“Codependent” has been used as a buzzword to describe distressed relationships for over 50 years, but have you ever wondered what it really means? The term codependency was coined in the 1970s among alcohol treatment providers. At that time, addiction treatment groups began to widen the lens of focus to include not just the addicted individual but also to consider spouses and other family members. The “co-addicts”, as they were originally called, often played roles in the relationships that unintentionally sustained the addictive behaviors.
So, how does this pattern show up in relationships without any obvious substance addiction, and how does any relationship succeed without some kind of dependence? This blog will explore codependent relationships – what they are, how to spot them, and how to move from codependency to more healthy interdependence in those relationships.
What Is Codependency and Why Does It Matter?
Ideally, we engage in relationships for connection, support, and growth. The loving care between two people is mutual as well as flexible and fluid, depending on life circumstances and who might need to give or receive more support at any given time. Typically, the giving and receiving of loving devotion balances out over time, leaving each partner feeling both loved and loving. It can be hard to spot when this balance veers into an unsustainable imbalance, in which one or both partners feels drained and anxious, like they are giving too much, and struggling to maintain healthy independence. This is the dynamic of codependent relationships.
In codependent relational patterns, one’s self worth, identity, and emotional regulation become overly reliant on the experience of their partner, and they begin to prioritize their partner’s emotions, needs, or struggles at the expense of their own needs. Codependent relationships foster unhealthy dynamics between partners such as avoidance and enabling, all of which negatively affect mental health, resulting in diminished self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. Codependent relationships can lead to resentment and limit authentic connection and growth.
Signs of Codependency in a Relationship
On the surface, it can be hard to pinpoint the signs of codependency in a relationship. This is because we universally recognize many codependent behaviors as integral in healthy relationships. Behaviors such as selflessness, loyalty, empathy, and accommodating one’s partner are necessary attributes in all relationships. However, the difference becomes clear when we consider the magnitude of these behaviors within the relationship and the impact that they have on one or both partners.
Common signs of codependency include:
- Difficulty setting relationship boundaries
- People pleasing
- Fear of abandonment
- Outsized responsibility for your partner’s emotions
- Loss of identity
- Enabling behaviors
- Low self-worth
- An increased need for validation or approval when making decisions
Questions to Ask Yourself
- Do you feel guilty for saying no to your partner?
- Do you worry that getting your own needs met will cause conflict in the relationship?
- Does your self-worth or your own mood depend on your partner’s happiness?
- Do you find yourself tolerating behavior patterns in your partner that cause you distress to avoid rejection or to appease your own fear of abandonment?
- Have you neglected your other relationships, interests, or goals to maintain stability in your primary relationship?
- Do you find yourself enabling your partner by protecting them from the consequences of their actions in order to continue to maintain that sense of stability? This can look like making excuses for them or taking on their responsibilities.
- Do you find yourself seeking validation or approval from your partner when making decisions to avoid conflict?
- Do you feel valuable in the relationship only when your partner needs you?
- Finally, do your own moods overly depend on your partner’s moods and attention?
Remember that couples in healthy relationships will experience the tendencies we outlined above. Appropriately prioritizing your partner’s needs and emotions, fearing conflict and rejection, and feeling enhanced self-worth within the context of your relationship are certainly typical parts of thriving relationships. This is why codependency can be hard to spot at first. The key is to consider the magnitude and impact these patterns have within the relationship. Over time, unchecked codependency can:
- Erode one’s authentic sense of self
- Rob one or both partners of their self-efficacy and accountability
- Have varying degrees of negative impacts on mental health, personal growth, job performance, and other relationships
How to Break Codependent Patterns
Fortunately, codependency is a pattern, not a fixed attribute. Identifying and altering this pattern can be the gateway to long-lasting growth and more satisfying relationships. A solid first step is increasing awareness of your relationship dynamics and your own role in them. If your relationship is codependent, you may be regularly prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own and making decisions out of fear of rejection or conflict rather than out of preference or choice.
Increase Awareness
Increasing awareness of your own patterns in relationships can begin with small, simple steps. First, get curious about when these patterns might have first shown up for you. Often, the dynamics we learned in childhood in our families of origin can impact the way we engage in relationships as adults. If you grew up in a home where one family member struggled with addiction, illness, or mental health, you might have learned that other family members must sacrifice their own needs to care for others and maintain some stability in their lives. Likewise, if you grew up in a family where no one acknowledged abusive or harmful behaviors, you might have learned that staying silent about your own needs was safer than confrontation.
