Holiday Anxiety: Why do the Holidays Stress Me Out?

By now, you may have heard “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” over and over through commercials, social media posts or as you walk down the aisles at the grocery store. (Try to read that without hearing it sung by the famous Andy Williams). It has been ingrained in us throughout our lives that this is the time of year where happiness and joy take center stage. Any negative emotions that arise will lead to people screaming “bah humbug” at you as you pass them on the street. If you have felt the pressure to spread joy when in truth, the reality of the past year, month or even week, have you celebrating just getting out of bed in the morning, you are not alone. You are likely experiencing holiday anxiety.

What is holiday anxiety?

Holiday anxiety is a bit different from anxiety that may come up for you on any other day. It comes with feeling worried and panicky as the festivities start and get closer. Some symptoms may also include sleeplessness, feeling on edge, or a sense of impending doom. You may also experience body tension, an upset stomach, panic attacks, heart palpitations, and irrational thinking. All of this may come from the pressures of the holidays. Picking the right gifts, going to holiday gatherings, seeing family can cause stress. For some, it may be the complete absence of these experiences that causes holiday stress.

Holiday anxiety may feel different from other anxieties. Even though we feel it every year, there is also a build up to this time. Many are left feeling that the experience was not what they had hoped for. Another possible element at play could be unconscious or unresolved conflicts/trauma from our past experiences.

Watch our therapists answer questions about holiday stress

Understanding holiday anxiety

When that anxiety feeling takes over your body, it may feel like we are going into fight, flight or freeze. This is a common coping mechanism that has been with us since the dawn of time. This is your brain’s way of recognizing that there is danger ahead, something to fear. In this state, our bodies release hormones. These hormones cause a chain reaction. The immune system slows, the digestive tract shuts down, and this leads to an imbalance in the body as a whole. This may also be part of the reason it seems easier to catch a cold during this time of year. 

I am a therapist and an avid lover of this time of year. I find that the holidays come and go quickly. In the end, I am left asking myself, “why do the holidays stress me out?” All the preparation, anticipation and internal expectations leave me feeling that it was all anti-climatic. Sound familiar? Debra Kissen, the executive director of the Light on Anxiety CBT Treatment Center in Chicago describes these feelings as “the happiness trap.” She explains that when we set ourselves up for high expectations, it is not going to work out that way. When we try too hard to make ourselves happy, it will more than likely have the opposite effect.

There are also less common factors that play a role in these happiness traps. They include over communication with family or friends, travel, and taking time off of work. Dr. Carol A. Bernstein is a professor of psychiatry and neurology at NYU Langone Health. She explains that, as humans, we like our routines and rituals. Anything deviating from this, can cause that internal and sometimes external panic. If we add the pandemic to our list of concerns, it is clear why this holiday season may feel like a snow storm.

Coping with holiday anxiety

Once we can understand what is happening to our bodies and why, we can respond to it. A healthy response is to move towards productive ways to prepare and self regulate. Here are the top three things you can do this year to manage this holiday anxiety and stress. 

Take time to breathe to keep an open mind to the unpredictability of the holiday season

It may sound trivial or common to say in the midst of an anxiety attack or stress inducing situation “take a deep breath.” However,  just as it is important to gain psychoeducation around what is happening physically to our bodies, it is also important to start with making sure the body is getting a vital element to life – oxygen. In the midst of stress, try to take a moment to physically stop everything and take a few deep breaths. This could make all the difference in the world.

Some clients have said to me “this doesn’t help” or “I don’t feel better”. If you have a similar experience, I want to validate that experience and encourage a little curiosity. Through further exploration, you may find that you are confusing a regulated nervous system with feeling better all together. The purpose of the breath is to focus on self regulation before going into any sort of solving mode. Have you ever heard an airplane pilot stress the importance of putting your mask on before assisting others? That is a parallel sentiment to taking a deep breath. You may still fear that the plane is in turbulence. But, with the mask on, you are in a better position to help yourself as well as others. 

Having an open mind goes hand in hand with taking time for your breath. Just like having an unexpected anxiety attack, we may not be fully prepared for what comes up during the holiday. Leaving space to accept what we can as long as it does not compromise our boundaries is important to cope with our stress and anxiety.

Read more about tolerating discomfort

Manage expectations 

Some things are going to be very predictable. There’s that one family member that always seems to find a way to insult you over the dinner table. There’s the last minute cancellations that leave you feeling more alone that you would like. Other things may be unpredictable, such as not having enough time to prepare that meal you have been putting together or unexpected guests showing up. Whatever the case may be, it is important to take things in stride. Instead of leaning into any form of frustration or anger, try saying to yourself “Ah, there it is, that thing I was/was not expecting and I am not going to let it affect how I feel in this moment”. This is easier said than done, of course. But actively saying this to ourselves as many times as needed can be helpful. 

Plan Ahead 

This goes hand in hand with taking some time for self reflection. You know yourself best. What are the things that you know could spike your stress or anxiety? What can we do to counteract this? For example, you may know that preparing that dish you are supposed to take to that family gathering the night before will help ease the stress of getting the kids together the morning of. In this case, getting everything you need ahead of time and setting some time aside the night before should be a priority.

If you feel that nothing can stop the impending stress that will inevitably come for you prioritize self care. This is especially important before a get together, shopping trip, or family conversation. Creating a plan may not make the situation “better,” but we are looking for ways to decrease the stress and anxiety with these small steps.

Holiday anxiety may feel intense and overwhelming. It’s important to keep in mind that understanding where this anxiety comes from can give us the power to engage with it in a more productive manner. Taking steps to keep an open mind, manage expectations, and plan ahead will provide a platform for a better holiday season.

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Are you experiencing a large amount of anxiety about the holidays? Consider joining our free monthly Meditation & Mindfulness Group to practice skills proven to help alleviate anxiety.

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What are some ways you have been able to manage your holiday stress and anxiety? Join the conversation in the comments below!