Those first few months of a relationship, you can’t get your hands off your partner, sneaking in quick makeouts, holding hands at every opportunity, and giving massages just because. After new relationship energy dies down, touch for touch’s sake usually becomes less frequent. And physical touch is often used – or at least interpreted – as shorthand for one partner wanting sex. When all touch is read as sexual, it can cause a divide between a partner who’s hypervigilant, that every kiss comes with an expectation for sex, and a partner who feels pushed away. But partners don’t need to be stuck in this cycle of hypervigilance, rejection, and distance. Instead, having an honest conversation about reintroducing boundaried, nonsexual touch can create opportunities for connection and recapture the spark from the early days of your relationship.
The Impact of Nonsexual Touch
Touch doesn’t just feel great, our bodies are actually hardwired to need it. Physical touch releases oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. This ancient hormone helps us feel closer to people, building trust and making us feel safer. While oxytocin is released during orgasms, it’s also released from smaller touches, like feeling fingers run through our hair. Frequent hits of oxytocin from nonsexual touch can leave us feeling less stressed and more connected to our partner.
If physical touch is your love language, using a variety of touches is a sustainable way to fulfill that need. For example, you won’t always have the time or energy for sex, but a long hug is almost always doable.
Physical affection can also be an occasion to practice mindfulness. Imagine slowing down and really tuning in to what it’s like to kiss your partner’s neck. This intentionality will feel different than if neck kisses were just a quick pitstop before sex.
Additionally, a practice of nonsexual touch helps partners create their own scripts of affection. You don’t have to follow a linear path of touch A + touch B + touch C = time for sex. Partners can pick the type of touch they want and have the freedom to decide where it does/doesn’t go. This reminds partners that desire is present even when sex isn’t on the table.
Read more about how to strengthen physical and emotional intimacy in relationships.
Setting Sexpectations
We aren’t mind readers. It’s important to have a conversation with your partner about how you experience messages about touch from them. They should know what type of nonsexual touch you want more of.
The Bristle Reaction
A helpful framework for talking about your current and desired patterns of touch is sex therapist Vanessa Marin’s Bristle Reaction. The bristler is someone who tenses up at touch because they’ve learned their partner habitually turns physical affection into sex. Often, the bristler actually loves physical touch but is reluctant to accept or initiate it. They’re anxious their partner will escalate it to sex. For the bristler’s partner, sensing walls shoot up every time they go in for a kiss or cuddle can feel crushing as the bristler pushes them away yet again.
How to Communicate
No one wants to constantly shut their partner down or be the one getting rejected. It creates resentment and guilt on both sides, neither of which fosters a healthy partnership. So having a candid and compassionate dialogue about your desire for nonsexual touch can help you get on the same page. It’ll move you from all-or-nothing thinking so that you can luxuriate in all the types of touch in between. As you and your partner talk about this, it’s important to remember that no one is to blame. It’s about naming the patterns you see in your relationship and working together to find the right balance.
Telling your partner what you would like and how far you want it to go can look like, “I miss the days of just kissing you. Sometimes I want to have a long makeout session with you and have it not lead to sex. How does that sound to you?” Or it might sound like, “I’m not feeling up to sex, but I’d love to give you a massage tonight to help you destress before we fall asleep. Would you like that?” Co-creating expectations lessens anxiety – as the saying goes, structure is liberating. You can even establish a codeword that either of you can say when you want a type of touch to stay contained and not escalate.
As you increasingly engage in touch that doesn’t end in sex, your mind and body will relax as your boundaries are honored. This will create more trust in your partnership and the idea that not all touch leads to the bedroom. It’s a positive feedback loop that will bring you and your partner closer while still cultivating desire.
Watch this webinar to learn more about how to build love that lasts through trust and communication.
A Nonsexual Touch Menu
The options for physical touch are endless, so here are some to experiment with: Make out like you’re teenagers who just discovered how amazing kissing feels. Hold hands whenever you get the chance, even if it’s just for a moment. While you’re waiting for dinner to finish cooking, throw on some music and slow dance together. Cuddle for a few minutes after your alarm goes off. If you’re feeling playful, have your partner try to guess what you’re spelling on their back with your fingertip.
Six-Second Kiss
One ritual of nonsexual touch you can introduce is the six-second kiss, popularized by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. Longer than a peck but shorter than a full-on makeout, the six-second kiss is special because it’s enough time for your body to secrete oxytocin. Doing this a couple of times a day – before heading to work, when in line while running errands, right before bed – increases partners’ feeling of connection.
Making Accommodations
For partners with sensory sensitivities, look to modifications so that you can still feel connected without feeling uncomfortable. If your partner gets overheated when you put an arm around them, lean your head on their shoulder for a point of physical connection that won’t transfer nearly as much body heat. Instead of suffering through clammy handholding, try putting your hand on your partner’s lower back (and vice versa). The physical pressure of massages may be too overstimulating for your partner, so opt for lightly running a hand over their body.
When the honeymoon period ends, touching our partner just because often turns into touching our partner because we want sex. It can be overwhelming and anxiety-producing when every touch is interpreted as foreplay. Relationships can break this pattern by reintroducing the type of physical affection that gets rushed through or forgotten about when sex is the end goal. Talking with your partner about how you can connect physically while staying fully clothed can be the key to reigniting desire and building trust. So find the types of nonsexual touch that work for you and turn to them as often as possible – you might even trick yourself into thinking you’re new lovers.
Do you want to explore nonsexual touch in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
What are some types of nonsexual touch you and your partner enjoy? Join the conversation in the comments below!
- Beyond the Bedroom: Nonsexual and Physical Touch in Relationships - December 4, 2025