Building Self-Esteem in Therapy

Exploring and stabilizing self-esteem is often at the heart of psychotherapy. Clients share a great deal with their therapist over the course of treatment. Over time, this experience can allow the client to feel a sense of genuine acceptance and respect. In the therapeutic relationship, clients may find an opportunity to heal wounds and adjust harmful perspectives they have concerning themselves and the world.

Read more: The Power of the Therapeutic Relationship

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem refers to the degree to which we evaluate ourselves positively. It includes our physical image of ourselves, as well as how we view our accomplishments and capabilities. This is often heavily informed by how we perceive others responding to us.

Self-esteem informs much of our experience. For example, what makes you feel good about yourself? When do you feel shame or regret? What do you admire in other people? When you feel badly about yourself, what can you do to feel better?

Inauthentic validation 

In environments where acceptance is scarce – or rejection is likely – we may develop “pseudo-selves” in an attempt to meet others’ expectations. A pseudo-self is a version of ourselves that we create in a desperate attempt to be accepted. Adjusting to others is a necessary aspect of development, but if we’ve gone to such great lengths to appease others that we feel the need to hide important aspects of ourselves and wear masks, then something is awry. This can be especially poignant for those who face marginalization and oppression. 

In 1903 W. E. B. Du Bois described a “double consciousness” of being Black and being an American. Du Bois described this as, “the sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.” In the 1970’s and 2000’s, Andrew Tobias and Alan Downs, respectively, explored virtuosic attempts by gay White men to compensate for their experiences of rejection by pursuing professional and financial success.

As “masks” are rewarded, we can lose touch with our own feelings and values. We can also lose the opportunity for genuine validation. This can result in depression, rage, emptiness, confusion, anxiety, self-harm, and substance abuse. 

Read more: Embracing Your Authentic Self

Genuine validation in therapy 

Therapy can offer quite a different experience. Over time, clients share extensively with their therapists. This tends to include thoughts and experiences that feel deeply vulnerable or shameful. In this context – where one has shared deeply and has not had to present a caricature of oneself – experiencing acceptance and respect can be radically validating. Over time, clients may build the confidence to recognize themselves as part of the human family, rather than see themselves as separate or abhorrent.

We make sense of our lives through stories. Our sense of self and self-esteem is embedded in stories. Therapy offers ample opportunities to explore the stories we tell ourselves and tell others, including the stories we’ve received in our family of origin, society, and subcultures. In therapy, parts work involves speaking from different voices or “parts” that we locate within. This can allow us heightened contact with the many stories we live by, helping us to identify how these stories are supporting or damaging us. 

Protecting self-esteem in therapy

Self-esteem is relatively fragile for many of us. Success can feel exhilarating. Criticism or rejection can feel crushing. Shame can emerge suddenly. Navigating this vulnerable terrain in therapy calls for both empathy and for high levels of interpersonal honesty. In order to be genuinely validated, one must first be seen. Judgements or indiscriminate praise interfere with this nuanced process.  

By maintaining self-esteem while owning mistakes and limitations, and being willing to be seen as less-than-perfect, therapist’s can model “good enough” self-esteem. This kind of self-esteem is realistically-based, rather than inflated. “Good enough” self-esteem is less subject to the emotional roller-coaster ride of self-worth that is always at the mercy of our latest successes or failures.

Self-esteem and Self-compassion

Self-esteem may also have its limitations. Researchers Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer believe that self-esteem can let us down when we need it most: at times when we experience inadequacy and tend to compare ourselves negatively to others. They propose self-compassion as an alternative to bolstering self-esteem.

Self-compassion is not based on evaluations. It is a way of relating to ourselves that emphasizes interconnection, rather than separateness. Neff and Germer have found that self-compassion offers the same benefits as self-esteem (less depression, greater happiness) without its potential downsides.

Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves when we notice something about ourselves that we don’t like, instead of being rejecting and harsh with ourselves. It includes recognition and acceptance of human imperfection, including our own. Through this lens, we can learn to feel good about ourselves because we’re intrinsically worthy of respect, rather than because we’re better than others. As we develop a foundation of emotional safety, we can regard ourselves more clearly and make changes beneficial to our growth.

Watch: Bring Self-compassion into Mindfulness

In summary, therapy can offer an opportunity to incrementally build a realistically based self-esteem, or a practice of self-compassion, modeled on the respect and compassion one experiences while in therapy. 

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What role has self-esteem has played in your therapy experiences? Share your thoughts in the comments below!