Marriage is perhaps one of the most difficult unions to enter into because you know that you only have half of the control. As a couples therapist, I often hear in my sessions, “I married you, that should show you that I want to be with you.” I have found in my work that this mentality can be difficult to shift as it is a sign that there has been some form of “giving up.” Marriage is amazing, complex, and sometimes disappointing. However, if we break it down to the basics, you will have the secrets to a happy marriage at your fingertips.
Read more: Starting Couple Counseling? 4 Things to Ask First
Friendship
Take a second and think about your best friend. They are probably someone that you would do anything for. Sure, sometimes they get under your skin but, more often than not, you give them the benefit of the doubt. This key ingredient of friendship is one of the secrets to a good marriage, according to Dr. Gottman in Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This friendship allows you to know your partner on the most intimate level. Understanding their likes, dislikes, dreams, and personality quirks provides the platform to create a buffer of fondness that will help keep the foundation of your relationship solid.
This may sound great in theory, but what does it look like in real life? Dr. Gottman explains that this fondness is not built from the grand gestures of romance depicted in the movies. Instead, it comes from the seemingly small everyday things that couples tend to overlook. For example, say your spouse really enjoys raspberries, but you could happily live the rest of your life without having another raspberry. When you are at the grocery store together, you grab a package of raspberries without a second thought, just because you know that it is something that your spouse would enjoy. This small gesture will help build that fondness your spouse has for you because you are engaging in something you know will make them happy even if it is something not important to you. Another example is engaging with your partner’s friends, even if you do not particularly care for them, because you know that they are important to your partner.
Positive Sentiment Override
Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) is built through this idea of friendship. When PSO is present, the positive thoughts you have about your partner will exceed any negative thoughts you would have had about your partner’s intentions, even when you are arguing or fighting.
Negative Sentiment Override
Alternatively, as you may have expected, Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) is when you habitually perceive your partner’s actions in a negative light. This occurs when you think they did something “on purpose” or to intentionally hurt you, even when that was not their intention at all.
What does this look like?
To put a visual to the concept, imagine you and your partner are getting ready to go on a vacation that you both are excited about. You look in the closet and find that the suitcases that are usually there are nowhere to be seen. You ask your partner “have you seen the sutitcases?” To this, your partner responds in that tone, “I have no idea where you put them.” With PSO, you may attribute your partner’s tone to the stress of preparing for the trip and not take it personally. With NSO, on the other hand, you would have difficulty interpreting their tone as anything other than them snapping at you.
Repair Attempts
When all else fails, attempting to repair is a vital first step to bringing your relationship back to PSO. Dr. Gottman describes a repair attempt as a statement or action utilized to defuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating. He states that the success of a repair attempt is indicative of whether a relationship is likely to “flourish or flounder.” For example, in the heat of a disagreement, making your partner laugh with an inside joke can significantly decrease the tension. This can then allow you and your partner to focus on the heart of the topic.
Read more: The Value of Relationship Conflict
The second important factor to repair attempts is understanding how your partner receives love. Whether this means providing flowers, cooking dinner, or simply cutting out more time for physical affection, understanding your partner’s love language is important.
The third factor to a successful repair attempt is having your partner recognize and accept the olive branch that you extend.
The way to that successful marriage
Couples that have difficulty within their relationship often find themselves in a complacent space of “just getting along.” These couples have lost their respect, as well as fondness and admiration for each other. It is important to bring yourselves back to a deep sense of meaning and core friendship. Keep in mind that when you disagree over seemingly smaller issues – such as whose turn it is to wash the dishes – and it feels that the disagreement has escalated quickly, chances are it has nothing to do with the dishes. This could be a good time to evaluate a couple of things: How do you view your friendship with your partner? How would you rate your PSO? Do you feel you have successful repair attempts?
Marriage can be challenging. Sometimes the best thing to do is bring it back to the basics.
What do you feel are important aspects of friendship that help keep the flame of a romantic relationship alive?
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8 comments
Great blog! So many great examples of day to day ways to make a marriage stronger. Marriage is constant work but can also be one of the most rewarding and special relationships we have in life.
This blog does a great job of bringing to light simple yet powerful tips to help a romantic partnership stay strong even through challenging times. I think this is important for everyone in a romantic relationship to read. Great job!
This blog lays out some great concepts for maintaining long-term romantic relationships! I particularly like your discussion of repair attempts; it is not so much that disagreements or conflicts cannot happen in a good relationship, but more about what happens after the conflict to bring the people back together. Along the lines of using friendship as a foundation, I also think it is important to find ways to be playful and have fun with romantic partners. Thanks for writing this, Alea!
This is a great post about marriage and other long term relationships! Considering whether you tend toward positive (or negative) sentiment override with your partner is an important thing to be aware of and reminds you that there is more than one way to view a problem or conflict in a relationship. I also know what a relief it is when your partner gives you the benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming ill intent on your part. I would also add that designating nights for dates is a great way to keep the flame alive. Thanks for contributing this post!
Great blog, Area! I particularly like your discussion of PSO and NSO. It’s such a useful frame to help us think about how we are perceiving our partners’ responses to us. This can be such a helpful way to positively re-frame what might be feeling like a negative response.
Great blog! This is so helpful, as many people question if there is a secret to a happy marriage. I think you offered excellent ways to a successful and healthy marriage. My take away is that it takes work, time and commitment to have a healthy marriage. Personally, I think being present with your partner during great and challenging moments sets the stage for a healthy marriage. Thanks for writing this, Alea!
Alea, this is wonderful. I especially love the explanation of repair attempts. This approach can be so helpful in diffusing conflict and helping individuals in a couple move past their defenses and towards healing. Thanks for sharing!
Alea this is an amazing blog! I really love your explanation about building a friendship with your partner and how it could strengthen your relationship with your partner.