way to practice is by using coping statements. Examples of coping statements are “I can’t change what has happened” or “it’s no use fighting the past.” Perhaps practice saying the statement over and over again, like a mantra. Perhaps you will notice that, after getting through the misery, you will discover a sense of calmness.
Marsha Linehan often points out that pain cannot be avoided. It is just a part of life. Radical acceptance is a helpful tool that can lead us away from the suffering and into the freedom of making choices without the emotions caused by our suffering.
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What are some ways that you can begin practicing radical acceptance?
Join the conversation in the comments below!
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9 comments
Great post, Don! Radical acceptance is such a helpful tool for dealing with tough situations. As a therapist, I often find myself working with clients to identify the things they cannot change in a situation and then to find some acceptance and it always amazes me how much relief this simple reframe can bring. For myself, I know it can feel like letting myself off the hook when I realize there is nothing I can do about a situation. It doesn’t always take the pain away, but it sure can help me to feel less anxious. Thanks for writing about this!
Awesome post, Don! I believe one of the reasons why we is due to the things we cannot change and the things we are not willing to accept. This powerless feeling can lead to sadness, depression and anxiety. Radical acceptance is very helpful in forcing people to move through a state of change that is challenging for them. It’s a great way to deal with the feeling of hopelessness. I really appreciate the mantras you offered as coping strategies. For me, I find it helpful to say “this too shall pass” this offers me some comfort in trying moments. Thanks for posting this!
Such an important topic Don! I think its great that you point out that radical acceptance is not surrender to or approval for the painful things we experience- so many times do I myself get lost in that mindset which makes it harder to accept what I cannot change. Yet there is often such a calming peace that comes about once I accept that something painful or frustrating is indeed occurring, and that it will pass soon. A small way that I try to use this is when the trains or buses are running late, as it takes away a lot of the stress from a packed commute.
I love Radical Acceptance! It is so important to be able to come to terms with the things you cannot change in order to find peace in difficult situations. I often ask myself what parts of a situation I can control, and what parts I cannot. This often helps me to feel better when I am in a tough situation, just because I know there is nothing I can do to change it. Thanks for writing about this, Don!
I love the idea of radical acceptance as a way to help ourselves feel more in control and at peace with ourselves. I think a great first step in this is being mindful of emotions and the reactions you have to them. Making space for what you feel and having compassion for that can go a long way toward acceptance.
This is great. Reminds me of the Serenity prayer. We need to let go of the illusion of control. Negative thought patterns can lead to wrong actions and subsequently to sufferings.
This blog post is so helpful in ways I cannot begin to describe. I have always had issues accepting things that are out of my control and this has always increased my anxiety in so many unnecessary ways. I love how you define radical acceptance but also explain how to engage with this as a beginner. I think I am going to take your advice to start my journey to radical acceptance. Thanks Don for such a great post!
My granddaughter, aged 17, is verbally abusive to me and has been physically abusive. I was advised by a therapist to use radical acceptance and just accept her verbal tirades and not to get caught up with negative feelings about them. I accept that her perception might be that I am a ***!!!* when I say no to something. Where I struggle however is that I also believe that she is entitled to her perception but does not need to scream insults at me and if that is how she really feels then why is she in my home asking me to do things for her and give her money. Does this make sense to you?
Before being recommended this article I began my journey in Radical Acceptance without realizing. I would get upset, flustered and irritated that my in laws would not participate in family trips or show up on time to my events. Finally I just accepted they are not that type of people and moved forward with my plans and if they made it, great…if they were late, at least they made it. If they did not show up, their loss. It’s a hard task and I struggle with it still because it is hurtful when others disappoint. Thank you for the article and others for sharing.