Understanding Anger Management

Successful anger management can be an incredibly valuable skill. Anger is a confusing emotion that is often misunderstood and stigmatized. Our expression and relationship with anger is different for all of us. Anger itself is not a bad emotion; in fact, it can be extremely helpful. Feeling angry and acting on anger are two completely different things. We need to cozy up to anger, understand it, listen to what it is telling us, and then act accordingly. 

What is anger?

Anger is a secondary emotion. 

Primary emotions are the first emotions we feel after an event. Secondary emotions are our reactions to our primary emotion. For example, if someone calls you a rude name, it may seem like it initially triggers you to get angry. However, we can take a step back and try to better understand the situation. In doing so, we may find that, first, your feelings were hurt, and then the anger was a reaction to the hurt feelings. We can visualize anger, and its role as a secondary emotion, with the image of an iceberg. The part of the iceberg showing above the water represents anger, but when we look beneath, we can see the primary emotions that may have led to that anger. 

Anger is a protective emotion. 

Anger frequently arises when we are feeling vulnerable, and it acts as a protective emotion. We get angry when something is wrong with a situation or when something goes against our values. Some common anger triggers are being treated unfairly, seeing someone else being treated unfairly, being disrespected, and feeling threatened. Anger is signaling to us that there is a problem. However, before we react to the anger, it is important for us to first listen to what it is telling us, and then to act accordingly. 

You may want to consider exploring the ways you express anger and what your anger triggers are. In some households, anger is the only emotion that is acceptable to express. You may not have been allowed to express sadness. This is important to recognize as we explore anger as a secondary emotion. If your feelings are hurt, but you were taught that crying is “bad,” you may express anger instead because it is more comfortable and acceptable. Others may feel very uncomfortable with anger, especially if they do not want to be stereotyped into being “aggressive.” Women, especially women of color, may be wrongly judged for expressing anything that may be perceived as anger. Needing to minimize thoughts and feelings not only leads to voices not being heard, but may lead to having a negative relationship with anger. 

Anger Management

When we get angry, it may feel as if we go from completely neutral to furious in seconds. That is usually not the case. There may be signs that our anger is building long before we feel outraged. For example, do you ever notice when you start to get slightly more irritable? Maybe your partner starts to annoy you more than usual? If we notice signs that we are becoming angry, it is important to check-in with ourselves and ask why. 

Anger Meter

One way to help monitor this is through the use of an anger meter. This is a scale from 0-10 that can help you identify when you are starting to get angry. It is rare for someone to go from a 0 to a 10; try to tune into your anger to see how it may increase over time.  You can do this by observing your anger cues.

Anger Cues

Anger cues are warning signs that we are beginning to get angry and may be moving up the anger meter. These cues may be behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or physical and may include the following:  

• Behavioral: physical agitation, shaking, grimacing, shaking head 
• Cognitive: frustrated thoughts such as “why is this happening” or “what are they thinking”
• Emotional: feeling irritated, annoyed, sad, disappointed, offended, or disrespected
• Physical: rising temperature or feeling hot, clammy or sweaty hands, a racing heart

Coping Skills

Once we recognize that we are getting angry, we can then use our coping skills to manage the anger. These are actions you can take that help you slow down, move lower on the anger meter, and avoid reaching a 10. Different coping skills work for different people, so you may want to try as many as you can to find the most effective for you. Some examples include 

• Taking a time out 
• Exercising 
• Deep breathing 
• Checking-in with your body (body scan)
• Changing your temperature (splashing cold water on your face)

Read more about coping with anger

Listening to Anger

So you feel angry and recognize it; now what? Anger is such a physical emotion and can often feel overwhelming and unmanageable. After using the tips outlined above, you can then listen to your anger and use it to your advantage. Let’s go through some examples. 

Example 1

Imagine you are planning a dinner with a close friend you have not seen in a while. On the day of the dinner, they cancel. Your face starts getting hot, your heart races, and a pit drops in your stomach. You feel angry and start to think, “How could they do this to me? How could they be so inconsiderate? I can’t believe they would cancel! What kind of a person are they?” Your instinct is to send a text to your friend expressing these thoughts. 

Because you recognized your warning signs, you noticed that you are a 6 on the anger meter, and you used your coping skills to get yourself down to a 2. Now you are able to listen to this anger. When you cozy up to the anger and sit with it, asking yourself, “Where is this coming from? What is underneath this?” you may find that you miss your friend. You feel sad that you have not seen them in a long time. The thought that they may not value your friendship as much as you do causes you to feel worried and sad. 

Having to sit with sadness, doubt, and worry is extremely painful. Anger rose to the surface to protect you from feeling that pain. While the anger is there to help you, acting on it would not have helped your friendship. Listening to it allows you to fully feel your primary emotions and then choose an action that will better serve you. Now that you are aware that you miss your friend and are fearful of them pulling away from you, you can send a more appropriate text that will convey just that. Hopefully, this can lead to a more vulnerable discussion with your friend that will improve and deepen the relationship. 

Example 2

Say you are frequently interrupted during work meetings. When you are speaking, you believe that people are not taking you seriously. During these meetings, you feel your anger rise. When your anger gets to an 8 and feels uncontrollable, you may have the urge to yell at a coworker to stop interrupting you. Using those anger management tips, you can prevent that from happening (since it would not be a helpful reaction). 

Once you have slowed down and your anger has lowered, you can explore it. You may find that your anger is stemming from a feeling of being disrespected. You believe the behavior of your coworkers is unacceptable and hurts your career. Using this information, you can make a decision that will help you. You may decide to schedule a meeting with your boss to express your concerns and advocate for yourself. While you cannot control others, this may help you create a better work environment for yourself. 

Read more about understanding and connecting to emotions

It takes bravery to dive under the anger and identify where it originates. Having the ability to listen to your anger and act on it appropriately is a strength and a skill that will take practice. While it might be difficult, it may also be worthwhile in ways that could enhance your relationship with yourself and others. 

Do you want to learn how to manage your anger? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!

What are some of the ways you cope with your anger? Join the conversation in the comments below!