Miscommunications can happen when we lack awareness of how we use language. The responsibility we take for the words we choose in our communication with others can directly affect how in control we feel in our lives. When we are mindful of the words we use to express our feelings, we develop relationships grounded in honesty, sincerity, and openness. Here are 6 ways to express yourself more authentically through mindful communication.
Avoid speaking in the third person
Statements that use words like “it,” “you”, “people” rather than “I” put the responsibility on someone or something other than us.
Example: “People feel nervous in new situations”
Instead, say, “I feel nervous in new situations”
Use an “I-statement” instead of “we”
“We” can convey inclusiveness or shared sentiment, but can also disguise an “I-statement” and obscure your message. When we use “I-statements” we communicate our unique wants, needs, feelings, beliefs, and expectations.
Example: “We really should leave now”
Instead, say, “I feel the need to leave now”
Use “my,” “mine” or “I” rather than “the,” “this” and “that”
These are statements we may use to avoid our own feelings and place our feelings outside of us.
Example: “What did you think of that?”
Instead, say, “Did you like what I did?” or “What did you think of what I did?”
Use “I-Statements” rather than asking questions:
When we ask a question rather than make a statement, particularly an “I-statement, we deny ourselves the opportunity to express our feelings or perspective. Expressing our feelings and beliefs can deepen our connection to others.
Example: “Why did you speak to me that way?”
Instead, say: “I don’t like how you spoke to me”
Avoid qualifiers that dilute the truth of our experience
Qualifiers are often used when we don’t trust our feelings or are uncertain our experience will be validated by others. Qualifiers weaken your message and diminish your power. Examples of qualifiers are: I Guess, I Suppose, Perhaps, Maybe, Kind Of, Probably, Only, Just, and Sort Of.
Example: “I guess I’m feeling kind of hurt”
Instead, say: “I feel hurt”
Avoid nullifiers to diminish self-responsibility
These are words that chastise us and disconnect us from opportunities and choices. Examples of nullifiers are: “should” instead of “could”, “can’t” instead of “won’t”, “have to/need to” instead of “want to/choose to”, “I don’t know” instead of “I don’t care to find out”, “but” instead of “and”. Nullifiers evoke feelings of guilt and shame. You can check in with yourself to consider where that inner critical voice comes from. Then you can make a choice about what you “want” to or “don’t want to” do.
Example: “I should work harder than I do”
Instead, say, “I could work harder than I do”
Example: “I don’t know what I’m feeling”
Instead, say, “I don’t care to find out what I’m feeling”
Read more: 3 Tips to Better Manage Anger
Read more: 4 Things to Improve Sex Communication
Mindful communication emphasizes the value and importance of what we say to others. It implies that we want to share a part of ourselves. The conscious use of language helps us take responsibility for how we feel and what we intend to express. Using language consciously, we authentically express ourselves rather than blame others or the circumstances. The clarity and confidence we project when we express ourselves with mindfulness can help us get what we want. We are better understood in our relationships. The subtlety of mindful communication requires practice and may feel uncomfortable at first. Speak from your experience and own what you say.
Check out Dr. Sue Johnson’s book ‘Love is a Dance‘ for more on this topic.
Where are areas of your life when you can practice mindful communication?
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6 comments
Love this blog! Communication is key for any healthy relationship.
Great blog! it’s good to learn and know about these simple ways to communicate our feelings better.
Great blog Glenn thanks! I feel it’s so important to have the language that’s chosen to help us feel more empowered on all levels- emotionally and physically!
I really appreciate this blog, Glenn. You are really reminding me the power of language, and specifically how important it is to use “I” when I am talking about myself. It changes both how others perceive my message and also how I feel when saying it.
Great blog! This is so helpful. Often people tend to speak in a manner that allows them to avoid their feelings. Using the tips you suggested makes space for clear communication and free expression of feelings, thoughts and emotions.
I really appreciate this blog. Keep Sharing