Self Grieving: Steps for Mourning Your Past Self and Living More Authentically

Self-grieving is an essential part of the healing process. When we begin to gain a deeper understanding of the ways we have suffered in the past, it can be difficult to sit with the feelings of sadness, anger, and fear that may arise. Experiencing these feelings may be painful and uncomfortable. However, giving ourselves the space to acknowledge them makes room for compassion and clarity to take their place. By honoring our pain in the present, we can look forward to a brighter future. 

What is self-grieving? 

When we experience adversity, the brain has a tendency to create false stories in order to make sense of our suffering. For example, if we were neglected by our parents in childhood, we may believe things like, “I am bad,” or “I am unlovable.” The truth is that we are not to blame for the hurt that has been inflicted upon us, especially as children.

When we self-grieve, we direct feelings of compassion and love to the parts of us that have been deprived of care and safety. We cannot live authentically when we do not feel safe. This is why we may find ourselves in relationships that we know are not good for us, or getting caught up in behaviors that do not align with our values. In order to break free from what no longer serves us, we need to look inward and honor the pain that we have been holding. 

How do we begin to mourn for our past selves?

Step 1: Be an ally to your past self

Our hurt parts need to trust that we will be there to support them, not shame them. This may be difficult to do on our own, especially if we are used to being judged for expressing our emotions. A relational therapist can be a helpful resource in this process. Learning how to receive feelings of care, compassion, and unconditional acceptance is the first step in being able to direct these feelings inward.

This process might feel uncomfortable at first, but it is in this discomfort that real change occurs. Feeling a sense of trust and safety with a therapist is essential to healing the parts of us that were made to feel that we are undeserving of care and love. When we have a compassionate ally on our side, we can begin to foster that nonjudgemental acceptance from within and become our own ally. 

Step 2: Acknowledge 

In order to self-grieve, it is important that we acknowledge our feelings. Shame, guilt, sadness, anger, and fear may be lingering beneath the surface of our minds. Once we are able to give space to these difficult emotions, we can begin to let them go. As humans, our brains have a natural tendency to create distractions or defenses. It is a way to protect ourselves from the pain and distress that strong emotions may cause.

Say, for example, that you tend to overwork yourself or spread yourself too thin. You may do this in order to avoid the feelings of discomfort that arise when you are all alone, doing nothing. These distractions require a lot of energy and keep our authentic selves hidden. They may also strain our relationships or keep us stuck in habits that cause us more harm than good. A good place to start is asking yourself the following questions: How do I know I am experiencing shame, guilt, sadness, anger, and fear? What do these emotions feel like in my body? Do experiencing these emotions remind me of anything from my past? 

Step 3: Attend to (Visualize) 

We can begin to attend to these difficult emotions from a safe distance by visualizing our hurt parts outside of ourselves. This is an exercise from Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s book It’s Not Always Depression. Try to imagine what your hurt self looks like. How old are they? What do they need to feel safe and comforted? Approaching our hurt selves with gentle curiosity is a way to gain a deeper understanding of what we have been through. This can allow us to effectively grieve the past. We cannot go back in time and change what happened to us. However, we can change how the past affects us in the present and future.

Once you are able to vividly imagine your hurt self, visualize your present self as a comforting parent attending to the needs of your inner child. This can look like giving your hurt self a hug, making eye contact, or saying kind words. If you have trouble creating vivid images in your mind, try journaling instead. Create a story about your inner child and try to use as many details as possible. Doing this may take some practice, but with consistency and the support of a therapist, we can make it through the grieving process and eventually let go. 

Step 4: Affirm 

Once we begin to release the burden of shame, guilt, and anxiety, it is important to continuously affirm the things we learned in the process. This allows our brains to accept these new truths. Whenever you have the urge to judge or shame yourself, think back to the image of your hurt self. Try to replace harsh words with words of compassion and care. For example, replace “I am unlovable” with “My hurt self deserved to be loved and protected.”

Read more about practicing self compassion 

Step 5: Adopt an accepting and loving stance 

An important thing to note is self-compassion is not the same as self-pity. The purpose of mourning for the self is not to dwell on the ways in which we have suffered, but instead to acknowledge how these past experiences have affected us so that we can leave them in the past. Similarly to mourning the loss of a loved one, we cannot move forward if we do not process and honor the pain. Remember your strength in being able to survive the past. Tap into what it feels like to sit with feelings of love, compassion, and acceptance.

Read more about managing grief 

In giving our past selves the space to heal, we uncover our true selves hiding underneath all the pain we carried for so long. We can begin to make decisions based on what we want and need, rather than what will allow us to survive the hurt. We can direct more energy into supportive, loving relationships and accept the care and compassion that we deserve.

Could you benefit from exploring and grieving for your past self? Working with a therapist can help you to move into a more authentic life.

 What would you say to your past hurt self? Join the conversation in the comments below!