While enjoying dinner with a friend one evening, he shared a story with me that sounded all too familiar. My friend had met someone last month and it felt like one of those cliché movie moments. He, while at a birthday party, was instantly drawn to a man he saw across the room. That moment, their eyes met was described as “electric”. The next few weeks were filled with late night conversations, 4 hour-long dates, and a physical connection that felt epic. Everything seemed to be aligning perfectly. So much so that my friend began to wonder if he is the one.
Then it happened. Daily texts all but disappeared and getting this new guy to actually make plans was getting more and more difficult. Eventually, my friend was no longer getting responses to his texts. That electric feeling he had once felt disappeared and only left one question, “What went wrong?” and it was suddenly painfully clear, he’d been ghosted.
What does it mean to be ghosted?
In a recent New York Times article, the term ghosting is explained as ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring any outreach attempts, such as texting, phone calls, emails, etc. It’s similar to the concept of leaving a party without letting anyone know or saying goodbye.
This seems to be a new dating phenomenon. And it’s been increasing as technology looms larger in our dating lives. How frequent is ghosting in modern dating? A recent survey done by Elle magazine in 2016 found that 47% of male and 53% female identified respondents had been ghosted at least once. And a full 50% of both male and female respondents said that they had ghosted other people at least once. The data suggests that many of us have not only been ghosted but have done our own fair share of ghosting. Before we get into why it happens, let’s discuss how it tends to leave us feeling.
How does it feel to be ghosted?
In a world, where humans are biologically hardwired to want connection and to feel a sense of belonging, being suddenly ignored by a romantic interest can leave us with a sense of rejection and isolation. Often people are left with a sense of “what went wrong?”. This question can be nearly impossible to answer because the nature of ghosting itself requires one person to seemingly disappear out of thin air without so much as an explanation. The lack of closure can be damaging and it makes the healing process that much more difficult.
An article posted in Lighthouse stated, “the point is that because we don’t know what has happened, we don’t know how to respond to being ghosted. It leaves us feeling confused on top of a variety of other emotions without knowing which ones are “right” or “valid”.
Why do people ghost?
As the roles of social media and dating technology continue to grow, so does the ability to avoid having difficult conversations. The distance that dating apps and texting provide us also emboldens many to maintain that distance and practice classic avoidant behavior. You may find yourself asking; “what are they trying to avoid?” The answer is complicated at best, but essentially, it’s anxiety. More specifically, it is the fear of upsetting, disappointing or rejecting someone. These kinds of conversations tend to elicit feelings of intense discomfort, which many of us try to avoid at all costs, even at the expense of someone else’s feelings. So how do we move forward in a dating culture that in many ways incentivizes ghosting?
How to approach ghosting moving forward?
In a culture where ghosting is becoming more prevalent, it’s important not to internalize someone else’s behavior or see it as being reflective of you as a person or potential partner. I often hear people ask “what did I do wrong?” or “Is it me?”, which only motivates us to be self-critical in a way that does not lead to constructive insight or feedback. Put the responsibility on the person who ghosted you, not on yourself. It’s impossible to know what is going on in someone’s life at any given moment; recognizing that someone else’s behavior is out of your control and has little, if anything at all, to do with you, is a great way of de-personalizing.
Remind yourself that ultimately you want someone who is capable of intimacy. That means being able to have those difficult conversations because that’s also part of dating. Being ghosted gives you insight into that person’s ability, or lack thereof, around conflict resolution. The apparent disappearance of that person is simply making room in your life for someone better suited. Lastly, be good to yourself. You may feel a desire to beat yourself up and that never helps. Instead be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you would be to a best friend.
Read more: Practice Self Love: 5 Ways!
What are some ways you cope with being ghosted that you find helpful?
- How to Use Dating Apps in a Healthy Way [Video] - July 20, 2018
- Modern Dating and the Risk of Getting Ghosted - June 15, 2018
- What is Microaggression? And How to Avoid It! - April 6, 2018
8 comments
Great blog! It’s really important to know and learn more about modern dating.
Omar Torres – NYC Therapist, thank you ever so for you post.Much thanks again.
This is a great blog. It’s important to learn about this new phenomena and know that you shouldn’t internalize someone else’s behavior and attitude.
Omar Torres – NYC Therapist, thanks so much for the post.Really thank you! Keep writing.
Thanks for this. An important and common occurrence that highlights the difficulty of endings and communicating through discomfort
An important statement in reevaluating how you want to meet people!
I really appreciate this blog. I especially like the remindr to not internalize it when someone ghosts you, that their choice to communicate this way is about them.
This is so helpful, Omar. Being ghosted is a horrible feeling. It leaves on feeling abandoned and disrespected. While many people try not to internalize being ghosted as abandonment or disrespect it happens anyway. I really like the idea of seeing it as a clear sign that the person was not “the one”.