How Queer Men Experience Body Image

The topic of queer men and body image is often overlooked and ignored within the community. However, queer men are no strangers to body image concerns. The unique intersection of masculinity and queerness presents a complex pressure to be perceived as attractive by others. This often includes one’s body. As summer quickly approaches, the pressure to have a “summer body” or to be “speedo ready” steadily increases. By exploring how gender expression, body ideals, and sexuality influence our body image, we can introduce a framework of self-compassion and healthy body image to feel confident, sexy, and comfortable in our bodies.

Unique Body Image Stressors for Queer Men

While every person has their own unique and complicated relationship with their body, queer men face unique external stressors. Particular body types are categorized and labeled based on body shape, weight, and other features. Examples include twinks, jocks, bears, otters, and cubs. Queer men often experience these “tribes” or sub-cultural appearance ideals as pressures to conform to a narrow body type. This is often done to the exclusion of embracing their natural features. Men may try to “fit in” by intense exercising, removing body or facial hair, dieting, and even getting cosmetic surgery. However, these labels are reductive and harmful to our diverse and distinctive bodies. In trying to conform, we lose our individuality. 

Queer spaces also tend to emphasize the value of our bodies in relation to others. Environments such as Sheep Meadow, Chelsea Piers, Fire Island Pines, Provincetown, and even gyms can feel particularly focused on queer men’s bodies. In these spaces, bodies are constantly perceived to determine one’s worth, particularly in relation to sex. While the queer community emphasizes sex-positivity (and rightfully so), hookup culture can overemphasize specific, narrow body ideals that are not healthy for most queer men. Queer men’s bodies are objectified and become a commodity for consumption by others. 

To Be Thin or Muscular? Or Neither?

Queer men navigate a unique conflict between expectations and norms of thin versus muscular bodies. In the media, men are often championed for being particularly thin and lean, or especially muscular and “built.” Queer men often feel a pull in both directions. Those who are driven towards a thin ideal often identify themselves as “twinks.” When one is thinness-oriented, they may restrict their diet to be in a caloric deficit. They may also engage in cardio to “slim down.” Those who are driven towards a muscular ideal often identify themselves as “jocks.” When one is muscularity-oriented, they may emphasize a rigid diet and exercise plan to build muscle. Those who reject both the thin and muscular ideal may identify themselves as “bears,” who are characterized by being overweight and hirsute. 

While you have agency to exercise and eat as you wish, when these behaviors are aimed towards satisfying a societal body ideal, you can begin to operate from a space of shame and negative body image. When you view your current body as “not thin or muscular enough,” your body dissatisfaction becomes central to your behavior and thinking rather than a compassionate approach. 

Read more about the intersection of body image and mental health here. 

Multiply Marginalized Bodies

The narrow body ideals among the queer male community are not only rigid in terms of body shape, but also especially normative. Typically, these body norms are focused on cisgender, White, gay, able-bodied bodies. Thus, this body ideal is a representation of privileged identities among the queer community. Those whose identities do not align with this specific description, may feel “lesser than” or “not attractive” among the queer community. This constant comparison can lead to feeling more negatively towards your own body image, despite the body ideals being unrealistic and unrepresentative.

Trans and Gender-Nonconforming

Trans and gender-nonconforming people tend to have an especially nuanced and complicated relationship with their bodies. Initially, the body may be a site of intense dysphoria. Individuals may focus on how their body is not representative of their gender identity. Additionally, if one pursues medical transition, scars from surgeries may contribute to feeling negatively about body image. Although, for many, these scars are worn with pride.

Black, Indigenous, and Queer Men of Color

For Black, Indigenous, and other queer men of color, internalized racism and colorism can cause discomfort regarding the shade of their skin tone. Men sometimes desire “lighter” skin to be closer to the White body ideal often celebrated within the community. However, since these ideals are incredibly White and Western, non-White individuals can find empowerment in rejecting these norms. 

Queer Men with Disabilities

For disabled queer men, the body image ideals can feel near impossible to conform to, which makes the comparisons all the more harmful. Disabled people may have a deeper sense of being flawed in some way, which is not the case. The narrow, normative body ideals perpetuated among the queer male community are flawed. 

Regardless of how one identifies, these body ideals are typically unattainable and unhealthy. In fact, the beauty and “health” industry rely on our dissatisfaction with our bodies to fuel their businesses. We continue to consume products with the hope that they will help us attain these body ideals, which are perpetuated by these businesses in a strategic way. The perfect body doesn’t really exist. However, in rejecting these body ideals as restrictive, unhealthy, and unattainable, we find a freedom to begin a journey of respecting our bodies and building self-compassion.

Read more about letting go of the “perfect body” here.

How to Build Healthy Body Image

After reviewing the many different ways queer men may struggle with body image, you may be wondering: is there anything I can do to make this any better? Is there any way to change my relationship with my body despite many of the stressors and pressures staying the same? Luckily, the answer is “yes!” While you may not have control over these external forces, you do have control over how you react to them. As mentioned throughout, you may find it empowering to reject the norms altogether and recognize the many ways in which these narrow body ideals are not aligned with your own values.

Shift Your Body Image

There are several simple interventions that can shift your body image. One is to name at least one positive trait that you like about your body every time you look in a mirror. We tend to prioritize recognizing our “flaws” when perceiving ourselves. What if you began to prioritize your unique beauty? Another is to recognize and name the ways in which your body feels strong and has served your lifestyle. For example, you might feel grateful for your leg strength while walking, your lungs while breathing, or your arm strength when carrying groceries home. By focusing on strength and utility, you shift the value of your body away from solely its aesthetic image. Finally, acknowledging the fact that our relationship with our body shifts day-by-day. It’s okay to have a day where you don’t feel great in your body. It’s not okay to beat yourself up about it.

Discuss Body Image

It is also valuable to talk about body image with friends and loved ones. Often, queer men feel incredibly alone in their struggles, aside from some jokes about body that may be tossed around. By acknowledging body image struggles, you may invite others to join in this conversation and feel more supported. Additionally, when others make negative comments regarding body image, it can be empowering to either step in to correct this or disengage from this environment. By setting boundaries about how your body–and bodies in general–are discussed in a group setting, body image becomes less of an anxiety in these settings. Instead, body positivity may become the norm among queer men. This is beneficial not only for yourself, but for your friends and loved ones as well.

Rethink Exercise and Eating

Finally, you may choose to engage in eating and exercise in a radically different way: one that is driven by love and compassion rather than shame and disgust. Working with a queer-affirming nutritionist or therapist can be a great way to change the narrative around eating and your body image. You may also explore intuitive eating and intuitive movement. The principles of these frameworks center your own needs and pleasure rather than norms or societal expectations. While this work can be daunting, feeling confident and empowered in your body is worthwhile.

By understanding the unique stressors, pressures, and conflicts queer men face with body image, you might have a better understanding of your own relationship with your body. You are not alone, and it is understandable to build a negative body image within this environment. By becoming aware of your own body image, you now can begin the journey towards a healthy, positive body image.

Are you interested in exploring your body image? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!

How do you plan on improving your body image, whether you are a queer man or not? Join the conversation in the comments below!