When someone comes to us for support, it can stir up several emotions. We might feel flattered, special, uncomfortable, concerned, confused, or even angry depending on what they shared. It is important to remember, most of the time friends are not looking for advice on how to fix their problem and really just need to feel heard and attended to. Being a supportive friend most often means listening and being present. By taking the time to listen and show that you care, you are already helping! Remember, it is not your responsibility to “fix it.” There often is no clear solution and providing support can be the key to being a good friend.
Read more: 6 Steps to Becoming an Engaged Listener
The Dos of being a supportive friend
Empathize
Letting someone know that we understand what they are feeling is one of the most important aspects of showing support. Empathy communicates an understanding of someone’s emotional experience. It is different from sympathy in the sense that the emphasis is on the other person’s feelings and experience. Empathy is the ultimate tool to show support and it helps us avoid jumping in to offer a solution or give advice.
An example of empathy could be “I can tell this is weighing on you” in contrast, sympathy is “I feel so bad for you.”
Read more: Helping Someone with Depression: 5 Ways to be Supportive
Validate
Validating a friend, communicates acceptance and understanding, even when we don’t necessarily agree. Validation communicates that you “get it” and understand why a friend is in distress and that their feelings are understandable or even normal. Being a supportive friend means validating their feelings before offering a solution, or giving advice. There are many ways to validate someone and it is an essential way to offer support.
An example of validation- “I understand that you are feeling sad, I think I would feel the same way.”
Ask specific questions
Asking a question before offering feedback is another impactful tool for being a supportive friend. Asking questions demonstrates that you care, and are curious about the person’s experience. It also opens communication and gives that person more room to reflect and share. There is no need to try and read someone’s mind to give them the right answer or to know what they need. You can always just ask.
Example- What do you need from me right now? Is there anything I can do to help? How are you taking care of yourself?
The Don’ts of being a supportive friend
Don’t make assumptions
Your friend most likely does not respond to the same things that help you. Though you know and care for this person, it’s best not to assume what they need. We are all different and have different needs and different preferences for receiving support. It is much more helpful to ask what you can do to help before jumping in to give advice or offer feedback. This relates to point number 3 above. This way, you can be confident that when you do contribute you are more likely to hit the mark.
Don’t take on the responsibility to “fix it!”
Do not try to fix the problem by listing different solutions before asking what you can do, or what this person needs. More than likely the person wants to be heard and supported, not told what they can do. The worst kind of advice is the kind no one asked for. This can add unnecessary stress on you and lead you to feel uncomfortable or angry if your well-intentioned advice is not taken.
Don’t compare their problem to one of your own
For example, “OMG me too!” or “I know exactly what you’re going through.” Though this might help you feel more connected to your friend, it puts you at center stage effectively taking space away from your friend. When we are stressed or hurting it often feels like no one understands us. By using the tips above, you can communicate your understanding and empathy while also allowing your friend to remain the center of the discussion.
The most important thing to keep in mind when holding space for loved ones is that people most often want to feel heard. By listening carefully, without distractions or interruptions you are communicating that the other person matters to you. Humans need healthy relationships to survive. Being there for someone in need is one of the single most important ways to keep a relationship healthy.
When you are looking for support, what is most helpful to you?
- The Dos and Don’ts of Being a Supportive Friend - January 11, 2019
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6 comments
I love this blog, because it highlights a lot of things we do without even realizing it. What I personally find most helpful is validation. It’s really important to give space to whatever feeling or problem we are discussing and validating the feeling.
This is an awesome post. Being a supportive friend can be straining when we don’t know how to help, but so rewarding when we know how to respond and this blog does a great job of breaking that down. I know for me, just having someone listen and validate my feelings provides the comfort I need. Thanks Cate!
Great blog, Cate! It can be really challenging talking to a friend when you need support, as you stated many people want to help their friends feel better so they try to “fix it” for them. I appreciate you explaining how just being a good listener is often the best way to offer support. For me, when I am in need of support I often turn to the people who understand and care for me the most. This usually keeps me safe from unsolicited suggestions and or advice. Thanks for posting this!
This post does a great job of offering guidance of how to be supportive when a friend is going through a hard time. I think the point of not trying to take the responsibility of fixing the problem is so important, even though it can be hard not to want to jump in and save the day. When I’m having a hard time, I find a lot of comfort in a friend who will be there to talk to me and ask me questions about what I’m going through. Thanks for this great post, Cate!
I love this blog, Cate! It does a great job of guiding us how to support a friend without “jumping in the well” with them. It is such an important reminder that simply listening to someone and validating their experience is helping in itself. I know for me, truly feeling heard by someone feels incredibly supportive.