The Stages of Breakup Grief: How to Mourn a Breakup [Video]

Grief is often discussed through the lens of experiencing a death of a loved one. It’s generally a word or a term used within the context of a physical loss of someone. However, grief can also include the loss of loved ones through spiritual and emotional means, including romantic relationships and friendships. Therefore, it’s important to better understand the stages of breakup grief.

Many of us have experienced breakups with partners, spouses, and friends. However, grief after a breakup isn’t always recognized by the larger community. With this in mind, how do people normalize grief after a breakup when it is such a shared and collective experience? How do people adjust and heal from this loss of a person and even the loss of yourself? How do we validate healing and mourn a breakup through the stages of grief? 

Breaking up with friends, romantic partners, or family is very hard to do. The word “breakup” means “in separation from a person or thing.” So why are breakups so difficult to experience? Well, when we separate from people that we love and care for, it can really feel painful and hurtful. Not only are you physically separating from this person, but there’s also an emotional loss. This can typically be seen through the process of experiencing positively associated emotions like joy, excitement, pleasure, and happiness that you once shared with someone, and then suddenly going toward negatively associated emotions like sadness, pain, and fear. This experience can be really jarring, intense, and even feel like physical pain. It’s through this transition process that we can find ourselves within the stages of grief. 

Stages of Grief

The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While this is a framework developed to help us rationalize breakups and the grieving process, there are other ways to self-affirm and validate your grief. Grieving includes, not just grieving the loss of the other person, but also the loss of that part of yourself and that identity that you had. We cope with grief by allowing ourselves to transition through the stages of grief with self-compassion. We feel our emotions, connect with others and our support networks, and are spiritually mindful of nurturing our sense of self. 

The stages of breakup grief are defined by the natural emotional response of suffering due to the loss of this loved one or thing. Processing breakup grief can have two main components: the loss of the person and the loss of yourself. When we experience breakups, it’s natural to feel those negative emotions, like sadness or anger because of this loss. Either you’re dealing with a partner leaving or being the person who broke off the relationship yourself. Either way, this is still recognized as separating yourself from another person. You could have experienced a whole life with this person that you held so much love and hope for, and in a minute, this reality can shift. 

Read more about how to get through a breakup.

Within our relationships, we feel a sense of alignment with others that allows us not only to feel in harmony, but also to find community with other people. This integration of comfort and happiness makes mourning a breakup all the more difficult if you find yourself in a place where you may not have that community anymore. Suddenly you realize that you don’t have this person or people to rely on, which can be especially difficult through such emotionally harrowing times. It is important to normalize that there’s a need and craving that you have for this person that is no longer being satiated. However, this can jump start a mourning period for not just the other person but also for yourself in that relationship. 

Some people who experience breakup grief can also experience a loss of self. When we come from these relationships that can be quite enmeshed, or coming from a place that fostered such strong inner harmony, we can find ourselves in a position where we might not recognize the people that we are outside of that relationship. You might find yourself wondering who you are without this person and even start mourning the person that you were within the relationship. There is a loss of identity involved that adds another layer to the intensity of breakup grief. 

Read more about the why cheating can be so hurtful.

Denial

These two stages of breakup grief can be seen through the stages of grief created by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. The stages of grief start with denial. You may find yourself saying things like, “This isn’t happening to me. I know it’s not happening to me.” Alternatively, you may completely reject the idea that the relationship that you had is over. You may believe that this person will be coming back or that you might be going back to them. 

Anger

Next, we have the stage of anger, so you might feel the need for revenge or feelings of rage that can emerge towards yourself or towards the other person or people. You may start to resent this person for disrupting that inner harmony that you had cultivated for yourself within that relationship. You may even start to resent yourself for the breakup happening and start a cycle of self-blaming. 

Bargaining

The next stage is bargaining. At this stage, you might find yourself ruminating on thoughts like, “I could have done this,” or “I should have done that.” This is spending time on “could’ve, would’ve, should’ves.” It’s a period of time where you’ll start to think about how you could have salvaged your relationship or your identity, so you try to regain this for yourself again. Usually, the stage of bargaining leads us to an outcome that doesn’t typically work for us at the end. 

Depression

That leads into the stage of depression. Here you might experience intense and overwhelming feelings of sadness, isolation, and hopelessness. You may even start to think that you’re undeserving of any new relationships. It’s through this stage that you might experience cathartic emotions that jumpstart your own sense of healing. This is normal. Allow yourself to come to terms with your grief on your own time and for as long as you need. 

Acceptance

The last stage is acceptance. During this stage you might show yourself self-compassion and may feel more courageousness for yourself and other people. You might find clarity about your relationship with other people and, most importantly, the relationship that you have with yourself. This may be a chance to recognize that you’re on your way of repairing what you might have lost within yourself. 

Other Ways to Process Breakup Grief

How else do we process breakup grief, especially through the stages of grief? 

Feel Your Emotions

Allow yourself to feel your emotions for however long you need. There is no timeline or guidebook on healing. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line. 

Self-Compassion & Time

Allow self-compassion to come in, to be able to be kind and patient with yourself. This could look like words of self-affirmation. This could look like listening to uplifting music or watching funny videos. 

Allow yourself to take the time needed to mourn after your breakup. Your feelings and healing are important, and they matter. 

Connect With Others 

Through a biological lens, we have a need for community; it’s a part of us. We will always need and gravitate toward other people. By connecting with other people, our support systems will be able to foster the sense of belonging and assure ourselves that it’s okay to have a need for other people.

Nurture Yourself 

Spiritual wellness is important in processing grief and affirming your experience. Have and believe in your own agency to ground yourself in your grief and within your own healing. Light a candle. Go out in nature. Read that book that’s been sitting on that shelf. Foster the fact that even within your grief and mourning this relationship, we can also allow ourselves to feel excitement and happiness again. We can develop grounds for a new beginning. We all have different experiences in coping with breakups, and we should be able to reconnect with ourselves to find inner community. Self-nurturing allows you to strengthen your relationship with yourself and continue to further your self-identity outside of that relationship. 

Grief manifests in many forms, and processing grief after a breakup is a very real and valid process. When we go from emotionally positive states of being toward more negative states, we often find ourselves becoming lost within our own internal processes. This mourning process can be intense and overwhelming. That’s okay. Allow yourself to understand the stages of grief and understand what it feels like in your body and within your own self. Through taking your time, feeling your emotions, and validating each stage, you’ll be able to process, not just the loss of this person, but also the loss of yourself. There is no set timeline for healing. Process your grief for as long as necessary. Be extra kind to yourself during this time and allow yourself to connect with friends and family who support you. Take this time to reconnect with yourself spiritually and emotionally toward wellness.