How do I stay connected to my adult children?

At what point does our job as parents become easier? Some would argue that the hardest stages are when our children are younger. They require the utmost attention, love, affection. And don’t even get me started on the psychoanalytic developmental life stages – talk about pressure! Jean Piaget talks about four fundamental stages of development from birth to the age of 12. In each stage, a parental figure is key in how one moves through these stages. However, what we don’t often talk about is when this child grows up. What happens to the relationship when that child becomes an adult with their own thoughts, emotions, experiences and sometimes trauma? Many of us know that our relationship with parents as adults can be tricky. But it can be an even bigger transition for those in the role of parents.

This stage can be difficult to navigate, because our role as parent has shifted from caregiver to something more like a support system. Throughout this shift, there may be differences in how one views life. With such a difficult transition, it is common to ask ourselves, how do I stay connected to my adult child? 

Parenting young children

Before we get into having a relationship with our children as adults, let’s touch on parenting young children. It includes all of the toddler tantrums, late night cuddles, kissing a small wound or a big emotion. Protecting this little being in a big world is something that should be acknowledged and validated. As a parent, you may put your needs or wants aside in order to provide the best care for your child. This is no small task and, let’s be honest, can be emotionally draining. When those little beings turn into adolescents and adults with perhaps a different view of the world, it can be difficult to adjust to. This major change may make it difficult to have a relationship with our adult children, so what can be done?

Shifts in emerging adulthood

This transition in a parent-child dynamic happens long before that child is officially an adult. As an adolescent, there is a major focus on identity exploration, love and world views. When they enter their 20s, this identity either becomes stronger or shifts based on experiences, values, and beliefs. The parental role may change from protection to something much more unfamiliar – just leaning into the curiosity and supportive roles. That may seem easy enough. However, I have noticed in working with parents of adult children that it can be difficult. One of the biggest concerns is feeling that they see their child making similar or the same mistakes they once made. Often, this leaves them as parents feeling powerless and in fear. If this fear seems familiar, you are not alone! 

The changes that are necessary within this dynamic continue as this young adult grows into their 30s and 40s. At this stage, their main focus may lean towards starting a family of their own, fostering and  growing friendships, as well as finding their identity in a professional setting. This all can be difficult for a parent because there is a sense of loss. They often find themselves reflecting on the past as they also get older. There may be a role reversal that feels conflicting and confusing. This role reversal may include something as complex as a shift in care or something as seemingly simple as a change in emotional need. 

Read more about the aging in the parent-child relationship

What makes for strong relationships with parents as adults?

We know that parenting young children is something that takes a lot of patience, love, and care. As your relationship forms into an adult, the dynamic shifts can be overwhelming. Considering this, how does one stay connected to their adult children? Below is a list of tips that can form as a helpful foundation to your ultimate goal of being connected to the ones you love the most. 

Respecting boundaries 

The word “boundaries” has been used time and time again. I have noticed in sessions, some clients roll their eyes as they know I am about to use that word. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because the misuse and overuse of the word has brought us to lose sight of what it really means. Psychotherapist Matt Cartwright describes boundaries as being a vital part of maintaining healthy relationships. It is the thing that sets limits to build integrity and authenticity within our relationships to others.

Read more about setting boundaries

When it comes to adult children, you may recognize that you have new boundaries in the relationship. They may be placed by you your adult children. The first and healthiest step to take is to recognize, acknowledge and respect that these boundaries are there. This does not mean that you have to agree with them. Rather, acknowledge that they may be different from what was once expected within the relationship and that is okay. These boundaries may bring an unexpectedly better dynamic with your adult children.

Once these boundaries are recognized, it is important to keep a few key communication tools in mind. This can help you to discuss these boundaries in a productive manner. Keep in mind that your child is the expert in their own life. Though their approach may feel foreign to you, it is important to take a step back and really listen to what is important to them. Remember, you don’t have to agree, but it’s important to respect the boundaries. This goes for the other way around as well. You may have your own new boundaries. It is important to set some basic understanding of how to disagree within this new dynamic and how to hold each other accountable.

Recognizing differences 

 Conflict is inevitable in any type of relationship. Sometimes this can be a result of a personality disparity which can feel daunting. A way to look at this difference instead would be to lean into celebrating your adult child’s independent thoughts and ideas. Having a difference in opinion, thought, or even lifestyle can bring a unique perspective that fosters closeness in your relationship. Make room for conversations, keeping in mind the foundation for how to disagree. This will help you understand these differences instead of shying away from the unfamiliar. 

Communication

Young children need consistency and structure. As the parent, you are the expert as they try to navigate learning about the world around them. When these children grow into adults, we take a step back from CEO to consultant.  Your experiences and ideas are valuable. Being able to offer “expert advice” without expecting them to fully implement this advice can form a foundation of trust and respect. This also goes hand in hand with being a sounding board for your adult child. Allowing that line of communication to be open without needing to give a certain advice could also be a powerful way to hear your adult child differently.

Continuing to make time for each other 

Whether it be online or in person, continuing to make time to be with your adult child is also an important factor. Staying connected and knowing each other on a deeper level creates an ongoing intimacy and closeness. I recognize that this seems like an obvious step. However, as both you and your adult child navigate different life milestones or events, it can be easy to overlook a quick 5 minute phone call. Even if its simply to just say “I love you,” these times to connect are vital. 

From the day you find out you are going to be a parent, it is so easy to dream about who or what this child will grow up to be. Letting go of expectations and finding those small ways to be open and present with your adult child is one of the best ways to stay connected to them. 

What are some traditions you hold within your family to stay connected to your adult children? Join the conversation in the comments below!