How to Move Towards Security in a Relationship [Transcript]
You may be wondering: what does security in a relationship mean? First and foremost, it means trusting that your relationship can provide you with what you need. This includes needs such as safety, reliability, and consistency. It is an agreement between you and your partner that, when a rupture or difficult emotion comes up, it will be addressed. Security in a relationship means that healing can occur and that your feelings matter. It is a real partnership with an intent to resolve.
What creates “insecurity” in a relationship?
Insecurity in a relationship starts to develop when needs go unmet. When a partner begins to feel that they need to protect themselves within the confines of the relationship, they lose hope that the relationship is a safe space for them to get needs met. They may feel like they cannot resolve issues or receive the care that they need based on the agreements of the relationship. When a partner really starts to discover that is there is a dissonance between what they have developed as an expectation in the relationship, and when it’s either inconsistently provided or not provided at all.
How does trauma affect relationships?
Trauma, relational trauma, specifically, it really is a cycle that can replay itself and can repeat itself in relationships. So what that means is if we have experiences in previous relationships, even going back as far as childhood with caregivers, we had needs as children, and we had either provide caregivers, most often parents, but it could be any caregiver that you had, who you relied on to offer you, reassurance, love, wisdom, anything like that. If needs went unmet as a child, you end up being vulnerable to being triggered. “Triggered” refers to the activation of the body’s fear-response.
Read more about trauma and relationships
What does it mean to be triggered in the context of a relationship?
When we are triggered in a relationship, we are basically taken out of the present. It can feel we are actually reliving. You may have heard of a flashback, but reliving can occur in many, many different ways. What happens when someone is triggered is that they are taken out of the present and reacting from a really primal source. An entirely different system within us is brought online, and we’re actually not present. We’re reliving something. Addressing and supporting the healing of trauma in intimate relationships is possible and it actually supports the person’s individual recovery while they support creating security between themselves.
Read more about trauma triggers
How can couples work towards security, even if there is a trauma history?
So in creating the recovery or healing environment in a relationship, that really requires two things. It requires the person living with trauma to really do some of the exploration. This involves gaining insight into exactly what happens before being triggered. Once that is clear, the goal is to know what “triggered” looks like for them. Most importantly, they need to know what to do to take themselves back into the present and to soothe themselves. The hope is to be able to exercise some feeling of control over the present. This allows them to calm down, and they can remind themselves that they are safe.
The other part of it involves working together as a couple. This can really accelerate the healing by bringing in your partner and having them really understand what the process is for you and what you need. For instance, let’s say your trigger is feeling deprioritized or devalued in some way. If that is the case, it is important to work with your partner so that you can address it. Also, it would be helpful to establish how they can help support you in healing. And in doing that, it undoes aloneness and it facilitates trust and a secure attachment. So it brings back a full circle.
What supports are available for couples?
What I think is really important for people to know is that being triggered in relationships does not mean that healing is not possible. It also doesn’t mean that long-term success and functioning of the relationship will not happen. It’s really important for people to feel that there is hope, and of course, that there is help. Individuals can work on processing and desensitizing themselves in trauma treatment to their own trauma, but also couples’ therapy can help really map it out. This can help clients understand what the cycle looks like and how to move through the process towards secure attachment and healing.
Feeling insecure in your relationship? Couples therapy can help! Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists specialize in couples counseling.
What are your tips for developing a more secure relationship with a partner? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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1 comment
Thank you for this meaningful blog post, Peter. Highlighting asking for support from your partner, while also undoing aloneness especially resonated with me. Asking for what we want or need in a relationship can be challenging sometimes, yet often the way to move toward fulfillment and security.