You’ve likely heard that in life you must accept the things you cannot change. Often you might hear this sentiment expressed around situations outside of your control, such as past events, the behaviors of others, or unforeseen circumstances such as illness, job loss, or death. In theory, acceptance is the most constructive way to move forward in the face of uncontrollable challenges. In practice, however, there is a fine line between acceptance and resignation. Understanding this distinction is essential when it comes to learning how to cope with some of life’s most difficult moments. Here’s how you can assess whether you are in a state of acceptance or of resignation:
Resignation
Central to a state of resignation is a sense of feeling defeated and incapable of creating change. On some level, it means giving up (and with good reason, as you might feel like the odds are completely stacked against you). However, you don’t have to outright surrender or wave a white flag to demonstrate signs of resignation. There are more subtle indicators. For example, when you feel resigned, you might find yourself saying things like:
“That’s just the way it is.”
“There’s no use getting so worked up.”
“I just need to get over it.”
These kinds of phrases are commonly used as a means of minimizing negative emotions. And this desire, of course, makes perfect sense. After all, many of us are brought up with an understanding that certain emotions – such as sadness, anger, and fear – are inherently bad and unhelpful, particularly in situations outside of our control. As a result, we often shame ourselves for emotional reactions, and we may even attempt to shut off our feelings to avoid further pain. By resigning ourselves, we surrender our right to feel.
The problem with this, however, is that it means we miss out on the valuable information deeply embedded within our feelings. Theorists of emotion have long held that our core feelings are adaptive in nature, meaning that they help us survive. For example, anger compels us to correct injustice. Fear lets us know when a threat is present. Sadness reminds us to slow down and seek support.
When you are in resignation mode, it’s likely you aren’t able to access such signals. Similarly, in this passive and disengaged state, you might miss out on seeing the parts of your situation that are within your control. Resignation may feel like the only option at times, particularly in the face of insurmountable challenges, but there is another way.
Acceptance
While acceptance – much like resignation – involves recognizing a lack of power or control, it doesn’t stop there. Unlike the passive experience of resignation, acceptance is an active state, one in which you deliberately commit to the following processes:
- Acknowledging the reality of your situation
- Validating your own feelings
- Identifying your sense of agency
- Seeking support
Acknowledge the reality of your situation
It’s true — you are not always going to have a choice over what happens in your life. The human experience is fraught with unpredictability and some pain is simply inevitable. Being in denial about these facts can certainly have consequences, and that is why it’s necessary to come to terms with the reality of whatever it is you are going through.
That said, it’s important to be thoughtful in understanding all sides of your experience. It’s possible that your view of reality may be somewhat distorted. This, by the way, is something that can happen to all of us at one point or another, usually as a result of negative past experiences or unhelpful internalized messages which impact your perception over time. Acceptance involves being curious about the way you see the world and being flexible enough to question whether or not you’re actually seeing the whole picture.
Validate your own feelings
It makes perfect sense to feel disappointed, upset, grieved, or fearful in the midst of challenging circumstances. And disregarding these feelings does not make them go away. Instead, it just makes you feel ashamed or frustrated with yourself for having them.
Rather than ignoring or minimizing your feelings, acceptance involves mindfully engaging with them. By accepting your feelings, you give them space to breathe and allow them to do what they are meant to do – take care of you. When you feel sad or angry, you can ask yourself, “what are these emotions trying to tell me?” Do you need to reach out to someone? Do you need to set a boundary? Is there a need to communicate something more clearly? Your feelings are indicators of how to move forward, so it is important to give them as much room as possible to do their job.
Read more: How Being Vulnerable Makes You Stronger
Identify your sense of agency (and use it wisely)
A sense of powerlessness is often what prompts resignation. However, by working towards acceptance, you open yourself up to an important truth: you always have some agency. Whether it’s your behavior, your choices, or even your breathing – there is always something you can control, even in times where you feel completely overwhelmed.
Even so, the goal is not to grasp for control just for the sake of having it. While that might make you feel empowered for a little while, the security will ultimately be fleeting. Instead, allow your decision-making to be informed by your core emotions. Ask yourself: What is your emotion compelling you to do? How can you honor that feeling within the reality of the situation? What do you need to feel safe enough to move forward?
Seek support
Finally, it’s important to remember that acceptance always involves the help of others. In a state of resignation, you may forego seeking support, perhaps even fearing that you could be a burden. Through acceptance, however, you acknowledge that while your situation may be daunting, you don’t have to work through it alone.
Whether you reach out to a loved one, a trusted friend, a therapist, or anyone else who can meet a need or offer comfort, there is such value in connecting with others as you struggle. In doing so, you allow someone else to hold you accountable in recognizing the reality of your situation, validating your emotions, and identifying your sense of agency.
How do you practice acceptance in your life? Leave your answer in the comments below.
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7 comments
What a great blog Chirsty! It’s so important to differentiate between acceptance and feeling defeated.
This is such a great blog, Christy! It is great to remind and normalize reaching out for support. Often people can become so overwhlemed with emotions that reaching out feels almost impossible. Personally, I believe that we suffer the most as individuals because we are not willing to accept the things we can not change. I think acceptance is the key to healing. Thanks for writing this!
This is a great blog post, Christy! It is so important to distinguish between having acceptance of the parts of a situation you cannot change and resigning yourself to circumstances that aren’t healthy for you. You examples of how to know you are experiencing resignation are particularly helpful to bring this to life. I often find myself assessing challenging situations to see what is within my control and what is not and working to accept the latter, which can be great for reducing anxiety. Thanks for writing this great post!
This is a very useful guide for differentiating between acceptance and resignation. I particularly like how you identify acceptance as an active state, while resignation is a passive state of lacking control. For me, recognizing when I should work to accept aspects of a situation and when I should work to change it is a useful tool for getting clarity about what is bothering me. Great post, Christy!
This is such a great blog, Christy! I have never thought so specifically about the distinction you make between acceptance and resignation. This is so incredibly useful as a framework – I will definitely be recommending this article to clients! I particularly like that you express that reaching out for support is part of acceptance, a practice I’d like to keep working on personally.
Thanks so much for this great article Christy!
This is helpful. So resignation is more of an external locus of control reaction; to surrender and believe that you are powerless and the present circumstances and course are predestined; whereas acceptance recognizes that some things can’t be helped, but leaves open room for agency instead of feeling completely defeated. More like the Stoic position?