If spending time with family during the holiday season stresses you out or triggers you, you’re not alone! For many of us, visiting family might mean spending time, energy, or money in ways that don’t align with our values. We might have radically different political views, lifestyles, or religious beliefs than the people who raised us. Some of us have families who don’t accept our sexuality, partner, or choice of career. These are just a few of the many possible situations that can be stressful about spending time with family over the holidays. This blog will lay out several tips to help you set boundaries with your family and take good care of yourself during the holidays.
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Plan ahead
Rather than avoiding the topic of your upcoming holiday travel, set aside some time to really think about it. Focus on the parts that you anticipate being stressful or triggering. Identify what your needs are when you are with your family and spend some time strategizing how you might meet those needs during the holidays. You could write these down in a list so you can refer to them as a reminder if you get triggered. Consider giving family members a heads up about your needs and what you might do to meet them if this will decrease your anxiety. If it feels difficult, you could practice having the “heads up” conversation with your therapist or friend before having it with family members.
Take breaks
Whether it’s taking a nap, going for a walk, scrolling through Instagram, or reading a book, make sure you take some time to recharge. This is time when you don’t need to engage with anyone but yourself. You might consider adding these breaks to your calendar so reminders pop up and prompt you to do these self-care activities.
Identify what’s “off limits”
You probably don’t need more than two seconds to name the topics that trigger you. You get to decide that you simply will not engage in these topics. This is a key part of setting boundaries during the holidays. You might consider asking family members not to talk about these things in your presence or respectfully let them know that you will not participate in these discussions. It can be helpful to plan how you might respond if someone brings up one of your “off limits” topics, so you feel as grounded and prepared as possible in the event that it happens.
Decide where you will stay and for how long
Depending on your situation, you might have options about where to stay during the holidays. To the best of your ability, opt to stay somewhere where you will have privacy and feel respected. Also think about how long you plan to stay. Ask yourself if the length of your visit is best for you or if you are staying that long to please your family. It can feel hard to make choices like this, especially when you worry about hurting people’s feelings. What you decide may potentially be different from what family members expect from you. However, if pleasing your family members is at the cost of your own comfort or mental health, it’s not worth it.
Create experiences you do want
While it can certainly be stressful to spend time with family during the holidays, remember to think about the parts that you typically do enjoy or look forward to (if there are any). If there are aspects of the holidays that you appreciate, do what you can to ensure you get to experience them. While it’s very important to set healthy boundaries, don’t let your focus on what you’re trying to avoid prevent you from enjoying the parts you like.
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Utilize your support system
It’s important to have a strong support system that you can lean on if you get triggered or are feeling stressed. Take some time to identify who and what helps you feel supported and grounded. This list might include friends, your therapist, a sponsor, an AA meeting, meditation, or yoga class. You can always text Crisis text line, which is a 24-hour free service that will connect you with a Crisis Counselor. This offers you a real-life human being trained to bring you from a hot moment to a cool calm through active listening and collaborative problem solving.
Setting boundaries with family during the holidays is not always easy to do, but it’s incredibly important. We deserve to take care of ourselves and do everything in our power to stay safe and comfortable. This typically goes best when we take some time to plan ahead and think about what our needs are before we are in the moment. The better we are at setting boundaries, the more able we will be to relax and have an enjoyable experience.
What are some ways you set boundaries during the holidays? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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3 comments
Thank you so much Pamela for writing such a wonderful and important blog! It is so easy to forget our boundaries when spending time with family, especially family we rarely see. This is a great reminder that its okay to reject things that do not serve a positive purpose for our mental health.
Great blog, Pamela! This is so necessary for the time of the year. Boundaries are so important and I appreciate you highlighting that. I really like the suggestion on taking a break to recharge, as being present 100% of the time can be challenging.
This topic is very much needed around this time of year! I love the idea of setting reminders in your phone so that you don’t forget to take a moment to step away and care for yourself in case family interactions get too overwhelming. I also think it is so important that, despite setting boundaries, we still remember to try to enjoy something about these holiday interactions, even if it as is small as looking forward to dessert or petting the family dog!