Being in a relationship with someone who has a trauma history can be uniquely challenging at times. In many cases, individuals who experience trauma may behave in ways that are hard for their partner to understand. For instance, they may escalate quickly to anger, express distrust, experience panic attacks, or become disengaged. Because trauma can interrupt emotional processing, those who have experienced trauma often struggle to articulate what is really going on inside of them. This can cause conflict and miscommunication, and it can make it difficult for well-intended partners to know what kind of support to provide.
If this sounds a bit like your experience, not to fear! There are ways to become a trauma-informed and compassionate partner while also maintaining your own boundaries and safety within the relationship. Here are some ways to begin to help your partner and understand trauma and relationships better.
Trauma and how it affects behavior
To respond to your partner’s trauma, it is important to first understand the nature of their experience. The term trauma refers to intense emotional and psychological distress associated with an event or a series of events. This can include experiences such as:
- abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)
- neglect
- serious injury or illness
- witnessing or experiencing violence
- being the target of racism and/or discrimination
- poverty/homelessness
- natural disasters
- the sudden death of a loved one
- any event that renders an individual or group powerless
In the midst of a traumatic event, our bodies go into survival states that help us to cope. However, these states may also prevent us from being able to emotionally process what is happening. When someone is considered traumatized by an experience, it means that the intense emotions from the event are essentially stuck in their nervous system. Because of this, when they are later reminded of the traumatic event in some way (i.e. when the trauma gets triggered), their body and brain will respond the way it did at the time of the original trauma. This means that at some point you will likely see your partner enter survival states, such as fight and flight and/or freeze.
In fight and flight, the body becomes highly activated, releasing a surge of energy designed to help an individual escape or attack a threat. In this state, your partner may suddenly feel keyed up and incredibly overwhelmed inside. Here are some indicators that your partner may be in fight and flight:
- Aggression (raising voice, physically acting out, escalating in conflict)
- Agitation (appearing on-edge)
- Anxiety/panic
- Appearing overwhelmed (sobbing, shaking)
- Misperceptions (expressing distrust, making negative assumptions)
- Violence directed at self or others (screaming, hitting, verbal attacks, throwing things, suicidal behaviors/threats)
In the freeze state, a very different response occurs. The body becomes deactivated, listless, and numb as it attempts to conserve its resources and avoid feelings of pain. In your partner, this might look like:
- Disengagement (shutting down in conversation, appearing uninterested, silence)
- Depression (oversleeping, disinterest in activities)
- Difficulty focusing or remembering details
- Stonewalling (not addressing concerns, refusal to engage)
- Substance use (to further disengage and avoid pain)
- Being sexually distant
What is especially confusing is that these states can be entered without warning, in situations that you might perceive as neutral and non-threatening. You may not realize what triggers your partner and, as a result, you may assume they are acting irrationally. Expressing this can further increase their sense of being threatened, which can often reinforce the trauma. It is a delicate situation, but the good news is there is hope for healing.
How to help a partner with trauma
Educate yourself and your partner on trauma
All of the information above is essential for developing compassion for your partner. When you understand how trauma affects the nervous system, you realize that these kinds of responses are sometimes outside of your partner’s control. This does not mean they are incapable of developing new responses but, in the meantime, this knowledge may help to reframe their actions. Instead of seeing their behavior as an attack on you, you may view it as a reaction to their overwhelmed nervous system. Additionally, when your partner understands the concept of trauma, it helps them to take ownership of their behaviors and work towards ways of regulating themselves.
Identify your partner’s triggers (and your own)
Trauma responses are always connected to some trigger. As an example, let’s say your partner becomes incredibly angry when you tell them that you are going on a business trip for a few days. It may be confusing to understand what exactly is causing such a strong reaction. However, if you take into account their history, it starts to make sense. For instance, you may be aware that your partner experienced significant neglect as a child. If that’s the case, the trigger is likely some sense your partner has that they are being abandoned. Logically, they know the difference between a business trip and a parent leaving them, but their nervous system may not be able to gauge the difference. By identifying this with your partner, you can offer them reassurance of your care for them, and they can make efforts to regulate their emotional response. Additionally, it is equally important to recognize your own triggers and ways they may be activated in your relationship.
Read more: What is a Trauma Trigger
Learn to scale distress
In conflict, trauma responses can create a lot of intensity and there are points at which it may be hard for your partner to feel a sense of control over their behaviors. That is why it can be really helpful to develop an emotional scale with your partner. This could look like asking: “On a scale of 0-10, how distressed are you feeling right now?” If your partner is above a 5, consider taking a break rather than continuing to engage in the discussion. At this level of distress, your partner will be better off if they focus on regulating themself before making progress in resolving the conflict with you.
