We tend to place a high value on the concept of gratitude – and for good reason. Research suggests that practicing gratitude can be an effective way to reduce anxiety and depression by intentionally holding positive information in focus. While there are a number of studied benefits of gratitude, there may be some unintended consequences when it comes to the way we think about it. From an early age, being grateful is often encouraged – not so much as a choice but as a mandate. We may be told that we “should be” thankful in light of sacrifices made by family members or because others have it “so much worse.”
While such statements might be well-intended, they often have the effect of limiting emotional space. We start to believe that it’s not okay to feel sad, disappointed, or angry when we have so much to be grateful for.
If this sounds like your experience, know that you are not alone. We all have complicated internal beliefs that can become harmful if left unchecked. To reframe the way you think about gratitude, let’s start first by looking at how you might have developed these beliefs.
Messages about gratitude in early life
Perhaps you grew up hearing statements similar to these from your parent/guardian:
“You shouldn’t complain. You have so much to be grateful for!”
“We sacrifice so much for you. The least you could do is be appreciative.”
“Don’t be so ungrateful! There are people in this world who have nothing.”
Let’s give your parent the benefit of the doubt and assume they probably had good intentions in saying such things. More than likely, they were trying to help you focus on the many positive aspects of your life so that they could teach you to manage your negative emotions.
The trouble with this is that there really is no such thing as a “negative” emotion. All emotions have adaptive properties that are necessary for survival. However, we tend to view certain feelings (such as anger, sadness, disappointment, and fear) as being inherently harmful. Thus, when we sense these “bad” feelings crop up in others, we do what we can to extinguish them.
That’s where those aforementioned messages about gratitude come in. We have been taught to use gratitude as a substitute for “negative” feelings. As a result, we develop some problematic myths about what it really means to be grateful. For one, we believe that gratitude can’t possibly coexist with other feelings. We also might start to think that it’s shameful to feel or to express anything besides gratitude.
Read more: Cultivating Gratitude
The truth about gratitude
Now that we’ve examined some myths, let’s shed some light on the truth about gratitude:
1. Gratitude can coexist alongside other feelings.
Rarely do we ever feel just one thing, and that’s okay! Our inner lives are complex enough to hold multiple truths at once. That means we are allowed to feel both gratitude and sadness, gratitude and anger, gratitude and grief, etc.
2. It isn’t shameful to not feel grateful.
The truth is that gratitude is a feeling like any other. It is neither good nor bad – it just is. While you can choose to focus on things that promote gratitude, you are not doing anything wrong when you find that you aren’t feeling particularly grateful.
3. It is okay to express emotions besides gratitude.
Because we are taught that it is shameful to feel anything but gratitude, we might be inclined to suppress other feelings. In hiding these feelings, however, we miss out on the adaptive information that comes with them. For example, feeling anger can signal to you that an injustice has occurred, sadness reminds you to reach out for help, fear alerts you to danger, etc. Ignoring these emotions by solely focusing on gratitude can make it hard to navigate and take care of yourself.
How to be grateful without invalidating feelings
1. View gratitude as one part of your experience.
Again, it is unreasonable to assume that you should only feel one way about something. Rather than feeling shame about your complex emotions, try to see if you can look at them in parts. For example, one part of you may feel so grateful for the sacrifices your parents made to give you a good life. Another part of you, however, might very reasonably feel hurt or angry when you receive criticism from them. Neither part invalidates the other. They are both allowed to exist, side-by-side.
2. Make “space” for all parts, including gratitude.
Once you recognize the various parts of your emotional experience, it’s important to leave enough room for each part to breathe. Start by validating your feelings. You can tell yourself: “It’s okay that I feel this way. It makes sense.” Then, see if you can allow time to engage with each emotional part. For example, you can take some time to let yourself experience the gratitude for one minute and the anger for another.
3. Let each part be seen.
It’s great to validate and allow feelings within yourself, but it is so important to also have this experience relationally. As you engage with your emotions, you might even start to realize that you feel compelled to express certain things within a relationship to deepen or repair it. Even if you don’t feel the need to do this, it can still be valuable to entrust your feelings to someone else. Try to think of someone in your life who can safely hold your emotional parts with you.
At first, you might experience feelings of guilt or shame as you start to offer yourself this kind of emotional space. But remember: no feeling can cancel out your gratitude. In fact, by providing enough room for all of your various feelings, you might start to experience a different kind of authenticity to your gratitude. As you deepen your ability to feel all of your emotions, you will deepen your capacity for gratitude and all of the benefits that come with it.
What are some ways in which you practice gratitude? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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11 comments
This is great insight, Christy! At the beginning of the year a lot of people consider starting gratitude journals in order to “think more positively,” but you are right, that cannot come at the expense of feeling other emotions. Making space for sadness, anger, fear, etc. is just as important, and I love the recognition that gratitude can exist at the same time with these emotional states – they are not mutually exclusive. My preferred way of practicing gratitude is in doing it outwardly, letting others know I am grateful for them, whether that’s writing a note, sending a quick email, or telling them in person how much they (and their efforts) mean to me.
Great post, Christy! It is so helpful to know that gratitude can reduce anxiety and depression. Remembering this is challenging while in the state of anxiety or depression. I am happy to read that you suggest we embrace all parts of ourselves. This can reduce the guilt we may feel when everything in our life is going well except for that one thing that seems to keep challenging us. I practice gratitude by being mindful of my emotions and being present while interacting with my loved ones.
This is an amazing post, Christy! So many people feel that they have to invalidate their feelings and just feel grateful, which is often driven by shame. I love how you walk us through this and offer “parts work” as a way to allow yourself to be with your feelings. For me, allowing myself to process my less pleasant feelings helps me make space for gratitude and you offer a great template for how to do that. Thank you!
This blog post is really amazing Christy! I really resonate with the idea that as children we were told that we “needed to be grateful” but it was always leaving me with negative feelings. In talking about gratefulness with clients, a question that constantly comes up to me is “why do I feel negatively about the situation if I am supposed to be ‘happy’ and ‘grateful'”. I really appreciate your explanation of how to be grateful without the invalidation.
After a very long time I found a post that validates the co-existence of all emotions together, in each & every human being.
Thank you so much!!
Hi Christy. Great insights and very helpful. Thanks 🙂
Love your content Christy <3. I completely agree with what you have written. I hope this post could reach more people as this was truly an interesting post.
Even during the toughest times of your life, there is still a myriad of reasons for you to be grateful. Gratitude is a way for one to have contentment in life— appreciating the little things that nurture your life. You can experience many difficult times in your life. However, if you notice, you get past it, which gives you more reasons to make the most out of it. Counting your blessings is really important if you want to experience the real meaning of happiness. Read my blog Reasons Be Grateful Every Day Hope this will help also. Thank you.
Cheers,
Doris
I LOVE this post! I find that, as a therapist, many of my clients have a hard time acknowleding their own experience and use gratitude as another defense mechanism. It is very possible to have both as others have said and to be grateful for our emotions/experience. Thank you for expressing this so well!
Love this post! I stumbled across it while having a particularly difficult time being grateful for one thing while also wanting the situation to change due to me being uncomfortable. This is such an important topic. Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel so much lighter knowing there’s space for all the feels!
This read Is Very good,
A feelings journel and a gratitude list daily .
I did this for many many years and I had a positive additude even in the hardest of life’s circumstances,I would prey to God and speak and ask for his will ,to be grateful and happy ,and to do it for others as well you meet in everyday life ,it truly dose work.
Your blog serves as a reminder that we can make a difference through our words and actions.