We can experience immense pressure in our day-to-day lives. We want to show up as our best selves for our work, relationships, and ourselves. We can do so with regenerative practices in the form of self-care that contribute to a life worth living. There may be periods in our lives or times in our day or week we shift into a survival mode. We need appropriate self-soothing survival skills in order to get through the day, resist a self-destructive urge, or ride out intensely painful distress.
Self-soothing: defined
Before we explore self-care in order to thrive, we must have a foundation of self-soothing in order to survive. You are already self-soothing each day by breathing through a stressful moment, listening to music during your busy commute, or cuddling with your pet at the end of a long day. Self-soothing helps us survive the million tiny crises of the everyday. Self-soothing can help us resist unwanted urges. If you have ever resisted the urge to contact an ex by cleaning your whole apartment, you have self-soothed.
Self-soothing techniques help us survive the present moment. Self-soothing can look like taking a bubble bath, eating something pleasurable, or watching a television show. Self-soothing should cause pleasure or joy that counteracts extreme distress. It is important to give yourself permission to self-soothe. Self-soothing can also serve to temporarily distract from a feeling or impulse we find absolutely intolerable. In this case, self-soothing can look like engaging in a fidget toy at work in order to keep a neutral expression at a meeting.
Self-soothing is only a temporary form of coping. Therefore, it is important to eventually return and tend to the original source of distress. Distracting with self-soothing is different from avoiding.
Read more: Manage Emotional Stress with Distraction- Not Avoidance
Self-care: defined
In comparison, self-care may seem less fun than self-soothing. Self-care sets your future self up for success and stability by addressing basic needs: eating nutritious food, attending to hygiene, engaging in physical movement, meditating, paying bills, tending to medical needs, going to therapy, etc. Self-care can look like keeping one attainable promise to yourself every day. Self-care can also look like showing up for yourself with the tough love a caregiver would show you.
Read more: 5 Self-care Tips in 5 Minutes or Less!
The differences
Self-soothing and self-care can appear similar, but each has a different effect on our well-being. Engaging in self-care allows an individual to begin to thrive, instead of just getting through the moment or day. Examples include scheduling your doctors appointments regularly, paying bills on time, saying no without apologizing, or doing your laundry over the weekend so you have clothes for your work week. Self-care involves changing your habits which may feel uncomfortable. You may even experience an urge to avoid. If we are hoping to change, we know discomfort is a sign we are on the right track. Self-care can have a beneficial effect of reparenting ourselves and healing abuse, neglect, trauma, or confusion and pain from childhood.
If self-care sets one up to thrive and build a life worth living, self-soothing is the back-up skills that step in when there is a crisis or the need to resist an urge. Self-soothing is also helpful in times when we just need to get through it and continue functioning, because the circumstances don’t allow us to fully integrate what we are feeling in that present moment. Self-soothing skills sit in your toolbox until you need them in “break-in-case-of-emergency” types of situations. Practicing self-soothing skills when not in crisis is extremely important to building a reliable toolbox of skills. It’s important to try skills out first since some may work better than others.
Self-Soothing Techniques
A cornerstone of that toolbox can distress tolerance skills from Dialectical Behavioral (DBT) therapy. One set of DBT skills are called TIP skills. The T in TIP stands for temperature. By engaging a reflex called the mammalian dive response with cold water or ice, you can calm yourself and your nervous system down within the normal amount of time you might take a bathroom break at work:
- Hold ice (a bag of frozen peas is perfect) or run cold water (50℉ or lower) over your eyes and upper cheeks
- Hold your breath for 15-30 seconds. Soon, your heart rate will slow and blood will be redirected to the heart and brain.
The I in the TIP Skill stands for intense energy. You can calm the body down by channeling your stored up energy from emotions into a short intense walk, jumping jacks, or something similar even if it’s just for a short while. Or, try paced breathing: breath deep into your belly for the count of 5 and out for the count of 7. Level up your paced breathing with paired muscle relaxation: while breathing deeply into your belly, tense your muscles enough to notice, but not enough to cramp. Once the tension is observed, breath out and let go of the tension while thinking or saying the word ”relax.” Observe any difference and repeat as needed.
These skills can help regulate and lower the intensity of emotions. This can help you to come down from the edge of a crisis and stabilize fast in order to function and survive until you are able to find safety, relief, and release. These skills are adaptable to different circumstances. Changing temperature could help ride the painful emotions of a crisis when receiving painful news or ending a relationship. Intense energy might help survive, tolerate, and resist the urge to engage in harmful habits you are working to change, like quitting smoking. Paced breathing could help on the day of a big presentation you want to get over with, but you need to get through a whole day of work first. It can also help you to resist the urge to snap at your roommate who has one of those habits that just gets on your nerves. While it might be hard to run to the bathroom to splash cold water on your face in some circumstances, pacing your breathing is skill one can use anywhere at anytime without anyone noticing.
Everyone needs the right tools to survive and thrive. Use self-soothing techniques that incorporate physical sensations like the TIP Skills to survive challenging moments or urges. By practising the skill before a crisis, you build them like a muscle and ensure they are reliable when you need them most. Think of these tools as ready to go in your ever-present toolbox. The point of using these tools is to feel physical pleasure, joy, or relief. In contrast, self-care is your regular practice of building and maintaining a life worth living.
What situations could self-soothing come in handy in your life? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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5 comments
This is such a great blog, Victoria! I love how you define self-soothing and self-care and show how they both can serve you. I think a lot of people lump the two together and it is helpful to see their unique purposes. I know that, for me, a hot bath can be a great way to relax after an emotionally-taxing day and that staying healthy with sleep/diet/exercise keeps me balanced in a more big picture kind of way. Thanks for sharing your ideas!
Great blog, Victoria! Self-soothing and self-care are two important skills everyone needs to master. I really appreciate the self-soothing techniques as many may find it hard to identify how to self-sooth. In contrast it is important to understand that self-care is subjective to the individual. For me, I use the deep breathing and grounding strategy to self-sooth which allows me to slow myself down and focus on what’s important. Thanks for writing posting this!
This is such a great topic, Victoria! Self-care and self-soothing are both such important mental health practices, and I love the way your define and differentiate between the two. I know for me, self-soothing is important when I get overwhelmed or stressed out and I will definitely be trying out your suggestions. Typically, I like to take some deep breaths or go for a walk to clear my mind. Great job on this post!
I LOVE this post Victoria! There is such an important difference to self-care and self-soothing; both so important and seems to be really overlooked. For me, self-soothing looks different depending on the situation. If I have time, a nice bath with candles and music feels right, other times, taking a physical pause and focusing on my breath and body regulation really helps with stressful situations. Thank you for this blog with really great information. I feel like I learned a lot!
Was looking for some takes regarding this topic and I found your article quite informative. It has given me a fresh perspective on the topic tackled. Thanks!
One of the most common problems caregivers face is burnout. This burnout can easily lead to more serious problems, such as anxiety and depression. That is why you need to know when you are getting signs of depression and anxiety because of your job. This article Caregiver Stress and Burnout: Signs and Prevention will tackle the signs and prevention of caregiver burnout. Hope this will help. Thank you.