Depression is often a very unexpected, unwelcome guest that forces its way into our lives. It affects what we may be thinking, feeling, and how we handle the tasks of our everyday life. One of the first signs of depression is loss of interest in things that would typically bring us joy. What happens when that source of joy is coming from a loved one or a partner? Society pushes us to believe that love should be the answer to all of our problems; in reality, we are still individuals that have to face our own demons.
Research estimates that an average of 16.1 million adults in the United States suffer from major depressive disorder at the age of eighteen or older. This means that there is a high probability that you or your partner have at one time or are currently suffering from depression. This can be isolating and overwhelming. In this blog, I’ll provide steps for individuals and their partners for when depression affects a marriage.
Watch: What is Major Depressive Disorder
What is depression?
Depression results from a lack of serotonin in the brain. Serotonin is the neurotransmitter responsible for feeling happiness. The brain also has something called a hippocampus which is important because this is where our memory is stored and is the center of emotions. Studies have shown that people who have depression also have a smaller hippocampus. To be clear, this is something that is completely uncontrollable. Sometimes this is just part of our genetics.
Another important thing to note when it comes to depression is that there is a risk for a relapse in symptoms. One of the biggest factors for relapse is lack of appropriate treatment or lack of treatment altogether. It is also possible that whatever triggers the initial depression has become more intense and will re-trigger symptoms. Studies have shown that there can also be a biological predisposition to recurrent depressive episodes.
Supporting your partner In their depression
It can be confusing and scary to watch a partner suffer with depression. Follow these steps to help you start your journey of healing:
- Educate yourself. Depression is not linear. Yes, there are signs and symptoms of depression, but everyone’s experience is different. Take the time to look into these textbook definitions as well as other people’s experiences with managing depression. It may be helpful to see what kinds of support worked for others or what kinds of support they did not get but would have benefitted from.
- Validate. As your partner experiences and interacts with their depression, sometimes they may not know exactly what they are feeling or why. Being supportive of the unknown and validating your partner’s feelings is a great way to embrace these complicated emotions. Talk about the feelings and emotions.
- Next Steps. Talk to your partner about seeking professional help. Create a supportive plan together that feels safe. Try to keep both you and your partner’s mind and body active. Movement is known to be constructive for dealing with depression.
Read more: Helping Someone with Depression
Asking for support
When depression strikes, sometimes it feels difficult or impossible to know when or how to ask for help. If you feel that you may be exhibiting signs of depression, here are some tips to ask for help:
- Educate, Educate (should I say it again?)….Educate yourself! This may seem like a silly step. Depression is talked about a lot more in today’s society than in the past. It seems that people feel they know what depression is and how to handle it, but I would encourage you to gain information for yourself.
- Self-Validate. It is okay to not be okay. Some people feel that they must understand how they feel, why they feel the way that they do, and know the root cause of the depression. Sometimes, we may not get those answers. So, within this step I encourage you to pull away from self-judgement and allow your feelings a space to be heard.
- Ask for Support. One of the most important things to remember is that you are not alone. Depression can be overwhelming but the good thing is you are not supposed to have all the answers. Reach out to friends, family, colleagues, or request a consultation with a therapist for support. The wonderful thing about technology in our society is that there is also the option to have teletherapy if you feel you are unsure of where to start.
- Small Steps. Create some changes in your day-to-day routine: take a different route to work, go for a walk during your lunch break, keep a journal of thoughts, or take a second to check in on your emotions and assess how you are feeling in that moment. Allow yourself to accept the uncomfortable parts of change as well as to know your limits.
It is not hopeless
It is no secret that depression is a challenge to manage. So often we seek the overall goal of happiness and forget to take in the wins of the day-to-day. Having depression within a marriage can seem like a recipe for disaster – or worse, divorce. I hope within this blog, you have come to find that being depressed while being in a committed relationship is common and perfectly okay. Working together to build a deeper connection will combat feelings of loneliness or isolation. It is also productive to communicate in any way possible. Remember, you do not have to know how you are feeling or why, sometimes it is best to just let your partner know that you are having “some type” of emotion and are in need of support. This support could be as simple as a hug or more logistical like help finding a therapist.
Have you struggled with depression in a marriage? If so, what has your experience taught you? Join the conversation in the comments below.
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9 comments
This is a great blog, Alea. Depression can have such a big impact on a relationship and can make both partners feel very alone. We don’t often talk about how depression can impact those who are intimately close to the depressed person. I love your tips for how to support a depressed partner and how to ask for help yourself. For me, reminding myself that I’m not alone and that it’s not my fault can be very helpful when someone I love is depressed. Thanks for writing this one!
Great blog, Alea. This is such an important topic. I appreciate you both speaking to how to manage one’s own depression and also how to support a partner struggling with depression. I particularly like how you discuss that sometimes we will not identify the source or trigger of the depression, but that it is still real and important.
Awesome blog, Alea. Suffering from depression is an emotional challenge in itself. However, suffering from depression while in a relationship can make the symptoms increase exponentially. This blog offers great information for people in relationships that might not understand the complexity of depression and how it steals the joy of their partner. Often when people are suffering from depression they might not have the words to express what they are feeling. Thanks for letting people know that it is okay to ask for support and that they don’t have to feel hopeless. In my opinion, the things you explain in this blog can decrease the shame many people feel about their depression. Great post!
My husband has been having loss of interest in pretty much every thing for some time now. We decided to take professional help last week finally and he has started. Although I don’t show it to him, I have been freaking out inside as I am clueless about how to help. Reading this blog gave me a calm feeling as “its ok to feel this way”. More such blogs on how to support their partners will surely help on creating awareness to couple who experience it for the first time. Thank you!
They are great tips to keep in mind. Depression is worse than we imagine. We must be attentive to the signs that the person next to us can give us, since it may be a call for help. We must inform ourselves about this topic and the treatments that can help the person who is suffering from these disorders to regain control in their life.
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I have been married for 30 years and depressed in our marriage for at least 10 – 12 of them. My husband has cheated on me with prostitutes and has had 3 DUIs. He won’t get help. Unfortunately, I was a weak person who couldn’t leave him when I should have. Now I want to but cannot find affordable housing. Why are so many therapists on the side of trying to save a marriage that is dead? Seriously,
I have been married for 30 years and depressed in our marriage for at least 10 – 12 of them. My husband has cheated on me with prostitutes and has had 3 DUIs. He won’t get help. Unfortunately, I was a weak person who couldn’t leave him when I should have. Now I want to but cannot find affordable housing. Why are so many therapists on the side of trying to save a marriage that is dead? Seriously,
This is helpful. I’m having a hard time finding information on how the depressed person can help contribute to their marriage (or at least mitigate some of the damage). I was diagnosed with MDD and anorexia 8 years ago, but realized that I’ve struggled with both for most of my life. My anorexia has been in remission for 6 years, but I’m struggling with my depression. I try to do what I can – regular therapy, medication, journaling- but I see the strain my disease puts on my family.
Would you consider writing something on the depressed person’s POV? Aside from working to get better from this chronic disease, trying to be more open, and doing marriage counseling (my need, not his desire), I don’t know what else to do. Thanks