What is Relational Therapy?

Relational therapy helps people understand how their thoughts and feelings impact their understanding of themselves and others. Not only does it allow them to see themselves as whole people, but also to see others as whole. The beginning of this therapeutic process starts with a trained mental health professional who understands the key concepts of relational therapy.

What is relational therapy?

Relational therapy is a therapeutic approach that focuses on relationships. Since every part of our lives involves some sort of relationship dynamic, we cannot escape relationships. Often people think of relationships only in the context of family and dating. However, we have relationships with our colleagues, our neighbors, our community members, and the like. Learning how to navigate these relationships and form new ones is a human need. Ruptures in a relationship leave us wounded and sometimes fearful of engaging with others. These ruptures cause psychological and emotional distress. Additionally, the frequency, intensity, and duration of the psychological and emotional distress can vary based on the rupture.

Social factors and identities

In relational therapy, the therapist will take into account all social factors and identities that make up your sense of self. Having a negative view of yourself can limit your ability to repair, build, and maintain healthy relationships. In the therapeutic process, you can expect to feel seen and validated. In fact, trusting the process will allow you to have healthy relationships and share the best parts of yourself. That sharing starts with a relational therapist. 

A process of healing

Through relational therapy, we can learn things about ourselves that we never stopped to consider. Therefore, working with a relational therapist is the start of the psychological and emotional healing process. In order for us to feel safe, we need to know that the person we trust in therapy is a trained relational therapist. Research has shown that in relational therapy it is the relationship between the therapist and the client that acts as the vehicle to positive change and emotional healing. 

Feeling seen

In relational therapy, you will feel seen by your therapist. From the moment of your first interaction, there is a level of care and curiosity about who you are. Your therapist will have a strong desire to know more about you. This means that emotional space is made for the differences between you and the therapist to be openly discussed and acknowledged. For example, your therapist may acknowledge differences in race, gender, sexuality, age, religion, or culture.

The term feeling seen means that the person interacting with you understands you. Not only do they recognize your perspective, but also how your life story impacts your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. As a result of being seen and feeling seen without judgment, the therapeutic relationship is formed. 

The intersection of self to others

Have you ever found yourself in difficult situations regarding relationships? For example, family members seem to misunderstand you, co-workers are often difficult, and friendships seem to feel tense. It is important to realize that these are signs that the interaction between yourself and others is affecting you. You may be in need of a relational therapist if you have low self esteem, a lack of confidence, and difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries when your needs are unmet. Additionally, if you believe that you are always right and feel that others have no real understanding of why you are always right, a relational therapist can be helpful. 

The path of exploration

A relational therapist can guide you down the path of exploration of what it is truly like to be you. A shared curiosity towards all of your identities is present in a therapeutic relationship. You can expect the relational therapist to have an interest in your culture, social-economic status, racial privileges, and oppressions that seem to impact your life and your relationships. A relational therapist will have a true desire to understand you, your views of yourself, and how that view has grown to become part of your identity. In summary, a relational therapist can help you discover how your interactions with others can be a wonderful experience that leaves you feeling curious, calm, and confident about who you are. 

Repairing, building, and maintaining healthy relationships

Not only can a relational therapist guide you on how to build and maintain healthy relationships, but they can also help you repair difficult relationships. Relational therapy can be helpful in understanding how you are engaging with others. In relational therapy, the therapist helps individuals understand what they are feeling and thinking. In this process, it is common for one’s emotions to overpower their logic.

 For example, in relational therapy, a client may express that their partner tells them they love them all the time. They believe it when they are together, but because of their partner’s delayed response to phone calls, text messages, or emails, they feel as if they don’t matter to their partner. They may feel that their partner has someone else that they are more interested in. A relational therapist can help unpack these competing thoughts and feelings. Through the process of exploration, coupled with care and curiosity, the client feels safe enough to track the source of such thoughts and feelings.

How to know if your relational therapist is the right therapist

In your work with a relational therapist, you should experience feeling seen and accepted for all of who you are. Your culture, religion, race, gender, sexuality, age, etc. is recognized and met with openness and curiosity. There is no judgment! Empathy and compassion from a relational therapist leads to the courage to share. If your relational therapist is a good fit, there will be a growing feeling of trust and appreciation that forms naturally between you and the relational therapist. The emotional space is held with empathy and unconditional care. This experience is always present.

Moments of discomfort

While working with a relational therapist can feel safe and comfortable, there may also be some moments of discomfort. If you are feeling discomfort around how you are experiencing your therapist, you should feel safe enough to share that. In return, your relational therapist shows up for you every time you experience an emotional rupture within their relationship with you.

Sharing your hidden parts

Additionally, you have the space to show the many parts of yourself that you have been afraid to share, or have been told not to share. You may have learned to shame yourself for these hidden parts. With this in mind, sometimes we create defenses to protect ourselves from experiencing these hidden parts of ourselves. For example, say you have experienced emotional ruptures in other relationships. The defense you learned has been to find a new relationship. Ironically, you usually find yourself in similar situations. With a relational therapist, you become curious about your patterns in relationships with others.

Read more about what to expect in relational therapy

Finding the right fit

Often people shy away from therapy because they feel they might be judged, misunderstood, or criticized. In fact, some have left therapy because of these reasons. A rupture with a therapist can make some feel as if therapy was just a bad idea. Some may even take a negative therapy experience personally by believing that something is wrong with them.

Read more about the fear of starting therapy. 

Perhaps, the therapist was not a good fit for you. Maybe the therapist was not a relational therapist. In any case, don’t give up until you find the right relational therapist for you. Remember, ruptures occur in all relationships. However, it is the process of repair of the rupture that leads to positive change and forms a deeper relationship. 

Read more about finding the right therapist 

I hope this post has given you some good insight into what relational therapy is, and what it would be like to work with a relational therapist. Once you find a relational therapist, be open about your previous experiences with therapy and/or your feelings about starting therapy with them. 

Are you interested in trying out relational therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!

Have you ever worked with a relational therapist? If so, join the conversation in the comments below!