So your kid came out as LGBTQ. Now what? Having your kid come out as LGBTQ might be an unexpected moment as a parent, and it can bring up an array of feelings ranging from excitement to distress. Whatever your feelings may be, you are likely wondering how to support your LGBTQ child. The way you respond both in the moment and in an ongoing way are important. This can have a profound impact on your child’s mental health as well as your relationship with them. Whatever feelings do come up for you, it’s healthy to give yourself the space to process them. In fact, that is also a gift to your child, so the focus on your relationship with your child can be on supporting them.
There is a plethora of information and resources out there for parents of LGBTQ-identifying kids. These resources can support you on your journey of becoming an ally to your LGBTQ child. In this blog, I’ll review some of these. This blog is specifically about how to support your LGBTQ kid after they chose to come out to you. How to navigate the situation if someone outed your child or if you suspect your child is LGBTQ but has not come out to you is a topic for another blog.
Express unconditional love and acceptance
Regardless of how openly supportive of the LGBTQ community you have been, it is possible (even probable) that your kid had to muster at least a little (and potentially an incredible amount) of courage to come out to you. You also could have said something in the past that you child could have interpreted as not supportive, even if you were unaware of it. Arguably the most important words for your child to hear after coming out are, “I love you unconditionally.” By sharing this part of their identity with you, your child is letting you in. This is a sign of trust.
Regardless of your personal views around the LGBTQ community, we live in a society steeped in homophobia and transphobia. Therefore, your child inevitably has absorbed significant messages telling them that it is not always safe to come out. Being honest about their LGBTQ identity is a gift they are offering you. One wonderful way to acknowledge this is to thank them for sharing it with you. By both reminding your child of your unconditional love and acknowledging the courage it might have taken to share it, you are centering their experience. This is one important ingredient of allyship.
Read more about how to live joyfully after coming out
Seek your own support
The old adage that you can’t take care of others if you’re not taking first care of yourself applies here. I encourage parents whose kids come out as LGBTQ to get their own support. For parents who see themselves as already supportive of the LGBTQ community, acknowledging they could benefit from support could be a challenge. It might feel like an admission that they’re not as open-minded as they thought. Or it could feel like they are actually secretly homophobic or transphobic. I want to bust this myth: seeking support when your kid comes out does not imply you are homophobic or transphobic. In fact, it is actually an act of deep respect and love for your child to get support. It means you are investing time and energy into your relationship with your child.
You might consider seeking individual therapy as a space to process your feelings. Even if you are overwhelmingly supportive of your child’s identity, having a space to express any fears of concerns you have can help alleviate some pressure and help you to manage these fears. Even if you feel positively about your child coming out, it can still be an adjustment. This news still might represent a change in how you imagine your child’s future. All change requires some time and space to process.
In addition to seeking individual therapy, you might consider joining a support group with other parents of LGBTQ kids. These spaces can be very affirming as well as educational. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be very powerful. One benefit is the opportunity to hear other parents share about their own journeys with having their kids come out as LGBTQ. This can inspire and offer role models for parents earlier on in their own journeys. PFLAG is a wonderful resource on this front.
In addition to providing a space for support, you can offer support to other parents, helping them become allies to their kids. Such communities can provide opportunities for advocacy and organizing as well. For example, PFLAG often organizes a contingent in Pride marches, a wonderful way to express allyship.
Educate yourself
While your child surely might be a wealth of knowledge and information about many things LGBTQ, it’s not their job to educate you. There are plentiful resources out there, so consider it your responsibility to get the information you need. We all have limits to our own knowledge and we all make mistakes. That’s okay! If you use an outdated term or misgender someone, it is not the end of the world. It’s an opportunity to acknowledge you made a mistake, correct it, and keep it moving. Your LGBTQ kid might enjoy sharing some information or knowledge about the LGBTQ community. This could certainly be a meaningful way to connect with them. However they are not obligated to do so.
Read more about understanding gender identity
Use your voice to support your LGBTQ child
The tips above focus on your individual support and cultivating the relationship with your LGBTQ kid. Additionally, you also can use your voice to be an ally to the larger LGBTQ community. Here are a few ways you might do that:
- Participate in Pride marches
- Advocate for more LGBTQ-affirmative policies in your child’s school
- Organize bringing in an LGBTQ-affirmative training to your workplace
- Hang signs indicating LGBTQ allyship in your windows and cars
- Contact your representatives to oppose homophobic and transphobic laws and policies.
This is a good opportunity to check in with your child, as their feelings about your advocacy matter. If your voice is louder than theirs regarding LGBTQ advocacy, they might not feel comfortable with it.
Becoming an ally to your LGBTQ kid is a journey and can be a meaningful way to deepen your connection with your child. I hope that this blog offers some useful tips on how to cultivate your allyship.
Are you in need of support as you learn how to be a good parent to your LGBTQ child? One of the best things you can do is to work with a LGBTQ-affirmative therapist so you can focus on offering the best support to your child.
What are some other ways you could support your LGBTQ kid when they come out? Join the conversation in the comments below!
- How to Support Your LGBTQ Child: A Parent’s Guide to Becoming an Ally - June 17, 2021
- What Can I Expect from Gestalt Therapy? - January 21, 2021
- 4 Benefits of Virtual Therapy - October 8, 2020
3 comments
Pamela, this is a wonderful blog post and I have shared it with a friend who has recently reached out to me for just such a resource. Thank you so much for writing it.
I really appreciate this blog post and recommend it to all my clients that have an LGBTQ child. I really love how you touched on the importance of expressing unconditional love and acceptance as this is vital to all child development. Something else I really loved was in the last paragraph, you said to check in with your child about their feelings with your advocacy. This is so important! Thanks Pamela 🙂
Hi,
I thought I would mention that it looks like the word “themself” is spelled incorrectly on your website. I’ve seen some tools to help with problems like this such as SpellAlert.com or WebsiteChecker.com. I just thought you should know!
-Fred