Why is Cheating So Hurtful? Understanding Infidelity

Have you ever looked at your partner and thought to yourself, “I hope they never cheat on me”? Infidelity has always been an unfortunate symptom of decisions led by complex emotions. Statistics show that cheating within romantic relationships is not specific to any gender, age group, or country. Anyone can find themselves in a situation where they are the cheater or being cheated on. If infidelity is so common, then why is cheating so hurtful? 

Defining infidelity

As a psychotherapist, I specialize in working with couples. In my work, I have found that a common issue that comes up with couples is that each partner may define infidelity differently. To understand this further, I found an invaluable resource in Esther Perel’s book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. In this book, Perel outlines three major definitions of infidelity: secrecy, sexual alchemy, and emotional involvement.

Secrecy

Secrecy is rooted in the idea that there is a reason why people tend to keep secrets, especially when it comes to cheating. As Perel describes it, secrecy tends to make us feel powerful or free. Have you ever heard the saying “out of sight, out of mind”? Secrecy brings an allure to infidelity. Secrets can be exciting, but this is often a facade. This is because keeping secrets can be intensely emotionally taxing. 

Sexual alchemy

“Nothing happened!” Your partner screams as you notice their cheeks are turning red. Your heart races and you are stuck between pushing the conversation further or letting it go. Technically, your partner was “just talking” to someone else, as opposed to having any physical contact. Perel defines affairs that are both sexual and nonsexual in nature in terms of sexual alchemy. The idea of intimacy with someone else can be just as exciting and erotic than actual sexual contact. It is important to talk with your partner about the parameters in which you feel the line between sexual individuality and sexual alchemy lie. For example, is it okay for your partner to watch porn individually or does that feel like a breach of trust?

Emotional involvement

The third definition of infidelity is emotional involvement. Infidelity usually has an emotional component to it. This may be small but, when it occurs, there is an element of vulnerability. This vulnerability can align with how we understand the nature of a romantic relationship. For most couples, this becomes a major issue. There is often no clear line as to where or when this emotional involvement becomes too much.

Why cheating is so painful: common responses

Perhaps one of the most painful elements of infidelity is when one finds out that their partner has been unfaithful. I have found that, more often than not, my clients who have been cheated on can identify little red flags. The client has often overlooked these flags for a variety of reasons. Clients will replay those moments in their mind and feel a sense of shock that those moments accumulated into this life-changing event. The change from suspicion to certainty can feel like a shock to the system. Sometimes this shock comes with a tinge of relief. In other instances, it can deliver a blow to one’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

Self-blame

A common phrase I hear in session is, “I should have known better.” This belief can help clients to feel a sense of control in a situation that is most certainly out of their control. A common misconception is, if we can blame ourselves for this situation, then there is something that we can do about it. In reality, the thing I encourage my clients to focus on is regulating any emotion that makes them feel flooded. Once we can come to a regulated emotional state, more effective communication can occur. 

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Jealousy

“Jealousy is riddled with contradictions,” Perel writes in her book. This quote struck me to the core and a light bulb went off in my brain. That’s why jealousy feels so complicated. It has become a norm within our society to correlate jealousy with love. This contradicts what love should be: to act and feel lovingly. Jealousy is the opposite of this, bringing us to a place of intense fear, anger, and disgust. When infidelity creeps its way into a relationship, we feel a sense of possessiveness. This manifests itself in the form of jealousy, making it difficult to maintain a logical grasp of the situation.

Loss of identity

Once the jealousy settles in, sometimes we also feel a loss of identity. “Who am I without my partner, the one that I thought was my person?” This brings us to the next casualty of infidelity: a loss of identity. Romantic relationships become such an integral part of our identity that, once there is a betrayal, it is difficult to look at the world around us in the same way. Life can feel unbelievable or surreal. This identity crisis revolves around trying to understand the pain that comes with infidelity. What does this situation mean for me as an individual? What does it mean for my future?

Unsolicited advice

After an affair occurs, it is common to receive unsolicited advice from friends or family. Some clients have described this as one of the worst parts of dealing with infidelity or a break up. During this time, this advice may come from a place of love and care, but can turn into a comparison of whose cheating partner is worse. In sessions, I notice that clients take in information from others and begin to use phrases like “I should be…”, “I need to…”, and “it should feel like…” They can lose sight of what is authentic to their needs and emotions.

Moving forward

Infidelity is painful and complicated. It changes the way we view ourselves and the world around us. In my work as a psychotherapist, I have noticed that infidelity is not spoken about much, even though it is quite common. Redefining infidelity, what it means to us, and what it feels like can help us to assess infidelity in a more productive manner.

Talking about infidelity with your partner and understanding their definition of infidelity as well can bring a sense of connection and understanding in your relationship. As you have this conversation and an ultimate bid for connection, one should always be mindful of some strategies for any form of conflict resolution. These include one’s willingness to discuss the conflict, putting one’s ego aside, allowing the space to disagree and being willing to admit fault. Infidelity is complex but if you are open to having an authentic conversation about it, it doesn’t have to feel so intimidating.

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Are you working through an experience of infidelity in your relationship? The therapists at myTherapyNYC specialize in couples therapy and can help you and your partner to work through this often painful experience.

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Have you ever experienced infidelity? If so, what was your experience like dealing with the complex emotions attached to cheating? Join the conversation in the comments below!