A few years ago I first saw a client who was extremely frustrated and sad because he was having trouble finding a quality guy. I’ll call him Harold. Harold wanted so badly to be in a committed relationship. Whenever he went out he would think, “Tonight is the night I will meet my soulmate.” So, while out with friends he would continuously scan the crowd to be sure he was not missing an opportunity to make “Hey, I’m interested” eye contact with any man he found somewhat attractive. When he was not out, Harold would often sulk at home because he did not have anyone with whom he could curl up on the couch and make fun of the Housewives.
When Harold would meet a potential partner, his overwhelming desire to be in a relationship would often result in his ignoring a lot of the things he didn’t actually like about the person. When these red flags would come up, Harold would quiet them down by telling himself, “It’s better than being alone.” He would end up in relationships that were neither fulfilling nor healthy, and quickly find himself single again.
I liken this behavior to grocery shopping while hungry–never a good idea. We wind up with things we do not need, we do not really like, and which may not be good for us, wasting both time and money.
Although Harold did not like to hear it, he needed to learn to be comfortable being single in order to actually stop being single. Ending his desperation would allow Harold time to find his composure and begin to be more discerning when deciding on what type of guy was truly a potential match.
In order for Harold to begin to accept being single, I worked with him to increase his understanding that there was nothing wrong with being single. Through some repeated talk, mostly internally (self-talk), Harold was able to begin to believe the following:
- Single is my current status and there is nothing wrong with this.
- I am better off enjoying the moment and my time with friends than constantly patrolling for guys.
- Being desperate will only cloud my judgment and get me into bad relationships.
It took Harold some time to truly embrace these sentiments but when he did he expressed feeling better about himself and how he was spending his time. His new perspective and confidence led him to finally meet the quality guy he was looking for and he is now in a very satisfying and healthy relationship.
- The First Step to Entering a Healthy Gay Relationship - February 11, 2014
