The Secret to Gay Dating in NYC

Nearly ever gay man in New York has had the thought that “everyone has a boyfriend but me!  What’s wrong with me?”  The truth is, of course, that there’s likely nothing wrong with you, but there is a lot wrong with how people date in NYC.

In New York or elsewhere, a date can so often be a setup for failure; we are typically sitting down with a relative stranger working feverishly to put forward our most attractive, intelligent self, while at the same time scoping out the other person to see if they might be a fit…and to boot, we’re supposed to look casual and relaxed while doing it!  For many of us, this is a recipe to get stuck in our head, to feel nervous or frustrated, or to “check out.”

What’s more, consider what you’d identify as the ingredients to a successful relationship.  Most of us would probably say something like trust, mutual connection, and a commitment to humility and compromise.  But in New York (the most expensive city in the country and home of countless image-centric industries) we are encouraged to value the opposite: individuality, the maintenance of external appearance, and the acquisition of wealth.  On top of it all, the millions of people living on top of each other in NYC creates a false sense of expendability…how many of us have seen potential dating prospects disappear in the blink of an eye?

So, what to do?  Instead of dedicating energy to navigating the difficult world of gay dating, I suggest these two tips:

1.  Invest in being the best version of yourself.  People are attracted to attractive people.  Are you a little edgy and irritable?  Start meditating.  Do you spend too much time at the office?  Start setting boundaries with your supervisor now.  Are you occasionally overly focused on personal pleasure or material acquisition?  Go volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter.  As you become a better you, you will naturally attract more desirable people to connect with.  Love yourself!

Read: Practicing Self Love: 5 Ways

2.  Pursue your interests offline.  The absolute best way to meet someone to date is to be out into the world, doing things you enjoy.  Make a list of things that give you pleasure and find opportunities to go out and do them.  Though the possibilities here are endless, many gay men find particular meaning in getting involved with an LGBT organization or charity.  For a comprehensive list of such organizations in NYC, click here.

Many people who set aside the project of dating describe feeling a huge weight being lifted off their shoulders.  Dating can become so stressful…let it go!  As we enter into the world in a more relaxed, natural way, we find that it’s easier to meet people, easier to connect, and easier to be the best version of yourself.

Looking to Improve Connection? Try Therapy with an LGBT Affirmative Therapist!