Dating Myths: Demystifying “The Spark”

Too often we hear from the media, books, and people in our lives about stories describing “the spark”. This feeling is both specific and vague. It describes a feeling that we “should” be looking for on a first date, or maybe a subsequent date. One of the many problems with the spark is how it can strip the individuality of each new person you meet to fit some criteria or box that is predetermined. How can you stay curious and present and explore somebody new if you are already prescribing a sensation you need to feel physically or emotionally in a future moment? This blog will explore reasons to dismantle this dating myth and help you unlock a new appreciation and perspective in the modern dating world. 

What Even Is “The Spark”?

Do you remember the first time you heard about the spark? Was it from a parent? A friend? A fairytale? This narrative about the dating spark has been passed on for generations. But why do we continue to hold ourselves to something so elusive that may not serve us? Let’s face it: dating is hard. With a buffet of options to swipe on, and society glued to their phones, deciding to meet someone for the first time can be a gymnastic feat in itself. If you leave a date without feeling a spark, are you closing the door on the possibility of growth?

When people are challenged to think beyond just the word “spark,” they often mention sharing or receiving a common message: “I didn’t feel a spark.” The spark could be chemistry, attraction, infatuation, or a myriad of different somatic sensations. If a feeling can be so specific to each individual, you could be limiting yourself to a standard that is hard to describe. When we hold ourselves to a past version of ourselves, we are not fully in the present. By holding a stranger to this dating spark you may have felt with a past partner, it is often challenging to receive and see someone for all that they are and could be as a partner.

Dating Myths

For most people, there is some inherent awkwardness to dating. With dating profiles today, we often enter dates with preconceived notions and expectations. Three pictures and the fact that they enjoy kayaking is not enough to make a judgment. Yet, as humans do, we judge. If you are dating, you are likely looking for connection of some kind. This may be sexual, casual dating, or a long-term relationship. 

What if you lost some of the expectations of a first date that have not worked for you in the past? Rather than seeing a date as an interview, it could be an education into this new person. And as we all know, an education takes time. First dates can often feel like reciting your resume. What do you do for work? What are your “goals” for dating? How do you like to spend your free time? This can be tiresome and repetitive. You have the power to change the narrative and impact the direction a date takes. 

Too often we check-in with ourselves at the end of a date, often sharing stories with friends or making assumptions based on the goodbye. Instead, you can check-in with yourself throughout the date. Notice your body language. Notice the laughter, the surprises. Monitor whether any boundaries were crossed throughout your time together. If you check-in with yourself throughout, you will have more information about yourself and this new person. This, in turn, can help you make a more informed decision about whether you’d like to move forward (or not – which is okay, too!).

Read more about dating with social anxiety.

Recognizing Patterns

Have you considered that this spark could lead you down a path you have traveled before, one that may not have been fulfilling? Maybe the spark shouldn’t be viewed as a green light. What if that spark has landed you with relationships or dating experiences that did not bring joy to your life? If you continue to look for the same qualities in others, it is possible those same experiences could repeat themselves. 

Read more about attachment styles in dating.

How Are You Showing Up?

It is also important to consider how you are showing up on a date. Remember that context is important. Think about what happened during your day, or even your week, leading up to your date. Let’s say you do not feel the spark on the first date. One thing to consider is the circumstances of this person’s life. And if you do not know – ask! Communication will serve you from a first date to a seventieth date. We can be impacted by a multitude of things. It could be helpful to give yourself, and your date, grace, which could lead to more fruitful dating experiences. 

Examine Your Expectations

Also consider when your expectations, about the spark or dating in general, came into existence. If you were younger, it is likely that your desires are different for dating now. With this in mind, you may want to redefine your relationship to dating. Is the narrative you may be telling yourself authentically yours or is it based on stories or advice from friends? You know yourself better than anyone else. Sharing yourself with someone for compatibility or connection often takes more time than a single date or two. 

Bringing the Fun Back into Dating

Dating can be anxiety-producing, yet you can bring the fun back into it. Rather than the prescribed definition of a date, ask yourself what it means to truly get to know someone for the first time. Challenge yourself to let go of what you think you know and take in what this person is sharing with you (nonverbal language included). If you slow down and take a date one step at time, you can relieve yourself of wondering if this person is your next partner. You do not need to know that on a first date, a third date, or even a fifth date. Are you having fun with this person? Are you continuing to learn about them? If so, why not continue seeing them? This can relieve you of pressure and hopefully lessen the feeling that dating is a “chore.” 

What About “The One”?

Similarly to the idea of the dating spark, the idea of “the one” is something else we need to abandon. This idea, fed to us with a happily ever after, minimizes the work involved in dating and relationships. As we grow, the interpersonal dynamic with anyone in our life will likely ebb and flow with these changes. Lean into it. Communicate. Step outside of the limitations of the logical mind and feel. You will be surprised how looking at someone through this new lens and letting go of the “one” could open up possibilities. You may have been holding yourself back from something really great.

Controlling What You Can

While we may not have control over a prospective partner, we do have control over our expectations and how we show up on a date. By letting go of the ambiguous spark, you can practice mindfulness and be in the present with this new person. You can be open to surprises that may occur with more dates. Allow patience to guide you, rather than criteria that may not be tailored to your individual needs or wants. Chemistry can show up in many different ways, including a slow burn. If you are not receiving the results you want from dating, instead of focusing on what you did not like about a date, try turning that attention back toward yourself.

Let’s close with a quotation by revered couples therapist Esther Perel: “Playfulness – that quality of romance, humor, and ease that, when combined with an authentic connection, inspires both parties to go deeper.” To find that playfulness, you might have to go further than a first date. It may even arrive without this so-called spark you have been searching for.

Therapy can be a great way to explore feelings about with dating. Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!

What are your views on the dating “spark”? Join the conversation in the comments below!