Sex. The word itself can generate any number of responses within us when our eyes glance upon it. Take a moment to notice what comes up for you. Every human being has their own unique sexual desires and ways they express them. This blog explores the meaning of sex. It is an invitation to slow down and reflect on your experiences around sex without shame. This blog will give space and connect to, without judgment or outside influences, your sexual desires and what sex means to you, from a sex-positive lens.
“Without the heart, there can be no understanding between the hand and the mind” – Express Yourself Video by Madonna
What is Sex?
What is the definition of sex? First, I will note that this blog approaches sex from a sex-positive lens. A sex-positive lens can help us disentangle any sources of sexual shame or discomfort we may have learned from the past. Thus, it gives us an open, non-judgmental space to fully explore our sexual thoughts and desires with curiosity and clarity. It is an opportunity to embrace sex without shame. Also, a sex-positive approach is mindful of persons who might have experienced sexual trauma in the past. This trauma can make it difficult to discuss sex and create anxiety and fear in sexual situations, real or imagined. It is through this lens, and with mindfulness and compassion, that this blog will explore the definition of sex.
Everyone’s definition of sex is different and no one person’s definition is right or wrong. It may be a part of a relationship, or it might not. It may involve the genitals and/or an orgasm, or it might not. At its core, sex is the physical expression of our sexual desires with another person or persons. It is an intimate and vulnerable act that may provide a unique connection for consensual partner(s).
Sex and Emotions
As an AEDP therapist, I’ve learned that sexual excitement is one of our core emotions. Like our other core emotions (fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement), sexual excitement has physical sensations within our bodies. Therefore, it is important to understand and get to know how this core emotion shows up in our bodies. To do that, we may also have to identify, without judgment, our core beliefs about sex, their origins, as well as any shame or anxiety that arises with sexual excitement. A person who has suffered sexual trauma may find it difficult to attune to their bodies. Working with a therapist can assist and support a person in feeling safe to do this work.
Cultural, Religious, and Societal Messages Around Sex
What is the point of sex? Throughout human history, people have defined sex from a narrow moral lens while actively regulating and oppressing others’ behavior. Traditionally, faith communities have restricted sex to an act within a marriage between a man and a woman with the goal of procreation. These faith communities have used this narrow moral lens to weaponize sex, particularly against those who identify with the LGBTQ+ community and against persons who identify as female. Not being sex-positive, while using religious texts to justify this oppression, has dominated and permeated our lives and impacted our individual sexual development. It is no wonder that many of us grow up with anxiety and shame around sex if the message we receive is that there is only this one “right way” to engage in sex! If our core sexual desires conflict with this particular definition and we do not want to be shamed, abandoned, or punished by our peer group, then we learn to suppress this part of ourselves.
The messages we receive from our current culture may also have an impact on our beliefs around sex and ourselves. American culture, particularly through advertising and media, has emphasized and glorified the “perfect” appearance. As a result, many of us learn that to be attractive to others, we must have the “perfect” body. From a young age, we evaluate and compare ourselves to this image of the ideal body. As a result, it leads to dissatisfaction with our bodies and disconnection from ourselves. Just like the religious messages around sex above, we may internalize shame and anxiety around our bodies which may prevent us from exploring and developing our core, healthy sexual desires.
Sex Without Shame
As discussed above, these messages around sex have a direct impact on our feelings about sex. Besides anxiety, shame is often accompanied by our sexual thoughts and desires as a result of growing up and living with these messages. These messages may rob us of shaping and developing our ethics and decisions around sex for ourselves. Once we figure out what our core beliefs about sex are and where they came from, then we can figure out if we have internalized any shame.
For example, those of us in the LGBTQ+ community may have had to develop elaborate rules or strategies whenever our sexual thoughts or desires popped up. We may have an internal voice or critic within us that tells us we are bad and/or the desires we possess are wrong. This internal voice is usually a voice that shames and suppresses our sexual thoughts and desires and disrupts our connection to ourselves. This voice may even be familiar, not your own, but of a person in your past! A colleague of mine once asked, “Why are we giving that person free space in our head?” Therefore, it is important to recognize that this voice may have served us at one point in our lives, to keep us from being punished or “outed” by our peers or family. However, this internal voice may not serve us or need to protect us anymore. With love and compassion towards ourselves, and perhaps with the help of a sex-positive therapist, we can move past the shame and be free to be curious about our sexual thoughts, needs, and desires.
Sex and Connection
After we have identified and worked through the shame around sex, we feel clear and perhaps even confident in connecting to this important and healthy part of ourselves, and if needed, to others. The point is that we feel empowered to make safe, healthy choices around sex without shame, anxiety, or guilt. If a sexual thought or desire pops up, we can recognize it and then decide if we need to act upon it or not. Perhaps that will mean we can plan to be with another consenting adult or adults, or engage in self pleasure. For those in relationships, it may also lead to safe, healthy conversations around sex.
To conclude, take a moment to ask yourself what sex means to you, and be open and curious about whatever comes up for you after you ask yourself that question. Notice if any shame or anxiety comes up, and be patient and kind to yourself if it does.
Overall, what did you get out of reading this blog? Can you relate to any of the messages or beliefs in your education about sex, or is your experience different? Join the conversation below!
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- Embracing Sex Without Shame - March 7, 2024
- What Counts as Trauma? - July 13, 2023
