Even if you love your therapist, they are human after all. Chances are you’ve had the experience of expressing something to your therapist and finding that their response feels a little off. Their response might have rubbed you the wrong way and even offended you. It could feel intimidating or scary to tell your therapist what you really think sometimes, especially if you have a strong reaction to something they say (or don’t say!). However, it can also be incredibly fruitful to take the risk and express your authentic reaction when you are upset with your therapist. Here are a few reasons why:
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Therapy is for you
Therapy is for you after all, so you do not need to be polite or let your worry about your therapist’s feelings interfere with you expressing yourself fully and authentically. It really is okay to tell your therapist how you feel about something they said or did. Nothing is off limits. A good therapist should welcome you to express your true feelings. The therapist should be comfortable processing feelings with you, even if your feelings are about them.
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The therapeutic relationship matters
The most important factor in the quality of therapy is the relationship you have with your therapist. Therefore, if you are upset with your therapist or if you’re holding onto negative feelings about a prior interaction with them, it could remain present and impact your relationship, whether you express it or not. Unexpressed feelings can understandably be distracting and may even cause you to lose trust, hold back, or even shut down. Therapy is your space to get support, and you deserve to clear out any barriers that are in the way of you getting your needs met.
You can gain deeper insight
Some of the most powerful work we do in therapy can come from exploring the feelings that come up in the moment with your therapist. If we dig deeper, we can gain great insight into other spots in our lives, where similar feelings are triggered. While being upset with your therapist can start out feeling like it’s in the way of therapy, addressing the feelings with your therapist can lead to incredibly useful realizations about other relationships in your life. Sometimes, people project feelings they have about other people in their lives onto their therapists, which is a very common phenomenon called transference. Feeling upset with your therapist could be a clue about important feelings you have towards another person in your life. Exploring these feelings with your therapist might be a safe way to begin to work on the challenges that exist in this other relationship in your life.
It’s great practice for life
If you are someone who tends to avoid conflicts, fears confronting others, or struggles to assert your own needs, speaking up with your therapist can be a powerful opportunity for you to practice doing this, in a (hopefully) safe and supportive space, where there is room to process the experience. This process takes a lot of courage. Doing it can boost your confidence in speaking up with others in your life.
You hope that your therapist always knows the exact right thing to say. But in reality, they might occasionally make a choice that disappoints or even upsets you. Part of the beauty of the therapeutic relationship is that when you do feel upset with your therapist, you are actually encouraged to tell them. Of course, this might feel intimidating; however, taking the risk to do it can be powerful and even healing.
Have you ever brought up your relationship with your therapist in therapy? If so, how did it go?
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11 comments
I love this blog, Pamela! Sharing how you feel your therapist has let you down can be scary, but so enlightening. A very important topic.
Your blog is so interesting and informative. It’s really important to learn that it’s completely okay to tell your therapist you are angry with them, instead of just bottling your feelings.
Congrats on your first blog post, Pamela! You raise some very important points about the therapeutic alliance.
What a great blog! Yes, Tell us how you feel. It’s really important to let the clients know that they can always tell their therapists how they really feel. We are humans too and can make mistakes.
Really important topic! This is a good reminder of the opportunity we have in our work with our therapists to be able to try out sharing our authentic feelings and navigate conflict in a safe and supportive setting.
This is such an important topic! Thanks for breaking down some reasons it can be helpful, or even necessary to share our negative feelings with our therapists. As a clinician and as a participant in therapy I can definitely attest that some of the most powerful therapeutic moments came from sessions where we were discussing negative feelings about therapy. Great job!
Thanks Pamela for a great blog! Being open to share and model our vulnerability with clients is paramount.
Great blog, Pamela! The relationship between the therapist and client is so important, as it is the foundation for which the work will be build upon. I really like the awareness you bring to the fact that negative feelings about a previous interaction can disrupt the work.
I’m glad you mentioned how it’s important to speak out if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist. If I were in a situation where my therapist stepped out of line or said something offensive, I think I’d need to talk about it immediately, so it won’t happen again. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to speak openly with a therapist. I think you did a great job explaining the importance of a good therapist-patient relationship.https://www.missionreadycounseling.com/families
Even when you’ve got a good relationship with a good therapist, things won’t be good 100 percent of the time. When things go wrong in therapy, it’s vital to work through them.
The most important thing you can do when you feel hurt, misunderstood, or rejected in therapy is to tell your therapist. If there is a problem, no matter how big or small, talk about it. Healing relationship ruptures isn’t just repair work—it’s the heart of the therapeutic process.
It can also be incredibly fruitful to take the risk and express your authentic reaction when you are upset with your therapist. Telling your therapist about something that hurt you requires courage and vulnerability and brings a lot of deep emotions to the surface. These conversations may not be the easiest, but they can be the most powerful. Think of them as elevators that can take your therapy to the next level.
Nothing is off limits. Sometimes there are misunderstandings and miscommunication issues. These are a normal part of any relationship, including the therapeutic relationship. Some common issues that might come up are financial issues, personality differences, misunderstanding therapeutic techniques or progress, disagreements over goals, etc.
What is the benefit of bringing up any issues I have with my therapist when we both know I am not suicidal or have my anger issues anymore? Practice for later life? Ha…..I am 67….I don’t have any relationship to practice for. It sounds like making a mess for no purpose.
Sometimes I think I’ll just ride off into the sunset without notice and sometimes I think I should tell her why I’m saddling up!