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Polyamory and open relationship structures have gained significantly more attention in the past few years. More and more couples are interested in having an open relationship and challenging society’s expectations of seemingly traditional couples. However, navigating open relationships can also be challenging at times. Opening up a previously monogamous relationship can feel liberating, scary, empowering, chaotic – a myriad of different feelings, and sometimes simultaneously! The emotional experience of opening up a relationship can be messy. Because of that, it is helpful to have an expansive and dependable support network to rely on for emotional support. This support network can include biological or chosen family, a therapist, a trusted mentor, a sponsor, or anyone you can trust to give you space to process your emotional experiences.
Read more: Starting an Opening Relationship? 5 Things to Ask
Often when I work with people in open relationships, they have a primary partner or have a relationship that is prioritized over other relationships. This relationship structure is common, as it provides a sense of security in one relationship while allowing partners to explore other connections. But, as in all relationship structures, issues of jealousy and discomfort pop up from time to time. This is often when individuals and people in open relationships seek therapy. Here are a few things I often explore with couples and individuals who are exploring and navigating open relationships:
Listen to your jealousy
Jealousy can be wildly uncomfortable. It is often an unwelcome emotion that can show up unexpectedly and overwhelmingly. But jealousy does not need to have a hold on you or your relationship. Jealousy can be used as a tool to point you to unresolved themes that exist in your current romantic life. Jealousy is what we call a “secondary emotion.” This means it is an emotion that surfaces when there is a more painful, more intense emotion also present. This deeper “primary emotion” is often something that you don’t want to feel. Emotions that often drive jealousy are pain, sadness, or insecurity. Jealousy, like all other secondary emotional experiences, is simply trying to tell us that there is a deeper emotion that needs tending to.
One resource I recommend often to folks struggling to figure out what their jealousy is telling them is The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy Labiola. In this workbook, Labiola takes readers through journal prompts that help them question and explore the roots and effects of their jealousy.
Tips for communicating about jealousy when navigating an open relationship
First of all, it’s all about the timing. It is often best to wait until the height of the jealousy has passed. Often, when emotions are at their height, we tend to be impulsive with our words and actions. Wait until you’ve taken the time to figure out what your jealousy is telling you. The more you understand the function of your jealousy, the better your partner will be able to understand where you are coming from. Some ways to figure out what your jealousy may be telling you are:
- Talk therapy
- Journaling
- Painting what you imagine your jealousy looks like
- Writing a letter to your jealousy
- Talking with a friend
Think ahead of time about what makes jealousy feel less intense. Perhaps you want your partner to communicate more transparently about their plans with their other partner or spend more quality time with you. It is helpful to think about these things before sharing your jealousy with your partner so that you may clearly ask for what you would like from them. They may then be able to answer more clearly whether or not they can meet those needs.
Watch: How to Build Trust and Communication in Your Relationship
Create ground rules
Unfortunately, your partner cannot read your mind and does not inherently know what your expectations of this new relationship structure are. It is always best to be on the same page about boundaries in any new shift in relationship structure. This includes boundaries around things that at one point in your relationship went without saying. Some things that might be helpful to think about include what time you expect your partner to be home or if you are comfortable with them having a sleepover with a new connection. Is there a restaurant that has a particular meaning for the both of you? Perhaps you would prefer if your partner did not take dates there. Ground rules can help prevent arguments around expectations that had not previously been made explicit.
Make plans
When your partner goes out on a date, chances are feelings of jealousy, loneliness, and all the most uncomfortable feelings are going to get louder. Plan ahead for these feelings. One skill I like to suggest is called “opposite action.” This is when you do the opposite of the action the uncomfortable emotion urges you to do. So, if the uncomfortable emotion you are experiencing is loneliness and it makes you want to isolate, the opposite of action would be socialization. Make plans for when your partner has a date with a significant other, at least the first few times. It ensures you have a distraction and social support, both of which you may need.
Weekly dates
Have weekly dates with your partner. Make sure you are doing things that are meaningful to both of you, even if it is simply dancing to your favorite music. This is a simple and reliable way to ensure that you are still fostering connection, regardless of what other dates you or your partner may have planned. This can help both of you feel secure in the relationship. Some COVID-safe date nights might include blanket forts and take out, projecting a move on the ceiling, board game night, cooking night, or an at-home paint and sip.
State of the union
In addition to the fun weekly dates, make sure you are also checking in about the relationship itself. This might be a weekly check-in, a monthly check-in, or on an as-needed basis. This may also be a great reason to start relationship therapy. This can provide a space to hold each other accountable to these so-called State of the Union talks. Some questions that might be good to explore during these talks include:
- Are both of you getting your needs met?
- How is jealousy showing up in the relationship?
- Do you both feel secure and want to keep the relationship structure as it is?
- Are your love languages being honored?
- Do you both feel prioritized? If yes, how? If not, is that okay?
Opening up relationships is often complicated. Speaking with a therapist or trusted friend about the kind of support you need can make the transition in relationship structure a bit smoother. And putting these tools in place as you open a relationship can help lay the groundwork for intrapsychic and interpersonal growth.
Do you need some extra support navigating open relationships?
myTherapyNYC offers couples therapy and many of our therapists specialize in working with non-monogamous relationships.
What is your experience with jealousy? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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8 comments
Thank you so much for this post, Beck! The big takeaway for me in this article is the importance of setting aside time and space for one another — in the middle of the pandemic, it can be tough to remember the importance of intentionally spending time together, and I appreciate your thoughts on ways to improve that aspect of my own relationships.
“Listen to your jealousy.” Yes! Where a person might think these feelings are a sign that something is wrong, I believe you suggest they can be an opportunity for more knowing and deepening. Thank you so much for this blog.
I so appreciate your words on waiting until the height of jealousy has passed… I think this can be an important lesson that is often overlooked. When dealt with such overwhelming emotions, taking a step back to look deeper and understand what the jealousy is saying can better help us communicate with our partner. Beautifully written, Beck and so important to keep in mind.
I loved the idea of taking Opposite Action! I think this could be a great skill to utilize in so many forms even outside of a relationship context. I’m definitely going to keep that in my back pocket.
Hi Beck! Thank you so much for such a great blog post! I find there are always a lot of questions around how to have an open relationship as well as how to manage jealousy. I feel like you broke everything down in really digestible information. This is a blog I will definitely pass along to others, thank you!
I’m wondering: how to navigate open relationships, yes, but as a single person being the secondary in an open relationship.
I can’t find any information on that.
Doing all these things and it’s not getting better
I imagine that can be very frustrating. This takes a lot of patience.