Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are bad, wrong or broken and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It is a universal emotion that we all share when something we have done or not done could cause disconnection with others. Shame gets its power from staying hidden and keeping quiet. It is that feeling in the gut of your stomach that says “I am bad.” It can be subtle or it can be overwhelming.
In our society we are often shamed for who we are and who we are not. We have been receiving messages since we were children that lead to shame. Researchers indicated that for women it is about being the perfect wife, mother and daughter while making it look easy and looking skinny and gorgeous at the same time. For men, it is about doing what ever it takes to avoid looking weak. Shame leads us to feeling small, defeated, unworthy and afraid. Here are four steps to combat shame:
1. Recognize that it is happening when it happens.
Shame is universal and we all feel it. It has a biology that can be physically recognized in the body. By being able to notice and acknowledge your shame triggers, you can feel your way through it. You can figure out the message and expectations that triggered it. You can learn about your shame triggers so that you know what they are and when they get activated.
2. Once you know the triggers, practice critical awareness.
Take the time to do a reality check. Are these expectations real and attainable? Are these messages who you want to be or are they messages about what other want us to be? Am I worried about what people are thinking about me or am I being authentic and true to myself? Practice having a keen eye for the truth about our behaviors and the situations we experience.
3. Reach out and share with someone who has earned the right to hear your story.
Owning your story requires that you to reach out. Combating shame requires connecting so that you can experience empathy. Shame hates connection. Having another recognize your experience begins to dissolve the shame and build shame resilience.
4. Speak up and speak out.
Talk about how you feel and ask for what you need. Shame wants you to keep quiet and isolate. It loves that you hide, but when you tell others what is going on inside of you then you are being vulnerable. You are having the courage and taking the risk to ask for what you want and need. This takes the power away from shame and puts you back in the drivers seat.
These steps require practice. Be compassionate with yourself as you put these steps into your life. Recognize and validate that you are doing the best that you can. Be gentle and easy as you step into your highest self know that you are not alone on this journey. Reach out to others and share, you will be helping them as much as you are helping yourself.
What are some of the proactive ways that you use in your life to combat feelings of shame? Feel free to share your tips and experiences in the comments section below.
This information was adapted from Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in August 2014 and has been updated.
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2 comments
I agree that sharing it with someone whom I trust is the best way to begin combatting shame. I also find that positive self talk helps (reminding myself that I have tried my best or talking to myself about the positive things that are happening in my life). Does anyone else find that positive self talk helps them fight shame?
The idea that sharing your story can combat shame resonates with me. I feel like the more I am able to talk about a situation and say what happened, the more comfortable I am. It’s like telling the story almost sets the shame free.