Your attachment style may also predispose you towards codependent behaviors. If you grew up with caregivers who were inconsistently responsive to your emotional needs, you may have developed an anxious attachment style. This might translate to difficulty setting boundaries in relationships, overly craving reassurance from your partners, or overreacting to perceived threats to the relationship.
Practice Self-Compassion
Remember to be gentle with yourself as you start a journey of self-awareness. Humans are wired to be social and connected. If connection to our caregivers felt lacking, unreliable, or unsafe in childhood, we develop coping mechanisms designed to maintain our closest relationships. From that lens, codependent tendencies are a normal response to emotional misattunement or neglect in our past. Think of these tendencies as a brilliant solution to a connection problem that simply no longer serves you. Therefore, in the present day, codependent patterns can lead to resentment, anxiety, depression, and unhealthy dependency. (Understanding Codependent Relationships | Gottman Institute)
Identify Needs
Next, reconnect to your own needs and feelings without judgement. Check in with yourself often, asking yourself what you are feeling or needing at any given moment. Identifying your own specific needs, goals, or feelings will help reclaim your own identity and sense of self in the world. Pay attention to how you might be unintentionally guilting or limiting yourself as you rediscover your own needs and feelings. For example, does it feel selfish to consider yourself without discounting your needs to leave room for the preferences of others?
Set Boundaries
This is a perfect time to consider and identify relationship boundaries that work for you. The idea of setting boundaries with loved ones can feel impossible or overwhelming. Especially if in your past you learned that having and expressing your own needs led to disconnection or emotional abandonment. Boundaries are often not sweeping, dramatic declarations of our rules of engagement. Practice small, simple limits that feel good to you, such as taking some time to yourself or definitively stating the restaurant or movie you prefer on a night out.
Read more about setting boundaries here.
If any of this feels uncomfortable, that is a good sign! Speaking up or changing old patterns will feel uncomfortable at first. This is an indication of growth and evolution, not a sign that you are doing something wrong. In fact, increasing our capacity to tolerate discomfort is exactly how we grow and learn any new set of skills. As a bonus, caring for yourself in the midst of discomfort is another way to learn more about yourself and your needs. This is a good time to seek therapy, join a support group, or reinvest in hobbies and friendships that are outside of your primary relationship.
Identify Interdependence in Relationships
Dependence is very much an integral part of healthy, thriving relationships. So, how will you know if you are on a path towards healing codependent patterns in your own relationship? The goal is not to become detached or hyper-independent, but to move towards interdependence, where both partners can depend on each other without compromising their own identity and independence. Those relationship boundaries you have been practicing become the framework for healthy dependence. In interdependent relationships, both partners respect each other’s boundaries, honoring each other’s needs and individuality. (Overcoming Codependency in Relationships | Strategic Psychology )
Interdependent partners do not view boundaries as symbols of rejection, abandonment, or ill intent. Instead, they view relationship boundaries as roadmaps to deeper, more successful connection with each other. Boundaries are not threats to connection, rather your boundaries tell your partner how to love you so you can feel it. Boundary setting is not a threat to couples with healthy dependence because both partners assume emotional responsibility. This means that each person manages their own emotions while still being able to show up with empathy and care for their partner. This naturally creates open, honest communication because each person can trust the other to manage their own feelings of disappointment or sadness in difficult conversations, allowing both to express their authentic feelings without the fear of punishment or abandonment.
Relationship boundaries help each partner maintain a strong sense of their own self, interests, and values within the relationship. Interdependent couples are able to maintain their own identities and experience the freedom of each encouraging the other’s personal growth, instead of being fearful of the outcome. In other words, interdependent couples do not force connection out of dependency or fear, they actively choose to be connected and close.
Experience Healthy Relationships
If any of these codependent patterns personally resonated with you, it does not mean that your relationship is broken. It is an invitation for you to become more curious about yourself, your needs, your goals, and your experiences. Every small step you take towards building your own identity by setting a small boundary or vocalizing a need brings you closer to the emotional ease of interdependent relationships.
Do you want to explore codependent relationships in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
What small ways do you honor your unique identity? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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