How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship

Deciding to end an abusive relationship takes a lot of strength and courage. The most important part of leaving an abusive partner is knowing how to keep yourself safe. Many people find themselves stuck in abusive relationships for years due to how difficult or even dangerous it can be to leave. Many factors, such as finances or shared children, can further complicate the process. Here are some tips for how to leave an abusive relationship safely. 

Making the Decision to Leave 

One of the hardest parts of this process is recognizing that you’re in an abusive relationship and deciding to leave. You may experience a lot of ambivalence at first. Abusive partners can be manipulative, and tactics like love bombing are a way to maintain control. Even in an abusive relationship, there will still be good moments that convince you to stick it out. 

Read more about the early signs of an abusive relationship. 

In order to commit to the decision, make a list of all the reasons why you need to leave. Some examples can be, “I don’t feel safe around my partner,” or “My partner says hurtful things about me.” You’ll probably refer back to this list several times. If your partner invades your privacy and you’re worried about them finding the list, keep it with someone you trust, like a close friend or your therapist. 

Another way to stick to your decision is to envision the life you’ll live after leaving. What are the things you’ll finally be able to do? How will it feel to have freedom and safety? How will you feel about yourself knowing that you made this brave decision? Also, be sure to welcome any emotions that come up around the idea of ending the relationship. With the relief may also come some grief or fears of being alone. You don’t have to ignore those feelings. If you’re able to acknowledge them and move through them, they won’t have as much power over you when you’re ready to leave. 

Building Your Support Network 

Social isolation is very common in abusive relationships. Having a strong support system behind you can help you feel empowered and protected. If there are safety concerns, the more people who know the better. It might feel scary to open up about the abuse, but being able to talk about it will also help with confronting it. Be honest about how long the abuse has been going on, the nature of the abuse, and the level of risk to your safety. If you don’t have the support of family or friends, you can utilize community resources such as domestic violence organizations or an individual therapist. 

Read more about helping a friend in an abusive relationship.

When reaching out for support via phone or the internet, remember to keep your safety in mind. Some abusive partners may monitor computer and cell phone use, and even use GPS trackers to monitor their partner’s location at all times. Since browsing history can never be fully deleted from a computer, you should use computers at your local library, internet cafe, shelter, or workplace when researching support resources. When sending emails, open an account your partner doesn’t know about. Consider purchasing a pay-as-you-go phone and keep it in a safe place for private calls. Use a password and update it regularly. 

How to Leave An Abusive Relationship

Oftentimes, there is a triggering event that motivates a person to leave their abusive relationship. This could be a physical episode or a fear of severe harm. Before this happens, it is important to already have a plan in place. A safety plan is a set of actions that can help lower your risk of being hurt by your partner. Safety plans should be personalized to your specific situation, as factors like shared children or financial dependence can further complicate the process.

Start by identifying any safety concerns and communicating them to one of your supports (e.g., your therapist). If there are legalities involved, such as shared children or immigration status, meet with a lawyer and discuss your options. Domestic Violence organizations like Safe Horizons can connect you with accessible legal support. Set a date and time for when you plan to leave, and utilize emergency housing resources if needed. There are several safety planning guides online that can guide you through the process step by step. Again, be sure to use a safe computer when accessing resources like this. 

Focus on Healing 

Leaving the abusive relationship is only the first step of your journey towards healing. It will take time to grieve the relationship and build back your independence. Your partner may try to win you back with apologies and promises to change. Remember that unless your partner makes a personal effort to seek counseling for their abusive behavior, the cycle will just continue. Spend some quiet time with yourself or utilize therapy to reflect on relationship patterns and how they may relate to past experiences. Practice self-compassion and build your self-worth in order to recognize the love you deserve. 

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, remember that support is available to you. Refer back to this blog whenever you feel ready to take the first step. Forgive yourself if you can’t leave the first time. It is very common to go back to abusive partners. For many people, it takes several tries before leaving for good. The most important thing is making sure that your safety and well-being are prioritized in the process.