Understand your own boundaries
While you want to be compassionate towards your traumatized partner, you do not want to enable a cycle of abuse in your relationship. Violence, verbal assaults, threats — these are all dangerous and unacceptable behaviors, and if your partner is not actively working to make changes, you will likely experience your own trauma in the relationship. Be careful about any temptation you may have to condone your partner’s behavior or to believe that their emotional wellbeing is dependent on you. There is a difference between understanding their experience and feeling responsible for their experience.
Know when it’s time to get help
There is no shame in seeking help. Trauma can create confusing and debilitating dynamics within a relationship. Particularly in situations where both members of a couple have some trauma history, therapy can be essential. Couples therapy can be especially useful for helping you understand cycles that contribute to distress within the relationship. Engaging in individual therapy can also help you to gain awareness that may positively affect your relationship as well.
Trauma can feel like a disorienting, unwelcome presence in your relationship. At times, you may feel hopeless to resolve it. However, with a depth of compassion and intentional efforts towards growth, you can start to experience the best of both yourself and your partner.
Have you or your partner experienced trauma? Check out our trauma services and connect with one of our therapists.
How have you and/or your partner navigated the impact of trauma on your relationship? Join the conversation in the comments below.
- The Relationship Between Suppressed Emotions and Depression - August 19, 2021
- Trauma and Relationships: How to Help a Partner with a Trauma History - November 12, 2020
- What is a Trauma Trigger? - April 16, 2020
19 comments
Christy,
It’s so very impressive that you described a person who has been traumatized as having, “intense emotions from the event…stuck in their nervous system.” This description paints a simple, vivid picture of an experience that can be overwhelming for the person having it, as well as their partner. Framing it in this way, alone, has the potential to begin to reorganize the way in which a couple experiences the trauma that shows up in their relationship. You are in no way minimizing the size of the feelings or their importance with this description, you merely make it possible to contain, to some degree, a very big thing by clarifying it. You do this throughout the blog and I will be referring to it regularly as I am very interested in the topic.
Thank you!
Lisa
Christy,
I really enjoyed reading your blog, and so appreciate the information you provide in understanding trauma. It’s very helpful to bring awareness to trauma and how it may impact our partners, if they have experienced trauma. Your blog has incredibly important information and can provide a couple a tool in working together. I liked how you talk about identifying triggers and review scaling distress. Great work!
I love that you chose to address this topic Christy! We can never talk about the effects of trauma too much, and I especially love exploring how it can impact a partner. You do a beautiful job of outlining what trauma can look like and giving some tips on how to work with a partner, while still maintaining healthy boundaries. Trauma responses can be so confusing to the people who experience them and the people who witness it and I am so appreciative of you addressing this in this post!
Christy,
I really appreciate you writing on this topic. I found so much of it to be educational on how to best respond when a loved one has experienced trauma. Looking at triggers and noticing patterns is so important when feelings become overwhelming. Additionally, your section on understanding boundaries resonated greatly with me. We can often become stuck in cycles when we allow ourselves to engage in situations that may be better suited for a pause. Thank you for the helpful tips and highlighting this!
Thank you!!
I wanted to leave a comment because I find this article very accurate and helpful so thank you ! Great piece
Thank you for the great information and tips. I’ve really needed guidance on how to approach and actually help with my wife’s childhood traumas. Your writing as very easy to understand and I have taken notes from it to use in the future. I r really appreciate it!
Hi Christy,
I have been looking and searching for information on how to help a partner who is with a someone that has trauma. I ask because I’m the person in my marriage that has the trauma. My wife has been supporting me in my trauma for years. I have been on a path of healing. But dealing with me and my trauma she has been traumatized. How do I/we help the partners who are the people who are experiencing our trauma heal? There is so much out here helping me heal from my trauma but what about “THEM”? My wife just asked me last night have you ever thought about me? I know I have put her through hell and back and I can’t be more sorry. What and how can I help her along with me. I dissociate and she is one that can bring me out but it takes a toll on her. Please help? D
Hi De,
I have a similar event in my life, where my partner had a very traumatic period of life. In sharing some of these events and through living together, I have resulted in being vicariously traumatized myself. The way that Christy explains the intense emotions hung up in my nervous system is the most accurate portrayal that I have seen written. Were you able to find any resources on this topic i.e resources for the partners of those dealing with trauma?
Christy,
I have gain so much knowledge from this, thank you. I’m struggling right now in wanting to help my partner. He comes from a traumatic childhood and he’s in a complete stage of self sabotage right now. I’m at a lost in how I can help him. Or if I can help him. That phrase You can lead a horse to water keeps going through my mind.
I need guidance because my partner had “froze” up on me and I felt like I’m dying. I love him and want to be here for him always but we haven’t had any communication in days and I just don’t understand why he can’t say “hello” or something in a text? We haven’t been together only 5 months and it WAS perfect or so I thought!! Help me understand please!!
