Understanding the Difference Between Wants and Needs in a Relationship [Transcript]
I want to share with you the difference between relationship wants and needs in a relationship. So lets discuss the difference:
Relationship Wants
Relationship Wants. We all have them. We should have them. When thinking about relationship wants, we should hold onto the mindset: “what will make me happy?”, because we all deserve to be happy. It’s important to keep in mind that you should distinguish your wants from what society and what other people may want for you.
Don’t worry about being superficial. These are your relationship wants, they are an expression of who you are and what would make you happy. So you shouldn’t be ashamed of them.
I hate to break it to you, but you probably won’t get all your relationship wants from your future partner. No one is perfect and you can’t expect to get everything from one person. However, you should expect to get your relationship’s needs met.
Relationship Needs
What are those relationship needs? Those are the non-negotiables. Those are the essential things that you need to make a relationship work. For instance, let’s say that having children is very important to you. It’s a non-neogtiable. It’s the very thing that will make you happy. And let’s say you meet someone that doesn’t want children. So why would you spend time and energy to pursue a person who’s not going to be able to fulfill your relationship needs.
Too many clients stay in relationships for too long when they find out the other person won’t meet their relationship needs. It’s important to respect yourself and the other person by learning to let go when someone is not going to fulfill your relationship needs.
Read: Trust Your Instincts, Use Your Feelings as a Guide
Create a list of all your wants and needs
So what is a good way to figure out what your needs and wants are? I usually have my clients write out a list: a list with all the traits they want in an ideal partner. Those are your relationship wants. Then, go through the list and circle all the “non-negotiables.” Those are your relationship needs. Know that your list may evolve and that’s okay!
Your relationship wants and relationship needs may come and go, but the important part is that you have this list and that it is clear. So when dating someone seriously, take out that list, and make sure they are going to be meeting your needs first. If so, continue dating and hopefully they’re going to be meeting some of your relationship wants as well!
Read: The First Step to Entering a Healthy Gay Relationship
I value your input, so please share your comments below. Thanks for listening and happy dating!
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11 comments
Amazing Video and Blog! Maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship is very challenging, so it’s good to know and differentiate between our wants and needs.
Great video blog! So important to differentiate between needs and wants and to know that we are deserving of both. I like that there is the need to discern that these needs and wants can change over time and that’s ok.
Awesome video blog! I really like raising the awareness and the reality that some things are non-negotiable in a relationship. Great job Joe!
Great blog! The quality is really good. I love the idea of allowing oneself to have non-negotiables.
Great video blog! I really like the idea of actually writing out a list and allowing ourselves to imagine all that we want and need at the start of a relationship.
This is such an important topic that I think a lot of therapists shy away from. Helping our clients know when to let go rather then focusing on building skills to keep the relationship can be hard to sit with in sessions. Thanks for addressing this!
Always an important reminder that our relationship wants are valid! – and a great reminder of the difference between relationship wants and relationship needs.
This is a really great video and blog, such useful advice. I had never really thought to look at a relationship as “wants” and “needs” but it makes so much sense. I’m definitely going to apply this thinking to my own life and my search for a relationship. I guess understanding the difference between wants and needs is also really important.
Thanks, Daniel. I am glad to hear that you found it helpful.
I am currently going through a rough time in my relationship and this article couldn’t have came at a better time, I have been crying my eyes out (yes, literally!) for a couple of months now as me and my other half have decided to go separate ways. This wasn’t just any relationship, this was a bond between two people that I believed to have been amazing, however, in time the true colors started to shine and they started to be verbally aggressive.. they even began to have sex with other people. What would you advise to any individual that’s currently aching from a relationship that’s ended due to being cheated on? The first four years of the relationship was absolutely superb, it was excellent in fact, we would both go to the movies (because who doesn’t love the cinema?!), eat at fancy restaurants, be very intimate, it was like they changed overnight into a different person. It would honestly mean so much to me to receive a response from you… (I would love to speak to someone about this). xxx
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Wow I love this topic … Need required something because it is essential or important… A relationship without the needs been met is just waste of time , energy and money ….our need should be our priority and it should be non- negotiable