An Opportunity to Learn and Grow: Calling In vs. Calling Out

In a society that can often feel run by headlines, social media, and impulsive responding, we can sometimes become overwhelmed and determined to point out how statements by others are wrong or hurtful. This act of calling out can be challenging. Yet it is important to let someone know how their words impact you or a group of people. It is a way of validating your feelings, while also deeming certain ideas as unacceptable. In this blog we will explore calling in vs. calling out. A step beyond calling someone out would be to call someone in.

The practice of calling in involves exploring where these beliefs or statements stem from. By trying to understand different perspectives, you can go beyond a reaction and reflect together. Calling someone in leads to an education for all parties involved. On the other hand, calling out may shut someone down from opening up to new possibilities.

Calling out: what it is and potential limitations 

Many of us may be familiar with the concept of calling out. To eliminate any confusion, I am defining calling out as a direct challenge, often publicly, to someone’s actions or words that is meant to expose harm or a problematic nature. Calling out is typically one-sided, and does not leave space for a conversation or curiosity about the person’s intentions.

When we lead with assumption, we may be incorrect. We are also placing ourselves in a position of power. We may be implying that we know that person better than they know themselves. This is not to minimize the importance or difficulty of calling out. By doing so, you are putting yourself in a potentially vulnerable position, while also displaying an act of bravery. This proclamation of morals or values can be powerful and speak to your self-worth. However, what if there was a better way?

What is the goal when we call someone out? Is it to shame or embarrass them? Or is it to educate them? Is it coming from a place of compassion and understanding? Hateful, hurtful statements or actions can provoke our fight mode. However, this can lead to creating more hate or hurt. What if we could share our beliefs in a calm way, while also engaging in a dialogue? You may not be able to change someone’s opinion or views. However, maybe you can still feel seen and heard. This is one benefit of calling in vs. calling out.

Calling in vs. calling out: potential paradigm shifts

In contrast, calling in is a way to check in with others. It involves patience and an open ear around issues you feel they have gotten wrong. This can involve trying to understand different perspectives and experiences, and leaning more into reflection rather than reaction. Calling in is challenging in a different way than calling out. That said, imagine if we all closed our eyes and counted to 5 when we experience something that is directly or indirectly hurtful, and then responding. That pause followed by curiosity can create an opportunity to connect rather than attack. What would happen if others actually listened to our thoughts and feelings instead of getting defensive?

The practice of calling in creates a potential for paradigm shifts, or a fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions. Misinformation is constantly circling throughout the media and internet. What may have felt malicious to you could actually come from a place of ignorance. When we lead with compassion, our words are easier to swallow.

If calling out feels like a push away, calling in feels like a hug – an embrace to listen to. Calling in challenges us to bring the best version of ourselves forward in often uncomfortable circumstances. The words of Michelle Obama come to mind: “when they go low, we go high.” We may not be able to control our emotions. However, we can control our reactions to others. I invite you to question what road you want to go down when illuminating unsavory behaviors.

Societal and cultural shifts

Although calling in vs. calling out has always existed, the recent polarization of ideas has exacerbated the conversations. The recent Me Too and Black Lives Matter movements have invited deep-seeded discussions around identity, respect, rights, dignity and more. When discussing racism, implicit bias can stand in the way of seeing someone as an individual, rather than a stereotype. In my therapy practice, I make a point of intentionally discussing identity with all my clients. This can lessen any opportunity for implicit bias to seep in. 

Read more about implicit bias

America, as a nation, is changing and always has been. Topics like climate change and immigration, among others, can often tear people apart. Holidays have potentially turned into stressful events to avoid that one cousin. Sometimes we can judge someone’s entire character based on one thing they said that negatively affected us or someone we care about. While we may not be able to change someone’s beliefs, the practice of calling in can help navigate the ever-changing shifts we are experiencing. We can embrace our differences without causing additional harm. Change can be scary and uncomfortable to some, and that is okay. Keeping this in mind, with an empathetic heart, we may be able to cut through anger to actually experience one another’s truth. Remember, one person’s truth does not equate to being correct. Rather, it is an idea based on their circumstances and experiences.

Read more on how to have a difficult conversation with someone you love

Social media’s impact on connecting 

Social media platforms like Facebook not only enable, but also encourage calling out, through the nature of their interface. What was once a space for younger people to connect has evolved into an all-encompassing universe for people old and young, Republican and Democrat, queer and cisgender – people of all ideologies and identities – to interact with one another. These differences can separate us or unite us depending on the intention one has when connecting with others.  Topics and individuals can be silenced or erased for often a singular act. We refer to this as cancel culture. Today, there is debate over the meaning of cancel culture and if it impacts our free speech. Calling out and cancel culture can stand hand in hand, while calling in replaces canceling with listening.

Missing social cues

When we connect with one another via social media or text, certain social cues can be missing. Often inflections, context, and response time are distorted in these communications. These missed cues can lead to more calling out rather than calling in. The technological world has limited in-person communication. However, even online we have the ability to call someone in with questions and statements like:

“Could we talk about this more offline?”
“I would be interested in having a conversation about this topic in a mutually respectful way.”
“Are you open to hearing a different perspective?”

Asking for permission is a wonderful way to gauge another person’s willingness to engage.

In recent years, we have seen increased polarization and cultural shifts. We also rely on social media platforms that were not created for healthy, balanced discussions. That said, we have the chance to go beyond calling people out by calling them in. When we lead with compassion and patience, we can try to eliminate frustration with difficult conversations. Together, we have the opportunity to learn and grow when we consider calling in vs. calling out.

Are you interested in improving your communication skills around difficult topics? Therapy is a great way to learn and practice better ways to express yourself. Reach out to myTherapyNYC today!

What challenges have you faced when calling someone out or in? Comment below to ignite a conversation around difficult conversations!