Living Authentically in the LGBTQ Community:
How to Move Past “Gay Shame” [Transcript]
For some people, gay shame may seem like a term for only queer, cisgender men. However, gay shame can refer to any feelings of inferiority due to your sexuality/gender identity.
So what is shame? Often, we can confuse shame with guilt. Boiled down to the most basic distinction, guilt feels like I did something bad. Shame feels like I am bad. We can make mistakes and still feel like we’re a good person. Shame, however, feels like a negative evaluation of our self worth. Internalized shame is correlated to higher levels of depression, anxiety, suicidality and substance abuse. This can further limit the ability to live to the fullest. Although shame can be overwhelming at times, it is normal to experience shame. It actually uncovers our empathy and ability to connect with others, which is a sign of strength.
Learn more about the difference between guilt and shame
The impact of cisnormativity and heteronormativity
As a member of the LGBTQ community, we are raised in a society where the baseline is cisnormativity and heteronormativity. We have gender reveal parties for unborn babies, where the only option is boy or girl. I can imagine this may be uncomfortable for someone who is gender nonconforming to be present at an event that celebrates a very binary, and limiting view of gender. Similarly, once a baby grows up, we begin asking young children if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. We assume that they are attracted to the opposite sex. Everyone discoveries their identities at different ages. However, questions like these can create doubt and worry. We fear that we are different than what adults expect us to be, eliciting that dreaded “should.”
Depending on where we call home, LGBTQ individuals may be in a constant game of hide and seek. You may hide from potential judgement, danger, or threat, while also seeking safety, community and acceptance for your authentic self. Even though queer culture is more mainstream and accepted today, the uncertainty may still exist when entering new situations, when meeting new people, or even walking down the street. Can I wear this outfit unabashedly? Can I express my gender any way I choose to? Having to scan your surroundings to assess safety can increase anxiety and limit the ability to live authentically.
Watch a free webinar on how to live authentically by overcoming gay shame
Breaking the cycle of gay shame in the LGBTQ community
So how do we break the cycle of shame in the LGBTQ community? Although a process, it starts with unlearning the hurt and pain from incidents from the past. As children, if certain mannerisms, wardrobe choices or expressions of gender were criticized, this fear of judgement may limit individuals from fully being themselves. For too long, gender and sexuality have placed people into boxes and binaries. This has limited the possibilities for some to realize their truth. This history of being told “no, that’s not for you” when a boy plays with dolls, or when a young girl wants a shorter haircut can impact us greatly.
Hearing “no” repeatedly for things that align with our inner selves, the person only we can know, can become ingrained inside us. This makes us believe these parts are unacceptable and unlovable. It can be exhausting trying to live for other people’s comfort. For example, many are raised in a religious households that hold beliefs like “gay people are unnatural or will go to hell.” This may be more challenging to see yourself as valid. Bullying, harassment, or invalidation of ones’ identity can also be difficult to erase or repair. However, these external moments do not define you. Your light, your individuality, your inherent worth cannot be defined by anyone but yourself.
Read more about how gay men compensate for gay shame
Developing a sense of LGBTQ empowerment
Finding the freedom and LGBTQ empowerment to be the true you may not be a linear journey. You may have to ask yourself some difficult questions: Do you love yourself? Are you afraid of rejection? Are you proud of who you are? Moving past gay shame is an act of bravery and resilience. It is recognizing all that you have overcome, and to look in the mirror and say: I’m still standing despite those doubts or fears. Once you move past self-criticism, and begin to devalue others’ opinions that may contrast with your own vision of yourself, you can start the process of living authentically and embracing more self-compassion. When shame is recognized and confronted from its origin, you may find relief in diminishing its power, which can hold you back from your truth.
Brené Brown states that shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgement. Merely acknowledging the shame that exists is the first step to overcoming it. Recognizing the core emotions that arise when we feel ashamed can alleviate its power, whether it is anger or fear or sadness. You are who you are supposed to be, and nothing anyone says or does can erase that. Surrounding yourself with people, a chosen family, who lift you up and accept you for who you are and want to be can empower you to let go of shame.
Therapy may be an option for you if you would like support in overcoming gay shame and having a safe space to discover your authentic self. Learn more about our LGBTQ-affirmative therapy services and book a free consultation now!
How do you practice living authentically in the LGBTQ community?
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6 comments
Jonathan, I LOVE this blog and will be sharing it everywhere. Thank you for sharing this incredibly important information with us.
Thank you so much for sharing information on this topic Jonathan! You touched on such important topics and I am so glad that I was able to view this video blog and learn from you!
Thanks for the information.
The animated elements on this page make the article *very* difficult to read!
Shame is very hard to overcome, especially if you grew up in a more conservative background. Being unable to escape a conservative environment that reinforces shame, can be absolutely crushing.
Hfsu
I hate what I am. I want to be like everybody else, not some worthless, defective, sad excuse for a human. I will never find love because how can I find it if I hate myself?