How and Why to Avoid Ghosting

How and Why to Avoid Ghosting [Transcript]

Ghosting, or disappearing from someone’s life without an explanation, can be confusing and painful to the other person. Instead of hearing valid feelings of why someone may not feel a connection, the ghosted person may have questions and potential feelings of shame and insecurity. Dating can be tough and filled with challenges. Ghosting may be a way to avoid conflict or uncomfortable conversations. However, there are good ways to say how you feel rather than not saying anything at all. This blog will explore ways to avoid ghosting and why it can be harmful to both people involved. 

Although typically seen with texting or dating apps, ghosting can also occur after dating someone once or multiple times and never hearing from them again. Additionally, ghosting does not occur only in romantic relationships. Ghosting can occur with any interpersonal relationship where one person becomes silent and disengages communication, leaving the ghosted person with countless questions, potential assumptions, and possible shame or sadness.

Read more about finding a relationship here.

Why do people ghost? 

Confrontation can be uncomfortable for many people. Sharing with someone that you may not reciprocate romantic or sexual feelings can be challenging. Telling a friend or family member that a dynamic no longer suits you can be scary. However, when you acknowledge the fear that is present in the unknown or uncomfortable, you may be able to move through the fear toward authenticity. You do this by acknowledging that your feelings, as difficult as they may be for others to accept, are valid. 

Avoid Censoring Your Experience

While it may seem easier to avoid confrontation by ghosting someone, you may be censoring your own experience. You may also not be allowing the person being ghosted a chance to feel pain and heal. Ghosting often stems from an assumption or our anxieties of how someone will react if we disappoint them. What if the other person felt the missing spark, the awkwardness, or the need for distance, too? Ghosting does not allow for practicing confrontation, a skill that can become easier and less uncomfortable with practice. 

The Digital Influence

Part of the difficulty with ghosting someone is its connection to our digital culture. Year after year, our digital footprint continues to expand. With new social media platforms and dating apps, we have more opportunities to meet new people. Connections can seem less significant and more disposable with countless options merely a swipe away. These game-like interfaces may diminish the humanity on the other side of a text or chat. In those moments, what would it mean for you to be ghosted? What questions would you have on the other side?

Why should we avoid ghosting? 

There is a power to unanswered, lingering questions. Your silence could impact someone’s closure, understanding, and processing of the time spent together, no matter how serious or casual. Whatever reason you may have for no longer wanting that person in your space is valid; share your truth.

Be Confident

Avoiding ghosting someone takes confidence. It is paramount to honoring your own self-worth and the other person’s self-esteem. Ask yourself: what is the fear holding me back from sharing my feelings? Could it be a reflection of how you feel about yourself? You deserve to be heard just as much as the other person deserves to know why you no longer want to date them, be their friend, etc. Your ghosting could potentially diminish someone else’s light. 

Be Vulnerable

Being vulnerable can be hard. By not ghosting, you are helping yourself to grow. You are also giving the other person the opportunity to learn about themselves and to practice facing conflict. With practice, it can make conflict less uncomfortable for both people. 

Be Empathetic

Ghosting does not allow for empathy or understanding. Sharing how you feel allows you to potentially receive and give empathy. Breakups are tough, no matter what the connection is or how long the relationship has existed. There will likely come a time when you need understanding in the future. Practicing this now will serve you better in the future, rather than avoiding the discomfort of potentially hurting someone’s feelings.

Read more about what to avoid on a first date here.

Skills to Help Avoid Ghosting

Now that you’re ready to leave ghosting behind, remember these skills to allow for open and honest communication. It is important to use “I” statements to ensure that whatever you are sharing is about your experience and feelings. This eliminates blaming or shaming and allows the other person to see you. 

Be Direct

Try to keep the conversation direct, yet kind. We are seeking honesty, but it’s okay to keep your reasons brief and hold space for the other person’s response and feelings. You can respect how you feel in a way that is not harsh or condescending. This also may be a time to seek support from loved ones or your therapist. 

Stay Curious

Ask questions and stay curious with your most trusted confidants. Some information may be important for you to share, yet not necessary for the other person to hear for the relationship to end. 

Accept the Pain

It is important to accept that this may be painful for you to share and for the other person to hear. It is okay to experience pain. By feeling the pain, we can move on and begin to heal. While ghosting may be painful for the person being ghosted, this is a different kind of pain. This shared pain through honesty and vulnerability opens up the possibility to experience sadness together about the connection not being a match or that the friendship no longer fits in your life. 

Therapy Could Help

Therapy may be an option for you if you have been ghosted and want a space to process and reflect. It may also be an option for someone who consistently ghosts the people in their life. We can explore together in a space without judgment or shame, no matter what feelings arise. Comment on the video below to share how your life has changed after eliminating ghosting from your life and honoring your truth. 

Read more about trauma trigger here.