Online dating has surfaced into mainstream media as one of the main forms of dating. Joining dating apps like Tinder, Grindr, OkCupid and others has become much more common. While online dating has since been integrated into mainstream culture, harmful trends in online dating have been noticed, which interfere with users connecting with people safely. Whether you are meeting someone online or in-person, the road to taking necessary precautions is the same. For those who are new to online dating, please know that you have agency as you explore your journey of connecting with others. Read on to learn how to use dating apps safely.
Rule # 1: Understand safety features
A few online dating apps such as Tinder and OkCupid have many in-app features that allow users to exercise safe online dating. With the general dangers and scrutinization of online dating, dating apps have privacy policies and safety-usage guides for users to read and use to their leisure! This level of transparency is very important when it comes to using dating apps safely. There are many lurking dangers present– not just with strangers on these apps, but also when it comes to online platforms that hold all kinds of information.
Tinder
Tinder has a section on their website called, “A Guide to Tinder,” where the site/app addresses and explains all concerns that one may have about how to use online dating apps safely. This guide not only shows you what you need to get started, but it also shows you what you can expect. For example, when users first sign up for online dating apps, the structure begins with setting up your dating profile. This profile set up begins with verifying your photos.
According to Tinder’s Photo Verification FAQ, “Photo Verification allows you to verify your profile, showing potential matches you’re really you…and gives you an opportunity to make more informed decisions before you ‘Like or Nope’, and is just one of the ways we keep Tinder a safe space for meeting new people.” Essentially, Tinder allows you to verify your photos to act as a safeguard in protecting not only your identity, but also acts as a signal to others that your profile is also trustworthy.
OkCupid
The online dating app OkCupid has a whole section dedicated to safety tips for when using their app. In particular, they discuss reporting and blocking offensive language, harassment, or inappropriate messaging from other users. The safety tips section of OkCupid.com states, “You know when someone’s crossed the line and when they do, we want to know about it.”
Bottom line, verifying photos and having the option to unmatch, block, and report are there for a reason. Use them! You have agency to use your own discernment and intuition on what encroaches your boundaries surrounding dating.
Rule #2: Identify and name your boundaries
Now that we have covered the in-app safety measures in dating apps, let’s talk about identifying and naming boundaries. Boundaries are natural and internal safeguards that we place for ourselves and others. Boundaries can sound like affirmative statements such as, “That does not sit well with me. Please stop.” It can also look like leaving a room when you are in tense or uncomfortable situations. Just like dating in-person, the danger of online dating is that most people have a tendency to disrespect the boundaries that you set. In the virtual world of dating apps, people often find themselves being “ghosted” or being verbally challenged by others. It is essential that you take the time to explore your dating style and identify your boundaries. If you are unsure of what your boundaries are, the following are some places to start.
Utilize intentional check-ins with yourself
Set aside time in your week to be able to check in with your emotions. If someone on a dating app said something that made you experience a level of discomfort, how did that make you feel? What is behind this discomfort? What came up for you as you were reading this message? Check in with yourself by naming the emotion that comes up. Be mindful and curious of how this is being received. Journal this information down during your online dating exploration.
Be mindful of how you communicate with others
Online dating dangers also involve how you interact with others. In other words, just as likely as you are to be “ghosted,” you may find yourself also being the “ghoster” from time to time. Practice self-awareness on how you present yourself on online dating apps. Be curious about how you make others feel, and if this behavior is genuinely reflecting your authentic self.
What are you looking for in online dating? Be honest!
Be curious about what you are looking for when using online dating apps. Are you looking for a serious relationship(s)? Friends? Hook-ups? A big online dating tip is to be honest with yourself and others about your intentions within the app. The last thing you want is to create unnecessary confusion. Some in-app features also have an option to enlist what you are searching for with the app. Be mindful of how this makes you feel.
When safely navigating dating apps, it is important to lead with compassion and care. Learn more about your boundaries by asking yourself how the act of online dating makes you feel.
Read more about healthy habits when online dating
Rule #3: Emotional safeguards
As a psychotherapist in NYC, navigating safe dating with my clients is something that is discussed often. The more that we build relationships with other people, the more we learn about what has the potential to hurt us, and what we can do to protect ourselves from this hurt. Related to boundaries, emotional safeguards are boundaries that we can set for ourselves. Once we name and identify our boundaries, we can utilize these safeguards to protect ourselves when someone oversteps them. It is important to clarify that being hurt is not the eventuality, or in any way a common practice within online dating, but being able to protect yourself against potential harms is always the safest.
An example of emotional safeguarding can be consensual conversations. Using dating apps safely involves affirming your own self-sufficiency and freedom when speaking with other people. If a person is making you feel upset or uncomfortable, you have full agency to ignore, report, or block this person. You do not have to force yourself to like others, or be liked by others. Rather than focusing on levels of connection with others, focus on how you are able to provide safety to yourself. Be curious about what you like in others, and if others feel safe to you.
Green flags and red flags
You can identify measures of safety through green flags and red flags. Green flags and red flags are common dating concepts that can help when exploring how you feel about a potential dating partner(s). Green flags can be seen as a “go” to pursue dating with someone. Red flags can be seen as more precautionary signals for yourself, or they could be a “stop” in pursuing dating someone. Identifying your green and red flags can leave more room for flexibility in boundaries, and allow you to get more in touch with your authentic self. What are this person’s green flags and red flags? What are your green and red flags? Practicing curiosity and care can help you use dating apps safely without any harsh judgment. Use this time to be more explorative than critical. Everything is a learning experience!
Support systems
Finally, the best emotional safeguard that you can utilize are your support systems. Your friends, family, and even your therapist are there to support you. Do not dismiss them! When using dating apps safely, your support system is the most vital resource. They are there to listen to you, hold space for you, and validate your experience. In addition to being emotional safeguards, they can also be practical in guarding your safety. This can look like sharing your location when you are with a person that you met online, having an emergency contact plan, or being able to schedule an “out” if a date ever gets too uncomfortable.
With all of these safety tips being shared, the biggest lesson to takeaway from this blog is that the person who will always know your own merits of safety is you. Trust yourself when using online dating apps, and most importantly, have fun!
Are you interested in seeking support around dating and relationships? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
How do you safely explore your boundaries in online dating? Be sure to leave a response in the comments below!
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3 comments
Thank you for this thought-provoking article, Melanie! As someone who ha used dating apps, I’ve often thought about physical safety, but sometimes forgot to be intentional about emotional safety.
Melanie,
Thank you for this post. I totally agree that emotional check ins are important to do regularly. It’s a practice that definitely needs to be intentional.
Thank you Melanie for highlighting some considerations while using dating apps. It can be daunting with all of the options and people out there, plus the societal norms and pressures that are places upon people. Staying curious with intention and communication are great reminders!