For many of us, being kind to other people comes naturally. Being kind to ourselves, however, is a different story. I often hear clients tell me about how compassionate, and supportive they are to their loved ones. I also often notice how these same people are unkind and critical toward themselves. There are many reasons why people are hard on themselves. For some, it is how they learned to see themselves through the eyes of their caregivers. Others may experience that being extremely self-critical feels like the only way to succeed. For others, it can be a reflection of a truly low opinion of themselves.
That said, your relationship with yourself is often at the core of other issues. These issues include depression, anxiety, struggles with intimacy, or a lack of confidence. If you can learn to be your own friend, you may be surprised at how other problems in your life start to resolve themselves. Practicing self-compassion can help you to learn how to be as good of a friend to yourself as you are to others.
Being mean to yourself
In my work, I notice that many clients are much harsher toward themselves than they would ever imagine being toward another person. For people like this, making a mistake or having an emotional response is often met with a downward spiral. The downward spiral can lead to self-shaming thoughts: “How could I forget that I had to do that today? I am such an idiot.” “Why am I sad that my friend canceled on me? I am way too sensitive.”
There are a number of reasons this could be happening. For people who grew up with highly critical caregivers, they may have learned this way of seeing themselves from them. If, as a child, your parents are telling you (or nonverbally signaling to you) that you are always wrong or that your emotions are too much, you probably learn to believe that about yourself. As an adult, the self-critical voice in your own head may sound a lot like the voices of your highly critical caregivers. For others, being hard on themselves feels like the only way to succeed. Sometimes people say that they think they would be lazy and unsuccessful if they were kinder to themselves. Others are afraid they would get cocky or egotistical. Most of the time, however, the people who say this have not tested this theory out.
Practicing self-compassion
Self-compassion is simply the practice of applying compassion to yourself. If you are a person who is in a lifelong habit of being unkind and critical of yourself, this is no easy task. With practice, however, you can learn to be a good friend to yourself. A good place to start is intentionally shifting your self-talk to be more compassionate.
For example, if you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up about it, try saying to yourself, “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect! I am allowed to fail sometimes”. You may even want to try putting your hand somewhere comforting (like on your chest). Have you tried speaking to yourself in the second person or using your own name? “It is okay that you made a mistake, Weston. You are human”. This sounds weird, but, if you try it out, you may be surprised at how comforting it feels.
Another aspect of being a good friend to yourself is intentionally giving yourself credit when you do a good job. For many people, it is easy to celebrate the accomplishments of a friend. When it comes to themselves, however, they may hardly take any notice of their own accomplishments or positive traits. Again, intentional and positive self-talk can help. Try saying to yourself things like, “I see how caring you are” or “you did a great job today.” This can be especially helpful when you are met with others invalidating or overlooking the positive things about you.
Read more: How to Be Your Own Best Friend
Practicing self-care
Another aspect of being a good friend to yourself is recognizing when you need something and giving it to yourself. Developing and utilizing self-care practices is all about treating yourself as someone who deserves to be nurtured and taken care of. For me, relaxing in a hot bath or spending some time stretching my muscles or laying around with my cat are all things that I know make me feel relaxed and cared for. Therefore, if I have a particularly stressful day or notice that I am irritable or anxious, I can set aside some time to do these things and I know they will help. Identifying the things that you can do for self-care and intentionally giving them to yourself is another great way to be a kind and compassionate friend to yourself.
Watch: Bring Self-compassion into Mindfulness
For many people, being self-critical is a lifelong habit. If this is true for you, you may not even realize how hard you are on yourself until you start paying attention. If you find that you are critical of your mistakes or emotions, practicing self-compassion can begin to change your life for the better. Try shifting your self-talk to be more self-compassionate and kind. You may be surprised at how you start to feel better about yourself. If you begin to practice self-care when you need it, you can learn to manage your stress and negative emotions.
When you feel good about yourself, depression and anxiety can begin to lessen and you may start to feel more confident and accepting of others’ affection and appreciation of you. Your relationship with yourself is so fundamental to your mood, confidence, and ability to accept love from others. As a result, cultivating a positive and compassionate attitude towards yourself can lead to monumental shifts in your life.
If self-compassion is a goal for you this year, reach out to us to explore it further in individual therapy.
How do you practice self-compassion? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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7 comments
This is a great blog! I practice self-compassion by doing what you said–using mindfulness to bring awareness of the tone and content of my self-talk. Sometimes we’re so used to being hard on ourselves, it can even slip by us! Thank you for this information. It’s so helpful.
My own therapist has a mantra that she frequently will repeat in our sessions: “I can survive this.” When stuff gets stressful, it’s a helpful reminder for me to realize that I can overcome whatever life throws at me.
Thank you for this blog, Weston! I appreciate that you’ve included the importance of self care. I’ve struggled with letting go of any guilt or shame in engaging in self care activities, like taking a nice, hot bath, in the past, when it’s the very thing I may need in the moment!
Thank you, Weston, for your kind words and wisdom on self-compassion. I have found during this pandemic that I have had to re-evaluate self-care and often accept that I may need more of it most days. There’s a noticeable difference in my mood when I am able to give myself some relief with a cup of tea or a long walk when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
Hi Weston!
Thank you for this great resource! I appreciate how you highlighted the importance of slowing down and noting how you are talking to yourself! I have been practicing self-compassion by listening to my body more and asking myself “is what I am doing feel true to me?” “is this bringing me joy?”.
Thank you for this wonderful reminder of what self compassion looks like! Sometimes it’s hard to form your own language around self compassion and I found these excellent examples very helpful!
Thank you Weston for such an important blog post! I really feel like this information is so personally valuable as I struggle myself with self-compassion.