Sex and Anxiety: Tips for Overcoming Performance Anxiety [Video]

Sex and Anxiety: Tips for Overcoming Performance Anxiety [Transcript]

Sex and anxiety can be a challenge in any relationship. Great sex has a few key components: feeling connected to yourself and to your partner, feeling embodied in your own body, and feeling present, both mentally and physically. Anxiety can really interrupt that connection with your partner, with yourself, and with your own body. It can cause us to detach and withdraw, or even shut down in the middle of having sex. If what I’m describing to you sounds familiar, then you’re in the right place. I’m hoping today we can go through some tips for what to do when anxiety pops up and how to navigate it, both before and in the middle of having sex. 

Do Your Homework

My first tip for navigating anxiety and sex might be a little surprising. It’s “Do Your Homework.” You might not think that homework, sex, and anxiety go together, but they totally do. Sex can be layered, and sex can be complicated. We can feel so much shame, which can make it really challenging to have sex, to talk about sex, and even just to think about sex. 

To help overcome this, why not use a handy worksheet about sexual contexts Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are”? Have you ever reflected on your sex life, both positive and negative experiences? Have you ever thought about sex and your mental or physical wellbeing? How about in the context of partner characteristics, relationship characteristics, settings, life circumstances, and the specific sexual activities you engage in? Well, this worksheet will help you reflect on all of those domains. 

And don’t underestimate the power of clarity. Reflecting on your experiences using a worksheet like this can help to bring clarity of your own tastes, preferences, limits, and needs. You can even complete the worksheet on your phone. Do not hesitate to just whip it out at your next date or sexual encounter and use it as a reference point. It will likely be less awkward than you think, and it will probably be super helpful. 

Read more about sex positivity.

“Break in Case of Emergency”

My next set of tips on how to navigate sex and anxiety are all “break in case of emergency” tips. These are things to do in the moment when you’re having sex and you notice your anxiety, but you don’t know what to do. 

Become Curious and Familiar with Your Anxiety

My first tip is to become really curious and familiar with what your anxiety feels like so you can notice when it arrives. Sometimes, with anxiety, you can feel removed, numb, or detached. You can feel tension or stress held in our body, maybe in our neck, chest, or stomach. Your thoughts may be racing, or you may be lost in them.   You may notice that you’re focusing on what you think might happen next and are completely detached from what is happening right now in the moment. 

Take a Pause

If you notice any of that happening, you should try to just take a pause. This is where the safe-word or the stoplight method could be helpful. You could also try something as simple as saying, “Hey, I need a minute.” If something verbal feels inaccessible in that moment, you could try tapping your partner. You could tap them on the shoulder, or even give them a gentle tap on the forehead to get their attention. Another nonverbal option could be to cough “in case of emergency” if you’re finding words are difficult. You could even hold up a finger to indicate that you need a break. 

Breathe

The most important thing to do when you need to take a pause is to simply breathe. Try to focus your attention on your breath. It’s okay if you’re distracted or your thoughts are racing. Simply refocus to your breathing. Tune into the simplicity of breathing in and breathing out. Anytime that you do this, you bring awareness to your body and become more present in it. Maybe anxiety has you totally dominated by your racing thoughts. Breathing is going to redistribute that focus, bringing you more into your body and the present moment. 

Hopefully, taking a moment to breathe gives you a chance to figure out, “What do I need in this moment?” Maybe you need to stop or maybe a pause gave you that chance to recalibrate. Get your head above your anxious thoughts and feelings and come back to the moment. Getting back into it with your partner is less awkward than you might think and can be simple and straightforward. Maybe earlier in your sexual activity, you and your partner were doing something that felt really good. Try simply saying, “I really loved what you were doing before. Maybe we could do a little rewind and return to that moment. How do you feel about that?” 

Now, if you focus on your breathing, you may connect with feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or afraid.  You may feel triggered, out of control, or out of your body. If any of this is the case, then it’s time to stop. And that is totally okay.  @ConsentComesFirst has some really great suggestions for this on “Five Things to Do When Triggered During Sex.” These phrases are really straightforward and helpful. 

Practice

This brings us to the third official tip, which is “practice.” Practice in front of the mirror. Practice your safe word, even if it’s just repeating that word to yourself until you feel confident in saying it. And if you know that you’re going to need some of these phrases handy, why not practice them with yourself or a friend? Your friend may benefit from the practice too. 

Read more about communicating about sex.

Hopefully, you’re walking away from this with some tools in your toolbox to help you navigate sex and anxiety. And of course, remember, you can totally do this. I believe in you!