The American Psychiatric Association characterizes obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as “recurrent intrusive thoughts (obsessions) that prompt the performance of neutralizing rituals (compulsions).” Relationship OCD is a subtype of OCD that is difficult to detect because it resembles worries and concerns that people typically have in romantic relationships. However, there are significant differences between ROCD and typical romantic concerns that are important to be aware of to ensure the wellness of one’s romantic relationship(s) is the best possible. In this blog, I seek to explore what ROCD is, ways that engaging in an obsessions and compulsions cycle only provides temporary relief, healthy ways to treat ROCD, and why it is essential to be kind and patient with yourself when addressing ROCD symptoms.
Check In With Yourself
I want to invite you to slow down, take a deep breath, and check in with yourself. Are you feeling anxious? Do you feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to make sure that the relationship you are in is the right one for you? If you answered yes to these questions, I encourage you to put a pause on reading until you feel more grounded. What are coping skills you can engage in that help you feel calmer?
How Does Relationship OCD Manifest?
Relationship OCD is defined as “doubts and preoccupation centered on the perceived suitability of the relationship itself, including the strength of one’s feelings toward their partner, the ‘rightness’ of the relationship, and the partner’s feelings toward oneself.” At first glance, this definition could resemble worries and concerns that anyone typically has in a relationship. Still, the difference is the presence of obsessions and compulsions regarding doubts and preoccupations.
Obsessions
Some examples of obsessions within ROCD are the following:
- “I don’t have butterflies when I look at my partner. Does this mean something is wrong with my relationship?”
- “That couple we know seems so happy, they must have that in-love feeling and just know they are right for one another. Why don’t I feel this in my relationship?”
- “I can’t get fully aroused when we are intimate. Does this mean we are not sexually compatible?”
- “I don’t find myself missing my partner as much as I did my ex. This must be proof I’m just not that into it.”
Compulsions
Anyone could occasionally have any of these intrusive thoughts, but not everyone can shake them off as random thoughts and redirect their attention elsewhere. Some people engage in rumination, which leads to an overwhelming level of anxiety. Compulsions are internal and external behaviors a person engages in to get rid of the distress caused by obsessive, intrusive thoughts. Some examples of compulsions within ROCD are the following:
- “Checking to see if you are in love enough with your partner”
- “Seeking reassurance from friends and family members about the rightness of your partnership
- “Avoiding spending time with attractive people for fear that you will find them more appealing than your partner.”
- “Checking and comparing your relationship to others or to your past relationships”
- “Searching online to find signs that your partner may or may not be The One.”
The last example above is why I warned you at the start of the blog about checking in with yourself before continuing to read the blog. I wanted to prevent this blog from becoming a potential compulsion. You might ask, why would I not want you to engage in a compulsion if it will lead to relief from the overwhelming anxiety you are feeling? The reason is that it will only be a temporary relief that will fuel an intense, never-ending cycle of obsessions and compulsions.
The Myth of "The One"
To avoid temporary relief and address ROCD symptoms effectively, it is essential to understand how societal norms impact relationship OCD. Philosopher Robert Johnson once stated, “Romantic love is the single greatest energy system in the Western psyche. In our culture, it has supplanted religion as the arena in which [humans] seek meaning, transcendence, wholeness, and ecstasy.” In other words, we expect our romantic partner to be our everything. We expect them to be our lover and best friend. We expect them to keep us forever in a magical place where happiness, excitement, and love are the only possible emotions we can feel.
Take a second to ask yourself, have you been in a platonic relationship with a friend or family member where you have never felt any negative emotions towards said friend or family member? Probably not yet, we fully expect our relationship with a romantic partner to be perfect, which is where the Myth of the One comes from. So, when addressing ROCD, it is essential to reflect on how realistic the expectations you put on your partner are. Also, know that you can have a fulfilling, secure relationship even if it is imperfect. Please be mindful of the fact that the acceptance of imperfection does not include instances of abuse.
Therapeutic Treatment
A therapeutic approach that could help combat the inaccurate anxiety-provoking thoughts fueling ROCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The first step is recognizing thoughts that benefit from healthy reframing and reconstruction. An example is, “If I think someone other than my partner is attractive, that for sure means that I am not in love with my partner.” This is an all-or-nothing way of thinking that puts you in rigid black or white areas instead of letting you embrace the various shades of grey of human connection. Just because you think someone else is attractive does not necessarily mean that your love for your partner is not deep and sincere. This is not too different from the celebrity crushes people sometimes develop, but that doesn’t prevent people from building meaningful romantic relationships filled with love and trust.
Another group of thoughts that could benefit from reframing is catastrophizing thoughts. An example of catastrophic thinking is, “If I do not know right now if my current partner is the person I will be with forever, then I will be so emotionally unwell that I will never be happy again.” Although you are right that there is a chance that you and your partner could break up, even if you both are madly in love with each other, you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for, and even if the unthinkable happens, you will be able to get to a point where you will be okay. Getting comfortable with the unknown could be difficult, but it could be the key to effectively reducing ROCD-related anxiety.
Practice Self-Compassion
The cruel thing about OCD is that it targets the things that we most cherish, such as our relationships. This is why being kind and patient with yourself is so essential if you are experiencing ROCD symptoms. As you work on reconstructing and reframing intrusive thoughts, remember to engage in self-compassion, validate that this is hard work, and rely on calming self-care activities. The reason why addressing ROCD in effective ways is important is because doubting your relationship leads to such an overwhelming level of anxiety that leaves little room for you to actually enjoy your romantic relationship(s), and let’s be honest, the world is horrible enough for you not to fully take in moments of love and joy when they come along in your life.
Interested in exploring your relationship in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
What are some of your top moments of joy and love that you have experienced?
Join the conversation in the comments below!
- What Is Relationship OCD? Understanding the Myth of “The One” - August 14, 2025
- Handling Microaggressions: When You See Something, Say Something - May 29, 2025
2 comments
Thank you for this blog post; I really appreciated learning about ROCD. I really valued the section about the myth of “the one” and how societal messages impact ROCD. I will definitely share this!
Thank you so much!