In this video blog, psychotherapist Rian Bodner explores the emotional dynamics of guilt and shame. These feelings intensify when you hurt someone you love. The Buddhist concept of the “second arrow,” describes the self-inflicted suffering of feeling bad about feeling bad. This shows up in relationships when we make a mistake, feel guilt or shame (the normal first arrow), and then spiral into self-criticism, fear of judgment, or internalized resentment (the second arrow). Over time, this guilt-shame spiral can lead to emotional fusion, identity loss, and growing distance between partners as each person absorbs the other’s emotional pain rather than communicating clearly and repairing the rupture.
Learn about the difference between guilt and shame.
True repair requires compassionate accountability. We must acknowledge harm, stay present, and commit to rebuilding trust rather than collapsing into shame. Forgiveness must flow in all directions: from partner to partner and within ourselves. Rian leads us through a guided exercise. He invites us to notice where guilt or shame sits in our body, gently releasing what we’ve been holding, and reconnect with a sense of self-love, resourcefulness, and the capacity to show up as our “best self” in relationship.
Do you want to explore guilt and shame in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
What self-compassion exercises have been effective for you? Join the conversation in the comments below!
Specializes in anxiety, depression, LGBTQIA+ and Self-Esteem.
