Communication in relationships is essential to getting your needs met and letting your partner know how you feel. When it’s working well, both partners can feel connected, loving and secure. But when efforts to share feelings or make requests are met with defensiveness or misunderstood, partners can feel unsupported and the relationship can even feel threatened. To reconnect with your partner, there are three listening skills that can help you feel heard and understood.
Imago Relationship Therapy is a type of couples counseling that offers many tools, among them a dialogue for partners to practice active listening skills that deepen connection and help each person feel understood. Listening is key to being there for your partner, and it can be more challenging when you feel a strong desire to react or to defend yourself. To keep the focus on your partner, think about these three skills: mirroring, validating and empathizing.
- Mirroring is reflecting what your partner is saying using their own words. This can be tough because you might initially feel like a parrot repeating words. When you repeat your partner’s words back to them, start off your response with “So I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like you’re saying…” Notice how you might initially be having two conversations going on: the verbal one where you’re practicing mirroring, and the mental one where you’re responding with a defense. If you practice mirroring long enough, the desire to argue lessens over time, especially as you start to notice your partner feeling listened to and understood.
- Validating means you’re telling your partner that what she or he is saying is understandable from their point of view. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but if you’re doing it genuinely you’re conveying that you can see their point. This can sound like “That makes sense because…” or “I can see how you might think or feel…” If you’re having trouble understanding your partner’s perspective, it’s also helpful to ask for more information, like “Can you tell me more about…” in a way that’s inviting, instead of “I don’t understand what you mean”.
- Empathizing can mean different things, but with a partner it means really trying to get to what emotions or feelings they’re experiencing. It’s going deeper than the cognitive or thinking part of an opinion. Using a phrase like, “It sounds like you were feeling really upset when….” Or “I can imagine you felt hurt…” You don’t have to feel the feeling in the moment yourself, and it can make a huge different to your partner that you’re making the effort to really get them and how they feel matters to you.
I used to train hotline counselors in how to use these skills with callers, and it can take some practice to feel like you’re making them your own. During difficult discussions they can help maintain a needed, safe connection and give your partner the experience they you understand and want to how how they feel. The added bonus? When your partner practices the same listening skills to return the favor to you!
- 3 Skills for Validating Your Partner’s Feelings - July 6, 2015
- How Trauma Gets Passed Along - March 31, 2015
- Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Work! - January 13, 2015
