We are continually redefining what relationships can look like. Considering this, you may have questions about what defines an “open relationship.” From non-monogamy to polyamorous relationships, couples are free to make up their own structures. When opening up a relationship for the first time, there may be confusion that arises in your relationship. There is no single way to open a relationship. As a result, there can be some bumps along the way to figuring out what works best for both you and your partner. Below are some common missteps to look out for when opening up your relationship.
Lack of communication
Talking about opening the relationship is the first important task. Anytime the dynamic changes between partners, communication can alleviate stress and assumptions. It can also increase intimacy and connection. Without honesty, opening up a relationship could turn out to be a tall mountain to climb. And it may actually lead to more loneliness within your relationship. Exploring boundaries together with your partner will provide a safe nest for you two to explore outside connections.
Sometimes we may hold back our true feelings in order to allow our partner to have what they want. This can lead to resentment and a potential riff in the relationship. It can add distance between you and your partner, rather than bringing you closer together. This can be avoided by putting in the effort to create a dynamic that works for both of you. Confrontation can be challenging. Yet, it is paramount for your own well-being and the future of the relationship to speak up if something does not sit right with you.
Keep communicating
Once you and your partner have decided on mutually agreed upon expectations, continue to check in. This can help you to avoid open relationship problems. Words, ideas, and fantasies may sound comfortable prior to acting on them. However, our emotions may change while we begin to explore outside of our primary partnership. It is okay if something you agreed to does not feel right in practice. The contract between you and your partner is not signed in ink. Changes can be made to accommodate the nuances of your own experiences.
Preconceived assumptions
This digital age allows us to more easily see parts of others’ relationships. This, along with more acceptance around different relationship structures, can make it challenging to separate our own relationships and not compare them to others’. What may seem successful in someone’s open relationship, may not work for you and your partner. Inversely, others’ struggles may not impact you or your partner. When embarking on new experiences, it is common to desire a road map to look toward the future for guidance and steps. While this can be helpful, you and your partner have your own unique experiences and circumstances that will influence where you two journey together.
When we lead with preconceived assumptions, we are not living in the here and now. Remember, your open relationship is fully customizable. You and your partner can create the road map together. Additional assumptions to avoid are those toward your partner. A common question my clients ask themselves when thinking about opening up their relationship is how to navigate jealousy. Jealousy does not have to be feared. If it comes up, it can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself or your relationship. Remember, our partners are not mind readers. Unless something is explicitly shared, they likely will be left in the dark. If you notice jealousy creeping in, this is a wonderful opportunity to ask yourself what you may not be receiving from your partner or from others.
Read more about navigating open relationships
Thinking opening up a relationship will fix your problems
A common open relationship mistake is hoping this change will improve the dynamic between you and your partner. If you are moving from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship and there are issues beyond sex, seeing other people is not the solution. This distraction may be relieving in the near future. However, these other issues will likely persist, if not increase. Open relationships need trust to thrive. If that foundation is not solid, adding more people to the equation may create more friction within your relationship.
Open relationship problems can often stem from these misconceptions. Rushing into an open relationship without properly establishing boundaries is a red flag. Hoping that this change is the answer you were looking for is another warning sign. One way to avoid this is by starting slow. Take your time exploring and playing outside the relationship. Meanwhile, still make time for your partner to work on any other issues that may exist. Decide together what these small steps are. You may decide together that online flirting as a first step. Another could be meeting others in person without jumping right into sex. There is no one right answer. Seeing a couple’s therapist with your partner could be an option to consider in order to avoid missteps along the way.
Not adapting to the change
When entering this new phase in your relationship, remember that your relationship will be different. This change could bring about new fulfillment and satisfaction, both individually and for your partner. If your expectations do not shift with this new chapter, you may find yourself stuck on what was instead of what is. There may even be a moment of grief for leaving behind your monogamous relationship. If there is, see if you can discuss this with your partner. We can make room for the excitement and thrill of something new, while also acknowledging sadness or fear of taking this leap. You do not have to be alone in this.
You may also find that you or your partner change when opening up your relationship. Give your partner the permission to reexamine their relationship to their body, their sexuality, and their whole self. In return, hopefully your partner will gift you with that same respect. When we live in the past or future, it is difficult to check-in with ourselves and others. Not living in the present leads to anxiety and often a disconnection from our bodies. Slow down. Breathe. Set time aside to journal or reflect on what you are experiencing at that moment.
Read more about starting an open relationship
When we lead with intention and openness, we can strive to avoid open relationship problems. However, the human experience is enriched by our flaws. It is common to fall down and have open relationship mistakes. What matters most is how you communicate throughout this transition and lean into the change. You may find a more satisfying sex life, or meaningful connections that do not compete with your relationship. Try to leave comparisons aside. Your relationship is only yours.
Are you navigating a change in your relationship? Couples therapy can help you to build the skills to communicate effectively.
What lessons have you learned through opening up your relationship? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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1 comment
This was such an insightful piece on the complexities that are open/ polyamorous relationships. Each talking point Jon touched on is a must for every couple to address before taking the plunge into non-monogamy. As someone who has been in a non-monogamous relationship for years, I wish I had had this article before my partner and I began on that journey. It would have saved us many exhausting conversations! Thank you for taking the shame out of wanting to be in a non-monogamous relationship and bringing to light the fulfilling and exciting elements this path can lead to!