The Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire [Transcript]
One of the most common issues that couples face in and out of therapy is sex and one of the most common challenges about sex is differences in desire. Without being able to understand or communicate about these challenges, frustration and resentment can build up over time. Watch this video to learn about the differences in sexual desire.
Read More: 4 Things to Improve Sex Communication
If our only source of knowledge about sex was media and porn, we might believe that spontaneous desire is the only kind there is. In these portrayals, two people usually see each other across a room, feel immediately overwhelmed with passionate desire, rip each other’s clothes off, and have the best sex they’ve ever had. However, if we were to ask most couples if this is what their sex life actually looks like, they would say no. Some people do experience desire this way and that is absolutely fine. However, many do not and there is nothing wrong with that either.
A myth that is perpetuated by this type of portrayal of sex is that everyone should feel desire this way and, if you don’t, then something is wrong with you. That is simply not true. Another myth is that desire is a prerequisite for sex to happen and this is also totally false. A helpful way to understand desire is to know the difference between two major kinds of desire.
Spontaneous Desire
Spontaneous desire is the kind of desire that is usually portrayed in the media. It seems to come out of nowhere, it is experienced at the drop of a dime, and it is sparked by even a small thing. Many people do experience this type of desire at some point in their lives, particularly at the beginning of a relationship.
Responsive Desire
The other kind of desire is called responsive desire. This kind of desire does not seem to come out of anywhere. Instead, this is a response to arousal. What this means is that someone may decide to engage in sexual activity before they get turned on and then their desire emerges as a result of this process. Many people, including most women, experience desire this way.
As you can see, contrary to most portrayals we see of sex, desire does not need to be present to lead to sex. Desire can be the spark that can lead to great sex or desire may not be present at first and arousal can then lead to desire. Also, the same person can experience both kinds of desire at different times in their life, with different partners, or under different circumstances.
The important thing to know is that no matter which kind of desire you experience, it is normal and healthy and it can be a path to having a fulfilling sex life with your partner or partners. Learning to understand your own experience of desire and learning to communicate that better with your partner(s) can be a helpful tool in navigating your sex life.
If you would like to hear more on this topic, please watch my webinar: Reigniting the Spark: Navigating Differences in Sexual Desire with Your Partner(s).
Want help working with sexual desire? You may want to consider working with a couples therapist. Click here to learn more!
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8 comments
Good job Pamela! We all know sex is a very common issue couples face, so it’s good to talk about the differences between sexual desire and how to actually communicate it with our partners.
What a great eye opener, Pamela. I think a lot of people think something is “wrong” when they don’t experience immediate arousal and you do such a great job of explaining why this is normal. I look forward to joining your webinar on August 23!
What does it mean to sound spontaneous in a relationship
Great blog- thanks Pamela for clarifying the importance of both aspects of sexual connection and how it fits in our lives. I appreciate how being responsive in connecting with someone may build up to connecting to one emotions. Working on ongoing intimacy with a partner depends on each others shared emotions.
This is such an important topic! Thank you for spreading the word and dismantling the assumptions about sex and desire. So many people come to my office talking about their shame and discomfort related to a lack of matching desire in their relationships.
This is great, Pamela! Thanks for normalizing sexual desire and the lack of desire. So many people have a false perception of what is “suppose” to happen in regards to sexual desire. This video blog surely eases the tension people may feel about talking about sex. Nice work!
Well, spontaneous sexual desire is something that occurs when the mental interest of a person arises first. It is about finding your wild passion. On the contrary, spontaneous desire is something that happens when the person feels his physical preparedness for sex. No doubt, each sex drive comes with its own provocations. Sometimes, it is good to be responsive and sometimes, it is good to be spontaneous. However, understanding the difference between these two sex drives can be game-changing. You can consult a doctor, if you want to get more recommendation regarding the way to improve your sexual function . Thanks a lot for this handy post.