Hi Shawna. To love someone who is shutting down and hard to reach is a difficult situation to be in. My advice is to understand that there is a very good reason why he is cutting down; it is usually a reaction to feeling unsafe and their way of protecting ourselves. It would be helpful to understand the cycle that happens between the two of you which creates this unsafe dynamic and why either of you may go into a “protective mode.” Please reach out to us if you need a third party to help you with this dynamic. Couples therapy or even individual therapy can be helpful to understand what makes them feel safe enough to come forward with their emotional feelings and needs.
If you are not married to them please ask them to seek healing before you start a family together.
Thank you for this information. I normally do not post anything, but your insight into trauma helped to address some questions that I had. Your simple and succinct approach to the COMPLEX issue of trauma was valuable. For years I have avoided therapy because I never had the time. Now I understand that I cannot waste another moment not getting therapy. Thanks again.
This is a “must-read” piece, if I may say so! Amazing work. It’s great, and the advice is quite helpful.
. I appreciate it a lot because I was able to gain lot of information. Worth to read.
Good evening,
Thank you, thank you so much for your this. You have provided me and I am sure others, survivors and supporters alike with some semblance of peace in our anguish. I myself have suffered my own trauma and abuse however my focus is my ex girlfriend who is the survivor of a traumatic and abusive marriage. She has a beautiful 4 year old little boy and the system has unfortunately failed him as well as her as she has 50% shared custody with her abusive ex who continues to abuse the 2 of them through the custody as well as her family however he can. I just want them to be free of him and at peace in life and happy, that is all I have ever wanted. I love and care for them all deeply and try to be their biggest supporter. In conclusion she unfortunately raised issues in our beautiful relationsip right after New Year’s before shutting down, ceasing communication suddenly breaking up with me via text message in what can only be described as not the woman I know or knew. While hard to properly interpret through a screen and not be heard or observed the message appeared happy, indifferent, cruel, etc. I could very much be wrong and I am open to that but I believe in my heart of hearts she is hurting, frustrated, confused and scared among a myriad of other emotions and this pains and angers me beyond words. I believe she was trying to hurt me to attempt to push me as far away as she could while trying to make herself believe she was and would be happy, at peace and better off for it me included. I thought through my own experiences and work that I had enough knowledge and experience to not “fix her’ (I love her and loved her even harder the deeper our connection grew and the more her challenges came to light) but to support her. I have never been through a more challenging time in my life then right now and I did not think it would be possible to be here with some of what I have already experienced if that makes sense. The pain I feel for anyone who has had to endure such suffering during and after trauma and abuse is beyond words. I wish abuse and trauma simply did not exist. I love to learn and have thoroughly enjoyed learning as much as I can over the last couple of months and look forward to continuing to do so for my own benefit, for her, her son and family as well as for others in my life as well as for professional development. I hope to attempt to reopen a line of communication with her and potentially salvage the relationship even if not now. She initially said she was open to hearing my feelings and meeting to discuss and it was then I was going to suggest her and I slow down, take some space, a break, etc if that is what she needed among other important thoughts and feelings I was going to share but never was afforded the opportunity to do so. Again, I could be delusional but it appears she has potentially left the door “open” as I feel it is not a coincidence she has not blocked or deleted me from any social media, nor removed herself from my friend and family chat groups. Her Sister also has not blocked or deleted me and it appears today may have actually searched me up on Facebook as she was suggested as a Friend. Her and her Sister have however hidden their online visiblity with her “resurfacing” a few times a possible coincidence, I am unsure. I have invested all of the time, energy and money possible over the last couple of months with little success in regards to professional assistance due to an unfortunate broken system. I hope you are all well, goodnight.
Warmly,
Jeff
This article had given me the understanding that I have been seeking for years regarding my partner. We have been together for almost 7 years, it’s been extremely difficult for me to understand a lot of his actions. I feel God lead me to this article and the understanding that I have been praying for…it has saved my relationship. Knowing what I have learned from this article is imperative to the reconstruction of my love for my partner. My heart is so full in this moment 💓
I’ve been with my wife 17 years married almost 15. 14 years into our marriage all these repressed memories came back from her very 1st relationship at age 18-20 years old. It was a very abuse relationship to her. Over last 3 years my wife went to therapy every week but did not open up or work on her trauma. She finally got to the point of her needing to finally deal with it and is in therapy opening up and working on her trauma. My wife however, needs space from me. She says it’s not me or us it’s that because she was abused in a relationship, our marriage is a setting she needs space from as it’s a trigger and she needs healing before we can close the space n be back together. It sucks for her and I. I learn all I can about trauma. I just wish she felt safe around me and I’m scared that what if we lose our 17 year relationship because of something someone else did to her. She is staying at her moms and we talk a few times a day. She is worth waiting fir