Do’s and Don’ts of Negotiating Boundaries in an Open Relationship

If you are drawn to open relationships, you may feel overwhelmed at first. Unlike monogamy, open relationships have no default set of norms or expectations. Building relationship structure from scratch can offer a rare opportunity to reflect on one’s own needs and desires. Sometimes we are tempted to make demands of our partners out of fear or insecurity. As an alternative to bids for control, we can use boundaries to get on the same page with our partners. This can help create an open relationship built on honesty, respect, trust, and freedom.

Do: ask yourself first how you feel about an open relationship

Before collaborating, devote time and space to sit with your own thoughts and feelings about open relationships. If you are struggling with where to start, reading articles or listening to podcasts about open relationships is a great way to learn more and gain clearer insights into what to expect. Moving away from monogamy often involves unlearning personal beliefs around love, exclusivity, control, and fulfillment in relationships. If we are able to center honesty, respect, and empathy towards ourselves first, we can offer the same to our partners and they are more likely to reciprocate.

Don’t: make demands

So what exactly is a boundary? In relationships, boundaries communicate needs and expectations. Boundaries are more about what is and is not acceptable for you in a relationship, and less about what your partner is and is not allowed to do with other people. Boundaries are requests for collaboration and cooperation, while demands come from a desire to control in an attempt to feel protected and safe. Rules may feel like safety, but they are often simply unrealistic to impose on a partner in an open relationship. We can request a partner make a change or respect a need, but we cannot demand, force, threaten, or manipulate a partner into making us feel safe or respected. If a partner does not respect a boundary, we reserve the right to take action for our own care and safety. 

Read about healthy conflict in relationships

Do: be specific about boundaries of the open relationship

First, identify and define your boundary. Common boundaries in open relationships address safer sex practices or levels of disclosure about other partners. Framing boundaries as hypothetical can be useful in discussing specifics. For example, “if your safer sex barrier breaks with another partner, I would want you to tell me before we have sex again. I would want to use a barrier until we got tested.” This example provides detail and addresses a plan to handle the situation. If possible, encourage your partner to reflect the boundary back so you can clarify any confusion or assumptions.

It may also be helpful to look to established structures of open relationships for options. In hierarchical open relationships, we view our partners as primary, secondary, tertiary, and so on. The difference between the levels may reflect time spent together, shared activities, involvement in networks of family or friends, etc. Some find a hierarchy helpful, while others find it restrictive. Additionally, there is the option to date as a couple or as individuals. You can also explore and establish dynamics between metamours (meaning the partners of your partner).

Don’t: forget to enjoy your open relationship

Open relationships inevitably come with challenges. No relationship, whether it be monogamous or open, is immune from conflict, hurt, disappointment, or betrayal. There are no boundaries in existence that can keep us safe from feeling pain. Establishing boundaries is in service of connection and safety, not control and avoidance. Boundaries should reduce stress and worry, not exacerbate it. Don’t lose sight of what was exciting and hopeful about opening up your relationship in the first place. People in open relationships may even feel compersion – a feeling of joy or pleasure because your partner is happy with another partner. 

Do: plan to revisit your boundaries in the open relationship

Open relationships are dynamic, so it makes sense that you will need to revisit boundaries as the relationships develop and grow. When first opening up a relationship, plan to revisit your initial boundaries after a certain amount of time (2 weeks, 30 days, etc.). Sharing as explicitly as possible, take turns sharing your feelings regarding each boundary. To finish, outline a plan or any adjustments needed moving forward and schedule your next check-in.

When we navigate open relationships with honesty and transparency, it can help us to feel ready and able to truly enjoy the open relationship. When establishing boundaries, check in with yourself before checking in with your partner. Ask yourself and each other what is and is not working. When sharing what isn’t working, make a request for a change or share something you need instead of vocalizing demands or ultimatums. Remember to celebrate what is working and stay connected to your initial desires in opening up. Challenge yourself to research and learn about open relationships before jumping in. Consider couples counseling for support navigating many changes, including open relationships.

Do you need help navigating boundaries in an open relationship? The couples therapists at myTherapyNYC work with open and nonmonogamous relationships. Reach out for a free consultation with us to find out more.

What might you anticipate as the biggest challenge in navigating boundaries? What about the biggest reward? Join the conversation in the comments below!