Getting to Know Your Red Flags While Dating

“Red flag” has become a word that is commonly used in the dating world. There are red flags, green flags and yellow flags, but how do you really know what a red flag is? More importantly, what do you do when you encounter one? This blog post will cover just that, as we will explore what a red flag is, how to learn what your own dating red flags are, what to do when you see a red flag, and red flags that can be indicative of future unhealthy patterns. 

What is a red flag?

Red flags are any behaviors that you see in a partner that can be indicative of unhealthy or manipulative behaviors. Generally, these behaviors or patterns can often be observed within the person you are in a relationship with. You can also notice red flags by noticing how your partner makes you feel, behave, and think. Red flags can leave you questioning the relationship, or generally just rub you the wrong way. They may be subtle or hard to notice at first. Usually, red flags in a relationship tend to build and become clearer as the relationship goes on and may even build to larger issues. 

Examples of dating red flags

There are some very clear red flags that may be signs of an abusive relationship. Ultimately, these are red flags that you should not ignore in any relationship. Some of these red flags include: 

• Physical, mental, emotional abuse
• Narcissism 
• Love bombing 
• Anger management issues
• Constant monitoring  
• Consistent togetherness and jealousy 
• Criticism 
• Refusal to take responsibility 
• Lack of trust 
• Emotionally unavailable

These behaviors that you may notice in your partner are red flags that all individuals should  look out for when dating. If you notice these signs in your partner, seek support through safe family and friends or seek professional help. You can call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800.799.SAFE(7233). 

Read more about early signs of an abusive relationship

Individualized red flags

There are also red flags that can be more individualized due to your past, such as familial experiences, what you have seen in your friends’ partners, or in your past intimate relationships. These red flags may not be dangerous, but they may be behaviors that you would like to steer clear of due to past history. For example, if your past partner enjoyed going out often with his friends until late at night and it consistently was something that bothered you, it may be a dating red flag that you avoid going forward. Alternatively, it may be a green flag for you if a partner prefers to stay in or is more of a homebody. 

Green flags

In order to better understand what red flags are, it’s also important to know what green flags are as well. Green flags are signs of a healthy relationship where there are actions and behaviors that align with a partner that you would like to be with. To clarify, examples of green flags in a relationship are:

• Mutual respect
• They build you up
• Trust 
• Emotional availability
• They are empathetic 
• They respect your boundaries 
• The relationship is moving at a comfortable pace
• You have honest, vulnerable and effective communication
• You feel emotionally and physically safe

What to do when you notice red flags

When you notice a red flag you have two major choices; to either note it and work through it with your partner, or leave the relationship. When exploring your decision, these are some questions you can ask yourself:

How did that behavior make you feel? 

Did it rub you the wrong way?

Did it make you question the relationship?

What emotions are coming up?

Are there any emotions towards your partner? 

Is this one of your non-negotiables?

Did this make you feel unsafe?

Is this a behavior you could work through?

Is this first time this has happened, or is it a consistent feeling/ behavior?

After you reflect, you may have more of a clear answer of whether it is a clear red flag, or in other words, non-negotiable. If you are still unsure, pin this as something you would like to keep an eye out for to see if it continues. If the red flag continues to happen, try communicating this with your partner in a grounded and vulnerable way. Every relationship is going to have obstacles that you have to work through. Ultimately, it is important to be honest with yourself and explore if this is something you can work through, or if it is a non-negotiable.   

Are you looking for extra support around dating and relationships? Working with a relational therapist can help. Reach out to myTherapyNYC today to find out more about our therapists!

What are some of your red flags or green flags when dating? Join the conversation in the comments below!