How many times has someone asked you ”what are you feeling?” You answer, “I don’t know; I guess I’m fine.” Fine is really not a feeling. Our emotions have a physiological sensation. We sense them in our bodies and sometimes it’s difficult to describe what we actually feel. By learning to connect with our emotions we can better understand their role and function in our lives. Emotions help us take action and deal with different life situations. The truth is that feelings are our friends; they are not the enemy.
Many of us are afraid of our emotions. We have been taught that experiencing our feelings is bad. We often become programmed to do whatever we can to suppress or deny uncomfortable emotions when they arise. However, when we suppress one emotion, we suppress all of them. This may prevent us from being able to experience the joy and fullness of life.
Below are several steps to help you make friends with your feelings:
1. Know What You Are Feeling – Here is a list of the six core emotions that give most of us challenges. Following each feeling are several variances of the emotion.
Anger: annoyance, frustration, irritation resentment
Sadness: disappointment, hurt, grief, loneliness
Fear: nervousness, anxiety, worry, scared, concern
Guilt-Shame: embarrassment, remorse, humiliation
Happiness: enthusiasm, joy, pride, excitement
Love: caring, compassion, desire, tenderness
You can use the above list to identify your core emotions. For example, when you notice that you are feeling annoyed, you can begin to recognize that this is really anger. You want to follow the feeling to its root source. This will help you to identify more clearly what you are experiencing.
2. Pay Attention and Stay Curious – Feelings are our intuitive guidance system designed to help us survive. They are not good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse, or true or false. What are your feelings telling you? They motivate us to take action. For example, happiness gives us the energy to remain open, stay focused, and engage in activities in which we are interested. Love allows us to move closer, to connect, and to share more deeply with our loved-ones. Anger helps us to protect and defend ourselves, set boundaries, and raise our voices when we need to be heard. Sadness prompts us to slow down and take the time to grieve our losses, cry, and talk about our pain so that we can take care of ourselves, let go, and move on. Fear alerts us when we are in danger so that we can either decide to stay and fight or run to safety. Healthy guilt/shame helps us to go within and stop engaging in behavior that may be hurtful to others.
3. Name It So You Can Tame It – One powerful anxiety-regulating tool is just to name your feelings and what they are. By simply recognizing that you are feeling something, it will give it space to move. Emotions are energy in motion. Once you have named the feeling it gives the energy a place to go. The goal is to ride the wave of emotion and to feel them to completion.
4. Stop, Drop and Feel – Whenever you become aware that you are having a feeling the first thing to do is STOP and slow down. Take a breath and recognize what is happening below the neck. DROP into your body and be curious. Ask yourself “what am I feeling?” Notice the body sensations. Where do you feel it inside? The mind has a quicker rhythm than the body. The body is slow and it takes a moment for you to focus in on the feelings. The slower you go, the more you will be able to connect with your internal emotional experience.
5. Emotions are Physiological – Emotions are 68% physiological. If you did not have a body then there would be no place to feel your emotions. When you see someone who is sad, you see it in their body. They may be withdrawn, leaned over or crying. Emotions happen in the body. Anger is muscular. There is tension in the shoulders or maybe a fist is clinched. You feel warm and tingly inside. Sadness may feel heavy with an urge to cry. It can be felt in the throat. Fear can be and energy flow to our feet getting us ready to flee. It can also be felt in the stomach area as a drop. We may stop breathing or it can cause us to freeze. Happiness and love can feel warm and fuzzy in your torso or heart area. Guilt/Shame can make you feel like hiding or wanting to pull inward. By recognizing the physiology of the emotion it can help you identify it and connect more with what is happening inside you.
6. Practice Emotional Mindfulness – Throughout the day check in with yourself by asking “what am I feeling?” This is different than “how am I feeling?’” because you want to be aware of the sensations in your body. Stay curious and be friendly with yourself. By practicing emotional mindfulness it gives you the ability to stop and connect with what’s happening inside. Where do you feel the anger, sadness or fear? Stay in touch with what is happening inside physiologically. This will help you to stay in the present moment and learn to tolerate the emotions instead of stuffing, denying, numbing or trying to escape them.
In order to build healthy relationships and live empowered lives we need to have a better understanding and language for our emotions. The more we can slow down and connect with what we are feeling, the better we can respond to life’s challenges. Making friends with your feelings will allow you to live a more emotionally healthy and authentic life.
Information for this blog was adapted from Living Like You Mean It by Ronald J. Frederick.
How do you make friends with your own emotions? What emotions are most difficult for you and why? Feel free to answer in the comments section below.
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4 comments
I have found that if you “practice” identifying your emotions when they aren’t very intense, it normalizes the feeling and makes it more likely that during a more intense time you’re body will remember to slow down and identify the feeling. Practice makes perfect! Identifying the feeling helps me better understand my impulse reaction and allows me to respond more appropriately
I think it’s especially important to remember that emotions are often connected to the body. I’d like to become more aware of where in my body my emotions express themselves physiologically.
This was a fantastic article and exactly what I needed. Thank you.