Tis the season to be jolly… isn’t that what they say? Holidays are one of the most stressful times of the year. There are plenty of demands and expectations put upon us that can be anxiety producing. Family and friends want the celebrations to be fun and joyful. Getting together to spend time with those we love can stir up old unresolved memories. At times we may even feel a certain sense of obligation. This stress can lead to challenges in communicating our wants and needs.
In order to ensure that your holiday season is filled with joy and fun, there are a few things to remember so that you communicate in a healthy and effective way this holiday season.Below are some ideas to keep in mind and practice while communicating with others.
- Set the intention to connect by being present and joyful when around others. Avoid being the bah-humbug of the group. Share in the spirit of love and joy. Be courageous by letting down your guard for a minute. Take a moment to remember that we are all in this together. Share from a space of common humanity. Give your full attention to the person you are connecting with by looking them directly in the eye. Turn off distractions, such as cell phones and TV.
- Be clear on what you want. Doing something out of a sense of obligation can cause resentments. This leads to irritability and sometimes passive aggressive responses in our communications. Be sure to tell others what you want to do. Be honest about your choices instead of worrying about what others will think. If you show up at a party with negative energy and you really do not want to be there, then your energy will definitely have an impact on the mood of the event.
- Speak in 1st person and avoid blaming, complaining, judging and criticizing. When speaking with others use “I” statements. “I want to share my experience about…” “I am feeling anxious and stressful about what is happening.” Avoid statements like “You make me feel anxious and stressful with all your behavior.” “You know how it is when you are trying to share and you don’t feel heard.” Anytime the ego hears the word you, it wants to defend and protect itself. Speaking in 1st person requires focusing on the self and allows you to hear the inner thinking of the mind.
- Own your feelings and your experience while communicating about what just happened. Talk about what your personal experience is and avoid talking about everything that has happened in the past. Focus on what your experience is in this moment. Always start by objectively owning what you are feeling. Check in with your body and share what is happening within you. Describe the feeling, mood, sensation, or attitude. “My experience is that I am feeling a tightness in my stomach. I am feeling some anxiousness. I need your help in understanding my feelings when ____________ happened.” Share your observations and remember that your thoughts are creating your feelings. Stick with what is yours without projecting onto others. Be aware that the person you are communicating with could be triggered by old memories and past history.
- Let go of gossiping this season. Getting together with family may be a time to catch up and talk about what has been going on. Be mindful to avoid gossiping and judging others. Keeping the conversations on your experience will allow you to connect more authentically with others. Gossiping is only a distraction. It is a defense mechanism. Ask yourself… “Is this important?” “Does it need to be said by me?” “Does it need to be said by me at this time?” “Is what I am saying kind?”
- Avoid Score Keeping. This means do not keep a tally sheet. The ego likes to think about all the things that have happened in the past and save them up for the right time to dump them on someone else. Avoid talking about what happened three Christmases ago. Avoid talking about how you got someone a really nice gift and they only got you a $5 gift card. This tit-for-tat approach creates resentments, anger, blame and isolation. This keeps us stuck in the past instead of being present with our loved ones right now.
- Pay attention to acknowledge and duplicate what the other has said. Be mindful to repeat what the other person has said. Repeat it to their satisfaction. “What I heard you say is _____________. Did I get that?” Make sure the other person has clearly been heard and understood before moving to your feelings and perceptions.
- Remember to connect with the feeling first and problem solve last. Too often we jump to try and fix a situation. We will often bypass what the emotional experience was in order to make the ego feel better. The ego likes to think, analyze, blame and fix. Go to the source of the feeling. Have an experience of the emotion and the physiological sensations. Be with it for 20 seconds without trying to “do” anything. Once the feelings have begun to pass and move through the body, then we can seek to resolve situations. Otherwise the emotions will overtake the situation and blind us from seeing what is available as a solution. We need to be heard and understood. We want our feelings acknowledged. Once this has happened we can move forward.
- Set boundaries before family gatherings. If you know that there may be challenges with someone ahead of time, then clear it up before the whole family is there. Go to your family member before the holidays start. Make an appointment to discuss any issues and share in private, without others around. This way when the holiday comes, there will be boundaries in place so everyone feels comfortable and safe to connect.
Healthy communications is the key to successful relationships. It takes practice. Be gentle with yourself and remember that with a positive intention everything will work out. If you use these suggestions, your holidays will have the opportunity to be filled with all the joy and love you desire. Remember that if you show up with respect and consideration, then it will help others to do the same as well. You can practice effective communicate all year round to ensure happy and connected relationships in the years to come.
This blog is Chapter Six of our recent e-book,“Surviving the Holidaze.” If you like a free copy of this e-book, please click here.
Psychotherapist at MattCartwrightTherapy.com
Offers individual and couples therapy in NYC.
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