Couples often come to therapy feeling distressed about how they fight. Conflict with a partner can feel like a threat to the relationship. Couples sometimes fear that conflict is a sign of a relationship in decline. They may feel stuck and afraid that addressing the conflict will ignite an insurmountable crisis. In fact, conflict is a part of every relationship. Depending on how you respond and manage, it can deepen and strengthen a relationship. While conflict is uncomfortable, it is can be a sign that something needs attention. Facing conflict in a healthy way, while respecting each other’s boundaries, can help a relationship grow. Here are four examples that highlight the value of relationship conflict:
Conflict improves communication
When you face relationship conflict, what do you do? Make space for the emotions that arise. If you know what you are feeling you can try to express it. Stay focused on the specific issue that brought on the conflict. You can ask each other what happened? How did each person feel about it and what do you want instead? Your instinct might be to move away from each other. However, if you can allow the discomfort, stay connected, get more information and explore options for moving forward, the relationship conflict can provide an opening for direct communication.
Read more: 3 Skills for Validating your Partner’s Feelings
Conflict increases understanding and intimacy
Increasing your ability as a couple to communicate through the relationship conflict can result in a clearer understanding of what you want and need from each other. If you both know what each person wants and needs, you’ll be less likely to run into the same conflict in the future. This is how conflict improves understanding between partners. When there is a better understanding, you can begin to trust that you are seen and heard by your partner. You may feel more confident being more open and vulnerable, thereby increasing intimacy.
Conflict builds trust
Trust is a big word in relationships. The depth of trust we have with our partner develops when our expectations are met consistently and over time and conflicts present those opportunities. When we navigate through conflict effectively and discover our relationship can weather a disagreement, conflict feels less like a threat. The strength of a relationship is reinforced by successfully addressing conflict as it arises. We learn the areas where there are limits or boundaries as well as the potential for gaining and giving more.
Read more: Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
Conflict allows us to be more authentic in our relationships
When we learn to communicate our wants and needs, we understand each other better. This understanding allows us to be more open and vulnerable and it increases intimacy. We traverse the challenges of conflict and our relationships strengthen. When we feel secure and know our partner is responsive and accessible, we improve the ability to be the fullest version of ourselves in our relationship.
Conflict is a normal and expected part of every relationship. A healthy relationship can flow through disagreement successfully, grow and become stronger. Consider each of the four points as motivation to stay present during any conflict. Look for the opportunity to improve communication, increase understanding and intimacy, build trust and be authentic in your relationship. If you and your partner are struggling to work through your conflicts, you might consider couples therapy. Couples therapy is a great resource to engage in a healthy process to strengthen your bond and to develop effective communication and conflict negotiation skills. This blog drew inspiration from Dr. Sue Johnson.
What are other ways that conflict can be a valuable part of a relationship?
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9 comments
Great job Glenn! This is such a helpful blog. It’s important to understand that fighting is not always a bad thing.
Reframing conflict can help so many people work through problems in relationships. These points really help you understand why addressing problems builds a stronger bond. Great post, Glenn!
This is a very useful and important topic. People often think of arguments as a sign of instability. It’s good to learn about the positive aspects of conflict in relationships.
Great points on how conflict relates to intimacy and trust!
Great post thanks!!
I love this blog post! Thank you for bringing attention to this important topic. So many of us spend so much energy trying to avoid conflict, when in fact, conflict is a necessary – and healthy – part of all relationships, as you detail. This is such a good reminder of how we can grow as individuals and as a couple through navigating conflict in relationships in a healthy way.
Hey Glenn,
Great points! I especially like your note, “When there is a better understanding, you can begin to trust that you are seen and heard by your partner.” Relationships create that unique and invaluable opportunity to truly be yourself with another person. You are so right about working through conflict as a way to be seen and heard.
This is great, Glenn! Conflict does not have to be a negative thing. It simply means that there is a disagreement and feelings and emotions are triggered by it. Making space to process conflict is the key to a healthy relationship. Thanks for normalizing conflict!
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